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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#21
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Yikes, I'd be terribly upset to be "handed off." Communication is so very important in our world, and too often overlooked. I'm so happy that you now have a caring, mature relationship with your former therapist. Your story is encouraging! btw - "She went on to explain her line of thinking, admitting it's a flaw of hers: she gets caught up in how she thinks she's doing good, instead of thinking of the impact it would have on me." I believe that is very common with people who are extremely caring. In their effort to give love and care, they forget how they are impacting the other. __________________ |
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SlumberKitty
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downandlonely, LonesomeTonight
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#22
Indeed. When this happened we were 7 years into treatment and I knew under all the hurt and resentment that she cares, and I still valued her as a therapist (which made hating her so hard!). It was incredibly healing working through it, and seeing how accepting she was. For the record, I’m still seeing her (we’re over a decade in).
You sound like you also like your T despite their flaws. If you both value the work and the relationship, I think almost any impasse and rupture can be worked through. We had another possible rupture and my T said whatever it is, she believes we can weather it. It was so encouraging to hear her say that. |
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*Beth*, LonesomeTonight
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*Beth*, downandlonely, LonesomeTonight
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#23
L says that we take the bricks that are thrown at us, and instead of letting them break us, we use them to build the foundation of our castle.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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*Beth*, SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, ArtieTheSequal, CharlieStarDust, downandlonely, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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#24
That’s really beautiful, Scarlet!
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*Beth*, downandlonely, ScarletPimpernel
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#25
I don't think you can just explore the origin of the pain without also addressing there here and nowness of what your T did and how much that has hurt you. These two things are so intertwined. My T will often try to go to the past too quickly. Sometimes almost absolves herself from any responsibility for the present hurt she causes. e.g. by saying something like 'It's not surprising that you are feeling that because of how your mom was' .
It sounds like the trust you had for her has been broken. She has revealed another side to her which because of the therapy relationship and your old wounding has caused you a tremendous amount of pain and continues to make things difficult for you. That needs to be repaired and won't happen from one conversation. It may take you speaking about it numerous times and exploring why it is so painful and a willingness from her to be able to sit, listen and even apologies if needs be. If she is a good T she will be able to do that. Ruptures with our Ts are so painful. I have had many with mine. The only thing I have found to help is time and my T's willingness to hear from pain and validate it. Sometimes she doesn't always 'get it ' the first time. Some ruptures may not even have been fully repaired but enough so that I can continue. |
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#26
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Thank you, smileygal. My t has apologized, very sincerely, a number of times. I deeply appreciate her willingness to accept responsibility for that phone message. I am embarrassed because I still hold her guilty, regardless of her very genuine apologies. __________________ |
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downandlonely
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downandlonely
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#27
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That is beautiful. Kind-of ironic, though...since that darn phone message she left for me I keep singing the song in my mind, Pink Floyd, "All in all, you're just another brick in the wall..." __________________ |
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AliceKate, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, SlumberKitty, Waterbear
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downandlonely
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#28
I think that's the hardest lesson to learn, that we are 'just another brick in the wall'. I don't know, but that was exactly what the last rupture with my T was about. After years of feeling like I really mattered to her (thus facilitating so much positive growth and change) I learnt that when it really came down to it I would never truly come first. Her family would. She would. (Rightly so when it comes to major life changes and major life struggles). As much as therapy is about putting the client's needs first in some respects, in the room, in the space, in the alloted time, that isn't always possible in the grander scheme of life, and it seems we have both learnt that the hard way here, in different ways.
Your T 'should' have had way more consideration when leaving that message. She 'should' have been way more gentle and understanding and kind. For sure. And I'm not surprised you are holding onto the hurt because not feeling cared for or considered brings up some seriously painful memories and wounds. I can only imagine that she wasn't thinking clearly at the time, and that she allowed her humaness to show through too much on that occasion. And that leaves you in the difficult position that you are in of trying to decide whether you think you can rebuild the trust or not. |
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*Beth*, downandlonely, LonesomeTonight
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#29
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#30
It has to be that way though. If the client truly came first, the t would be too deeply attached.
__________________ my life explained in two smileys |
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#31
If all we were to our Ts is "another brick" because they have other priorities than us, what about other relationships we have? How does not being someone's top priority all the time differ from the therapeutic relationship to other relationships? My point is that we are never a top priority to another person all the time.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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Magnate
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#32
That's kind of what I was saying. I agree. But it really hurts to be reminded of that sometimes when doing attachment therapy.
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#33
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I agree and understand that the pain is amplified when doing attachment work. A lot of grief. AND the grief and pain are valuable. They tell us where the pain is. None of us deserve to suffer, and we do have a right to feel or feelings. Pain is just an indicator, both physical and emotional. I believe this is what L means when she says that it's okay to not be okay. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#34
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LonesomeTonight, Waterbear
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downandlonely, Waterbear
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#35
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downandlonely
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downandlonely
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#36
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#37
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Haha, the "brick" reference is being misunderstood. I must be old. In the movie (Pink Floyd) The Wall, each person who Pink loves, and who he thought loved him, ultimately becomes just another "brick" in the wall of defenses he's building in his mind. Eventually, the wall becomes so high that he is completely detached from everything and everyone, and has a complete break-down. i.e., - my therapist is "just another brick" in my wall of defense that I've built to protect myself from the pain of betrayal. __________________ |
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downandlonely
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#38
Quote:
That is absolutely the truth. For me, I am aware of where my pain is, although at times I am surprised at the depth of pain in certain places. But at this point, at a few months from turning 60, I really just need a safe and reliable place to de-stress, and to be heard. I don't have a need to pile on the hurts, and I don't need my therapist to hand me a brick to build my wall of defense higher. I am left feeling very isolated. __________________ |
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#39
I'm sorry Beth.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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*Beth*
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*Beth*, downandlonely
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#40
I wonder whether you can think about it as a stepping stone, rather than a brick in the wall (I think I understand the metaphor now!!) I circle back to my universe reference as I'm not sure entirely where I'm going with this... Whatever is meant to be, is meant to be, even if we can't see it right in this moment. Each event takes us to another place, just like this event will for you. Where that place is, right now, could be anyone's guess. It could be staying with your T and continuing to voice your upset, trying to seek some resolution, or it could be taking from that relationship what you can and moving on. But yeah, another brick in the defense wall doesn't sound great, especially in a therapeutic relationship - that's the worst outcome surely. I feel for you, and I really do hope this can be a stepping stone instead...
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*Beth*
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