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Default Sep 23, 2022 at 11:06 AM
  #1
Hi
I've been in 2x wkly therapy for 20yrs.the last year I went form to 1x a week.. Mainly because I felt I was just chit chatting. That's how it felt to me.

I got use to 1 session and decided I'd done the right thing.
Then fast forward to covid.

I never knew that last session was going to be my last session.

We communicated via email from March 2020 to April 2021.

By then we'd or rather I had started to feel email wasn't enough. The misunderstanding was too much. The bit being sky to see Ts face was difficult. She offered facetime but I'm my good with that either.
. In April she said we could go back to sessions.. By then I'd moved, started a new job quite a few miles from Ts office and struggled with the commitment this would require again.
I also felt this was the time to take the jump. So I did. I told T that I wouldn't be returning.

At first I think she thought I was bluffing. I wasn't.. I didn't return. But now 2yrs on I'm a little upset how quick she just let me go.. I've had a little communication with her since and I've discovered that this really was just a job for her.
In my magical thinking all those years she was my savior. Yes the magical thinking is my fault.
All the little "dear" and "love" replies she used in communication went immediate.
After 20yrs this is it. I feel I need therapy to recover from therapy.
I don't feel I've internalised much of her at all at this stage. Infact I'm feeling more lost the more time Goes on.

She has now fully retired becuse of covid.

Was the 20yrs worth it. I feel a fool.
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Default Sep 23, 2022 at 05:47 PM
  #2
Hi @Therapy reviewed - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry therapy ended on a not so nice note.

you asked: "Was the 20yrs worth it." I think it is important to realize what therapy is meant to do. Everyone has their own goals. One goal can just to get through dififcult times. What was your reason for entering therapy?

Here are five goals that may apply to your situation 5 Common Goals To Achieve In Mental Therapy - Boca Raton Counseling

Hope you find your reasons for doing therapy. Whatever the reasons, write them down and examine them. There are no silly goals. @CANDC

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Default Sep 23, 2022 at 07:49 PM
  #3
I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. I like CANDC's idea of reviewing your past (and even current) therapeutic goals.

It's really unfortunate that those goals were not made explicit at the beginning and during therapy. And, imo, your therapist should've taken the lead to establish those goals and to establish proper boundaries.

In my own case, I had a therapist when I was in my twenties and paid her good money for sessions. I chose to stop therapy and when I reached out to her during a bad time, it took her 2 weeks to call me back. Looking back, I concluded she was never a good therapist really, not only because of that, but because I found a really good psychologist who brought me to another level. The psychologist had exceptional boundaries, respect and even humour.

It's better, I think, to do shorter stints of therapy with specific goals and to try different therapists, as well.

It wouldn't be bad to write down all your feelings and thoughts regarding the relationship you had with your therapist. You don't have to share what you write with anyone or even reread it. Just get it out so you can begin to process it and grieve. Eventually, you could always begin to play devil's advocate where you challenge some of your own perceptions and interpretations. You want to individuate and you need people around you who can help you do that.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Welcome to MSF...
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Default Sep 23, 2022 at 08:24 PM
  #4
Of course she should have let you go, since you expressed the wish to leave.

It is unethical for therapists to 'chase' clients or coerce them to remain in therapy. This takes away the client's agency. The decision to stay, or leave, is in the client's hands.

You made the decision to leave and you stopped going. Your therapist was ethical and respected that.
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Default Sep 23, 2022 at 08:27 PM
  #5
I'm not a fan of therapist or therapy. I believe they suck clients in pretending to be some thing that they're not. The truth of the matter is one is just a job. But I'm sorry this happened to you. I also think they do a lot of smoke and mirrors about what therapy is supposed to do. Mostly I think it separates people from their cash with no real or concrete result. They do rig the game now and whenever you question them they say things like it's all mysterious goo.

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Default Sep 24, 2022 at 04:56 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
Of course she should have let you go, since you expressed the wish to leave.

It is unethical for therapists to 'chase' clients or coerce them to remain in therapy. This takes away the client's agency. The decision to stay, or leave, is in the client's hands.

You made the decision to leave and you stopped going. Your therapist was ethical and respected that.


Yeah I get that. It's just over the years whrn I've said I'm not coming to session etc she's always said "I can't nashe you come but I think it would benefit you too cube and talk any your reasons fit not wanting to come.

This time felt different. I'd always, felt her to be resilient but covid really took the strength from her mentally. She seemed to fall apart with the thought of it. That scared me and aided my decision to not return. Her vulnerability in my eyes left me feeling as if I was falling apart too.
I told her in an endo a year later that the thought of seeing her with a mask on scared the bejesus out of me. And partly my not returning was connected to ask this as well. I didn't want to say at the time about the mask and put pressure on her not to wear one.
But this all felt like covid got her scared and she wasn't really on the ball with what was really going on.

She'd always said over the years that whrn clients leave they're welcome to "visit" her now and again (in a structured way).. This too was taken of the table.
I feel she was a fake now. Her caring a fake. At the end of the day she fed me lies.
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Default Sep 24, 2022 at 06:19 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
Of course she should have let you go, since you expressed the wish to leave.

It is unethical for therapists to 'chase' clients or coerce them to remain in therapy. This takes away the client's agency. The decision to stay, or leave, is in the client's hands.

You made the decision to leave and you stopped going. Your therapist was ethical and respected that.
I agree with this. If a client says they want to leave, therapists are supposed to respect their wishes. If they chase after them, it's not ethical. Now, if they sent an email saying something like, "You're welcome to come back at any time," that's fine. But to say, "No, you need to stay and finish the work" or "Please don't leave" or something like that would be unethical.

I'm sorry you felt abandoned by the ending. I also don't think that negates work you did during your time with her or suggests that she didn't care (or no longer cares). Though I understand how it can feel that way.

It might be helpful for you to see a therapist for a bit to process what happened and talk about where you are now and if there's anything you still want to work on. Though if you're looking to work with a therapist mainly to process the previous therapeutic relationship, I'd make that clear in the beginning and make sure they're comfortable with that being the focus, at least initially.
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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 06:46 PM
  #8
I'm so sorry. I have almost always felt like I need therapy to cope with my therapy. I see it as a "51/49" thing...therapy is 51% helpful and 49% more painful than it's worth.

btw, welcome to the forum

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