Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Waterbear · Jan 27, 2023 at 08:05 PM

Oh, and yes, I am willing to try and change the terminology/language that I use to describe these different parts of me. I'm not sure why though, but seeing as you clearly have problems with it (hmmm, am I being defensive here?) I am willing to try something else. Problem is, to me they are just words that so clearly sum up these different parts of me, and I have no idea what other language to use. anything else I can think of just leads me to getting stuck, and that isn't helpful. Maybe you just need to get to know my Teenage One and my Little One. Maybe the problem is you, not me.

Mountaindewed · Jan 28, 2023 at 03:55 AM

Do you ever listen to the part of the song we both like that goes " Some men you just can't save." And ever worry about me?

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 28, 2023 at 08:10 AM

How can it be that the shock feels like it's wearing off after nearly two years, and yet it feels more raw?

When I become aware of the rawness, it hurts more.

Mountaindewed · Jan 28, 2023 at 05:22 PM

I sometimes feel like things come full circle in weird ways. And I think you'd get it since you get other things I've said.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 28, 2023 at 06:06 PM

You weren't wrong when you said that it's everywhere for me at the moment.
I was catching up with a TV series today, and now I don't think I have the wherewithal to finish it.

What could be extended references to it kept popping up.

'I can't ****ing do this any more' was the last thing I expected to shout.

I think it had stopped being about the series by that point.

Waterbear · Jan 28, 2023 at 06:37 PM

Dear T,

I read something today, just now, that made me think. It said "confidence comes from the ability to self regulate. Self regulation is the ability to process life around you and respond to it rather than reacting to your emotions.
Reacting to your own emotions is exhausting and feels like a never ending cycle of stress"

This could go some way to explaining why I used to feel so confident. Why I was so confident. I didn't feel the emotions. I was cut off from the emotions. As soon as they started to come out, I lost all of my confidence, it feels, and I've never really been able to explain to myself why. Why that huge change. It felt like I had had a breakdown of sorts, but maybe it was because I was now feeling all sorts of stuff that I had never had to deal with before.

It honestly makes me question sometimes whether I was better off before, but I know I wasn't. Being cut off from myself had so many other drawbacks too. But it is hard work having emotions, especially when you can't manage them. I still have a lot more work to do on that I think.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 29, 2023 at 07:13 AM

Dear T,
I'm sure you won't have anything today. I could have made it seem more urgent, but I felt wrong doing that. I don't want to be crying wolf.

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 29, 2023 at 08:05 AM

Well that session on Friday did something else too - it totally jump-started my inner work again. I will be reading through the 3 pages from yesterday after I get off work today, for either more writing or simply figuring out which of the possible meanings of the dream are not accurate. I have way too much going on right now for this - which is why I don't want to get back into therapy (with anyone) right now - but at least doing it on my own, there's no pressure of a weekly session, I suppose I just needed the impetus to start working through this stuff again, and now I am.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 29, 2023 at 08:38 AM

Dear T,
Yeah, I figured. I do appreciate your asking if it was an emergency. As I imagine you'd have fit me in then. But it's not.
Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Jan 29, 2023 at 09:34 AM

Dear T,
This is so stupid, but I wish you would have replied to that email. Just something like, "Hope you're doing OK" or "see you tomorrow." I imagine you're just busy and/or didn't think it needed a reply. As it was technically a scheduling email. So I'm just being kind of ridiculous, I suppose.
Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 29, 2023 at 10:05 AM

You're not being ridiculous, LT.

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 29, 2023 at 10:17 AM

My dearest L, 'activated' is the understatement of the century!

LonesomeTonight · Jan 29, 2023 at 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

You're not being ridiculous, LT.

Thanks, Artie.

unaluna · Jan 29, 2023 at 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Dear T,

I read something today, just now, that made me think. It said "confidence comes from the ability to self regulate. Self regulation is the ability to process life around you and respond to it rather than reacting to your emotions. Reacting to your own emotions is exhausting and feels like a never ending cycle of stress".

Its like you read my mind, waterbear

I live in an apartment bldg with an elevator, and i USED to be so anxious or something about the other people in the elevator, that i HAD to make a joke. Just occurred to me that thats how i felt around my mother. Pure emotion.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 29, 2023 at 12:30 PM

So much of this lies beyond the bounds of language.
I really don't know how to bring this into the realm of words.
It's an affront to me that he is just...gone.

Mountaindewed · Jan 29, 2023 at 05:32 PM

I think you are kind of happy that I switched to remote since I'm your first client so that means you can go into the office later. You did seem to care though.

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 29, 2023 at 08:51 PM

crap.

Just,

crap.

Waterbear · Jan 30, 2023 at 10:38 AM

I'm really really really struggling to explain what is going on for me right now. I know what it is, and I think I understand it, I just can't seem to find the right language to explain it to you, and that is incredibly frustrating for me.

Mountaindewed · Jan 30, 2023 at 12:25 PM

I don't feel good but its not anxiety so I don't want to cancel. I'm just trying everything I can to be somewhat functional in an hour.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 30, 2023 at 03:26 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for being supportive and caring today. It's what I needed.

I do want to talk to you more about pushing, how maybe we can sort of agree when it's time, that I can signal you in some way. Or that you can check in, like, "Is this level of pushing OK?" And then being good with stepping back if I want that.

Part of me wishes I was seeing you on my birthday, and I thought briefly about asking if you had any availability tomorrow, to do instead of Wednesday. But maybe it's better if I just let things marinate between now and then. (I mean, assuming I don't totally fall apart tonight or early tomorrow morning.)

Oh, and I've made what I consider to be two good choices so far since session--one not doing something and the other doing something, going to the grocery store so H won't have to tomorrow (though I forgot something so I guess he will anyway, but it will be a much shorter trip). I guess I made some healthy options at the grocery store, too (the bag of chips sitting next to me doesn't count!)

Love,
LT

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,129 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,747 hugs given	Jan 28, 2023 at 03:55 AM #662 Do you ever listen to the part of the song we both like that goes " Some men you just can't save." And ever worry about me? __________________ Ridin' with Biden

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,129 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,747 hugs given	Jan 28, 2023 at 05:22 PM #664 I sometimes feel like things come full circle in weird ways. And I think you'd get it since you get other things I've said. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,734 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Jan 29, 2023 at 07:13 AM #667 Dear T, I'm sure you won't have anything today. I could have made it seem more urgent, but I felt wrong doing that. I don't want to be crying wolf. Love, LT

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,734 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Jan 29, 2023 at 08:38 AM #669 Dear T, Yeah, I figured. I do appreciate your asking if it was an emergency. As I imagine you'd have fit me in then. But it's not. Love, LT

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,734 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Jan 29, 2023 at 09:34 AM #670 Dear T, This is so stupid, but I wish you would have replied to that email. Just something like, "Hope you're doing OK" or "see you tomorrow." I imagine you're just busy and/or didn't think it needed a reply. As it was technically a scheduling email. So I'm just being kind of ridiculous, I suppose. Love, LT

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,222 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jan 29, 2023 at 10:05 AM #671 You're not being ridiculous, LT.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,222 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jan 29, 2023 at 10:17 AM #672 My dearest L, 'activated' is the understatement of the century!

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,129 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,747 hugs given	Jan 29, 2023 at 05:32 PM #676 I think you are kind of happy that I switched to remote since I'm your first client so that means you can go into the office later. You did seem to care though. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,222 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jan 29, 2023 at 08:51 PM #677 crap. Just, crap.

Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,408 8 1,316 hugs given	Jan 30, 2023 at 10:38 AM #678 I'm really really really struggling to explain what is going on for me right now. I know what it is, and I think I understand it, I just can't seem to find the right language to explain it to you, and that is incredibly frustrating for me.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,129 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,747 hugs given	Jan 30, 2023 at 12:25 PM #679 I don't feel good but its not anxiety so I don't want to cancel. I'm just trying everything I can to be somewhat functional in an hour. __________________ Ridin' with Biden