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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,789
12 3,116 hugs
given |
#681
Thanks for your scheduling email.
Again, it's less about the TV show than my reaction to it. I was already in a difficult space, and the programme intensified that to an impossible degree. As I live into the reality of Steve being dead, and having died in the way that he did...it gets harder to live with. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 519
10 39 hugs
given |
#682
Provided nothing untoward happens in the next 12 hours, I will be seeing you in person for only the 2nd time since we started working together just over a year ago.
I hope my mood remains stable enough to feel up to doing the trip. If I don't feel as though I can keep myself safe, then I will have to switch to remote, but I really need this few hours away from the house. I haven’t been anywhere since I last saw you 6 weeks ago. Not sure exactly what to focus on tomorrow. I know we were reserving the f2f sessions for the blue elephant stuff... But with the way things have been, maybe we need to address the pink elephant stuff instead? Or as well as, but I don't think we'll have enough time for both. What I don't want, is to come away from the session feeling as though I didn't make the best use of the time, and then have to stew for another 6 weeks until we can possibly meet again. Half of me is worrying how much longer I'm going to be able to keep paying for these sessions for, and the other half is thinking I should be saving this money now. But it's not like I spend any money on much else in my life and I see it as an investment in my mental health, so that's how I justify it. Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,215
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,753 hugs
given |
#683
Can I come camp out in your yard tonight?
That's only partially a ha ha ha. |
LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#684
Ok, so I decided that if words won't work, maybe a diagram will help. It does have words, but it's so much easier than writing an actual passage. And writing a passage is so much easier than talking. Seriously, how do people talk in therapy? I just don't get it. I can barely string a sentence together it seems. So yeah, anyway, I think I have found a way, and it makes total sense to me now, I just hope that you get it.
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LonesomeTonight
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AliceKate
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,215
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,753 hugs
given |
#685
thank you again so much for letting me take pictures of the diagram you drew and the cards. they were both helpful when I was doing some further work with that stuff yesterday.
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LonesomeTonight
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,789
12 3,116 hugs
given |
#686
Seeking support entails finding the words.
When I am in mental pain, I push people away. I desperately need the space to figure it out on my own, or with you...or some other rare being who gets it... This **** really ****ing hurts. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#687
I find it interesting that you think we are just ok the cusp of being able to work with some of the difficult stuff, and I am just on the cusp of saying thanks for everything, but I really don't think this is going to work.
I shouldn't be surprised really I suppose. Like one of those crime writers, the format of this is completely the same as before, just with different characters and content. I'm not sure whether I'm happy about that or not!! At least I know what to expect I guess, I'd just hoped we could skip to the 'good bits' without all this groundwork, but apparently I have other ideas. |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#688
I feel like I should come with a warning label. Warning - highly likely to be a pain in the a**e. I did give you that warning at the beginning. I wonder if you believed me.
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AliceKate, LonesomeTonight
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,215
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,753 hugs
given |
#689
L, there's sooooo many ways in which I am 'on the wrong path' right now - the dream could have been about any one of them, or ALL of them. Maybe - ooh - maybe it started out as just one (when the mode of transportation was a bus) but then became about all of them (after the bus turned into a train). There remains a lot of work to be done with this dream and I am continuing it. Like you said, psyche has been activated again - and she's not letting up, either. She was in hibernation there for a good while but no more. She's awake and she's hungry.
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,215
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,753 hugs
given |
#690
it would be nice if i could coax my dream-maker into a continuation of that dream - do i stay on the train or not - I guess that's asking for a future projection and I ain't no psychic. Meh.
I wonder what my life would look like right now if I had left h when I had the golden opportunity to do so back in 2019 shortly before the stupid pandemic appeared.....? Is there even any sense in wondering now, almost 4 years later?! |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,113
(SuperPoster!)
7 8,736 hugs
given |
#691
You said "don't ever feel bad about switching to remote. Its perfectly ok."
Yeah because then you don't have to go into the office and can do the session from your house. The shade of it all. __________________ Ridin' with Biden |
AliceKate, LonesomeTonight
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Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#692
Well now, that was weird. Did I laugh and have an actual human-to-human conversation with you? Smalltalk, even? Did you tell me that story before? It seems vaguely familiar. This was a really pleasent session. And that is so absolutely weird, I have like a thousand questions.
__________________ my life explained in two smileys |
Mountaindewed
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#693
Seriously, why is this so damn difficult. I really, really, really didn't want this to be about the relationship, again. I really hoped that we could skip this chapter. I hate the push/pull phase. I hate it. I wish I could just get on with it. I wish that this wasn't coming up. But it is. We are here. Do I ignore it? Try and work around it? Or do we try and work with it.
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't say anything, you know, because right now it seems that you just can't say the right things. It feels like there is something going on, at your end, and I wish you could deal with it please. I think that you are scared that I want more from you than you can/will provide. I think, in some wat, that you are scared of me. I could be making it all up, but I really don't think that I am. I feel it. I sense it. I can hear it in your voice and how quickly you jumped to defending what you said. I hear it in your words, not just today but over the last few weeks I think. I do hope that we can get through this bit quickly, but I need you to be less defensive. I need you to be more reassuring and more gentle. Just for now. Just while we navigate this hurdle. Please. I don't need challenging right now. I don't need science right now. Oh, and how you can possibly think that I feel a connection with you as I have my back to you, terrified of you, trying to think of a way I can make myself disappear is beyond me. What planet are you on? You may feel a connection, but I sure as hell don't. |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, SlumberKitty
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 519
10 39 hugs
given |
#694
Having been looking forward to this session for nearly 8 weeks, it was a real bummer. Totally my fault and nothing to do with you, but it felt like a wasted opportunity. Now it will be at least another 6 weeks before I can see you again in person.
That's if I have the courage to try it again. I may just decide to stick with online and have done with it. I can't be doing with having a panic attack en route and arriving late and in a hyper emotional state. It was very good of you to still give me the extended time. I didn't expect that so thank you. I may have to go back to emailing beforehand though, so we have something to focus on. It all felt very disjointed today. I was unprepared. Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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healing from trauma
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Alberta
Posts: 30,425
(SuperPoster!)
6 24.3k hugs
given |
#695
Dear t,
I got angry again today towards the new other therapist. I know it's not her and I hope when I have to see her in 2 weeks I can explain why im feeling very tearful and angry when I see her. I just am scared that she will not allow me to continue day program. Thank you for understanding. |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#696
Dear T,
I feel like I'm being put through a mangle. It's really really hard. I don't know whether to quit or carry on. |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,215
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,753 hugs
given |
#697
there's something i'd like to ask you, i wonder if i seemed any different to you on friday when we talked. i felt quite different from the me I was over a year ago, i don't know if you would have noticed though.
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SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#698
Maybe you should be reading this book you gave me. I haven't even made it past the introduction tonight and it already explains what I've been trying to explain to you. Right brain connection. You respond with challenging words and explanations and yet all I want is for you to see my pain and be with me as I learn how to feel it in the room. How is that so hard to understand?
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SlumberKitty
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,730
(SuperPoster!)
9 74.9k hugs
given |
#699
Dear T,
Struggling a bit. Not sure why. I'm also telling myself that my actual birthday isn't for another 2 hours (my birth time), so it's all OK. I want to ask you to continue with the gentle, supportive thing tomorrow, as I think I still need it. Hoping you'll be OK with that... Love, LT |
ArtieTheSequal, Mountaindewed, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#700
Oh, and by the way, YOU were the one that brought touch up. Not me. So how can you sit there and say that your statement of "maybe what you want isn't what you need" was because we were discussing touch. F*** you. Something is going on with you and you need to sort it out, sooner rather than later. Maybe we need a break. To hit pause.
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AliceKate, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, SlumberKitty
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