A Breaking-Away Dream & Rupture

Oof, ruptures with shrinks are so hard! I had a series of minor hiccups with my long term T. When I was in a particularly low place she suggested I meet with someone in her practice that can possibly help me (temporarily). I trusted her and was so desperate to feel better that I said yes. A long standing fear I had was that she was trying to get rid of me. It was something we'd been over numerous times over the years. When this suggestion came up I asked if this was her way of pawning me off. She assured me it was not. After meeting with this person, it was made clear to me that I was sort of handed off. I was inconsolably hurt and angry - and I felt lied to. I ghosted the T and she reached out to me. I vaguely explained that I had lost all trust in her and I felt like what we had was gone. She emailed back asking me to come in to talk about it. I then replied with a detailed email listing all the betrayals. She expressed concern and again asked me to come in. There was something about how she asked me to come back to resolve this that really touched me. I said I'd be willing to hear what she has to say. When we met she took full responsibility. And she apologized - not for how it made me feel, but for how she acted. She went on to explain her line of thinking, admitting it's a flaw of hers: she gets caught up in how she thinks she's doing good, instead of thinking of the impact it would have on me. I had the opportunity to express what I was feeling and how I was affected and she was humble and accepting. Since then, she checks in every once in a while. I've also become more comfortable confronting her when she does things that don't sit well with me. And she consistently listens and adapts and we have chats about it. So I think it's possible. It takes a lot of patience, encouragement, and communication.
Edit: clarification

I don't think you can just explore the origin of the pain without also addressing there here and nowness of what your T did and how much that has hurt you. These two things are so intertwined. My T will often try to go to the past too quickly. Sometimes almost absolves herself from any responsibility for the present hurt she causes. e.g. by saying something like 'It's not surprising that you are feeling that because of how your mom was' .

It sounds like the trust you had for her has been broken. She has revealed another side to her which because of the therapy relationship and your old wounding has caused you a tremendous amount of pain and continues to make things difficult for you. That needs to be repaired and won't happen from one conversation. It may take you speaking about it numerous times and exploring why it is so painful and a willingness from her to be able to sit, listen and even apologies if needs be. If she is a good T she will be able to do that.

Ruptures with our Ts are so painful. I have had many with mine. The only thing I have found to help is time and my T's willingness to hear from pain and validate it. Sometimes she doesn't always 'get it ' the first time. Some ruptures may not even have been fully repaired but enough so that I can continue.

L says that we take the bricks that are thrown at us, and instead of letting them break us, we use them to build the foundation of our castle.

I think that's the hardest lesson to learn, that we are 'just another brick in the wall'. I don't know, but that was exactly what the last rupture with my T was about. After years of feeling like I really mattered to her (thus facilitating so much positive growth and change) I learnt that when it really came down to it I would never truly come first. Her family would. She would. (Rightly so when it comes to major life changes and major life struggles). As much as therapy is about putting the client's needs first in some respects, in the room, in the space, in the alloted time, that isn't always possible in the grander scheme of life, and it seems we have both learnt that the hard way here, in different ways.

Exactly. I've learned the same. When it comes right down to it, as much as I know my therapist cares about me and really does feel that we have an especially strong bond - I am, when her workday ends, "just another client."


"All in all, you're just another brick in the wall" - from Pink Floyd's movie The Wall, in which everyone Pink loves, and who he thought loved him, turns out to be just another brick in the wall of defenses he's building.

Your T 'should' have had way more consideration when leaving that message. She 'should' have been way more gentle and understanding and kind. For sure. And I'm not surprised you are holding onto the hurt because not feeling cared for or considered brings up some seriously painful memories and wounds.

I can only imagine that she wasn't thinking clearly at the time, and that she allowed her humaness to show through too much on that occasion. And that leaves you in the difficult position that you are in of trying to decide whether you think you can rebuild the trust or not.

Yes, it does. Oddly, I feel "flat" in sessions. Somewhat unmotivated, a somewhat What's the point of this? I care for her, I think (know) she's a truly special woman, and a deeply caring and dedicated therapist. And I keep going so I have an office with a closed door and someone who will listen to me talk. But the depth is generally absent.


Thank you, Waterbear. I appreciate your understanding.

I just got slapped in the face with this truth recently, too. It sucks.

It has to be that way though. If the client truly came first, the t would be too deeply attached.

If all we were to our Ts is "another brick" because they have other priorities than us, what about other relationships we have? How does not being someone's top priority all the time differ from the therapeutic relationship to other relationships? My point is that we are never a top priority to another person all the time.

I apologize. I should have referenced your post!

I agree and understand that the pain is amplified when doing attachment work. A lot of grief. AND the grief and pain are valuable. They tell us where the pain is. None of us deserve to suffer, and we do have a right to feel or feelings. Pain is just an indicator, both physical and emotional. I believe this is what L means when she says that it's okay to not be okay.