Weird, sad, text from T

Thanks for all the replies. Despite T's lack of boundaries, and her sometimes making things about her, for some reason, I am not yet able to give up on this T. I still think about how she came to my house twice and that was huge. She went way out of her way for me. It's just that the pendulum sometimes swings heavily in the wrong direction as well. I don't know if I am getting better with this T. Or worse. Or staying the same. Most of my stuff is about trying to stay stable anyway. It just feels overwhelmingly daunting to try to find a new T right now. I.just.can't.do.it.right.now. I agree there are probably red flags. She says I love you. She sends me random text messages at incredibly random times. But she is also the first T to actually say she can help me. I really hope she can.

Okay, you know best, of course. Take care and keep posting. Best of luck to both you and your T. I do hope she can help you, and I am glad that she believes she can

Thanks AliceKate. I texted T to see how she was doing today. And a picture of today's sunrise which was really pretty. She says she feels a little better (she has a concussion) and she hopes I am feeling better too, and that she slept well. I replied that I was glad that she slept well and that Zoey (my family's new dog) is surprisingly easy to sleep with. And then I said that I am still feeling relapse-y and how a friend of mine who is super wise would tell me now is the time to cut it off at the pass but I am not sure how to do so. So, I am waiting for T to respond, but I am also not holding my breath. I think right now she just needs to take care of her. Luckily I have some supportive friends I can go to. It's not their job to help me but they love me and they are willing to encourage me. So I am hoping to have time to talk to one of them today.

It's absolutely 1000% understandable why you would not want to give up on this T just yet. She says she loves you and she texts you messages at random times. She shares a lot of information about herself and her life. She even came to your house to see you twice. All those things would no doubt make you feel lots of positive feelings and would be hard to let go of.

It would make me feel 'special' if my T was to do that and I know I would feel amazing if my T did that. I know that it would not be what is in my best interest though in terms of my growth and healing in therapy at least. I spent a lot of myself worrying about my parents and wanting to take care of them. Certaintly not what I would need to be doing in therapy. At some point someone would be hurt and it would likely be me.

I am very attached to my T with have a good connection and get on quite well she doesn't make me feel 'special' and never texts or tells me she loves me. For various reasons, I think I need to leave her but am having huge difficulty deciding to do so. I don't want to but I think it might be what is best for me. I share that just to say in some ways understand how difficult even contemplating that must feel. It feels hard to fathom to me so it must seem absolute impossible to you.

Thanks, smileygal

While I do think your therapist has handled it wrong, I can totally understand you feelings of care. I know she often has loose boundaries is it possible her concussion made things worse?

Her concussion probably affected her ability to think things all the way through. She did say that when she bought her car after having a concussion that she "wasn't thinking straight." Don't know how that turned out but really hope she doesn't spend time telling me how it went.

Have you met with her since the cancellation?

We are supposed to have a session tonight. I haven't heard from her though. Usually when I send her the text saying that I have set up the Zoom for the session she responds with a thank you or something to that effect but I haven't heard from her all day. So I am cautiously optimistic we are having a session, but I'm not totally sure. And sometimes she messes me up and schedules me at either 5 or 7 PM so I never really know. It's supposed to be at 6 PM tonight.

Wow, that sounds really frustrating! I hope she actually is there at the planned time. Could you maybe text to confirm?

I would also check in with her, Kit.

It is a T's responsibility to schedule appointments in the first place. If she has not confirmed, then please contact her so at least you know and are not left hanging.

It doesn't sound very therapeutic to be left wondering whether she keeps her commitments or not.

This therapist sounds v unprofessional in every way. There are plenty of caring yet boundaried therapists out there who wouldn't re traumatise you.

T was late but she was there. She never makes up the time when she is late but she does text me throughout the week so I assume that makes up for it. I don't feel as connected to her as I did before this last break, but I do feel more connected to her now than I did yesterday. We had a good session and covered a lot. I feel like we are back on track now.

Hugs, Kit. I'm glad you feel back on track with her.


I still think it's wrong for a T to not make up the time when they're the one late. My T will nearly always make up the time, though he's never much more than 5 minutes late. Ex-MC would always make it up (though that just made him more and more late with each client). I get what you mean regarding how the texts during the week might help make up for it, but at the same time, some of her texts lately caused you additional distress!

Good points, LT. Points to ponder.

Not really. It is about establishing a safe container and structure to the therapeutic work. Not to mention consistency + respecting the agreement (therapy contract) with her clients. This means giving clients the full length of a session.

Texting you during the week is something she is choosing to do. Giving you the full duration of a session is something she is contractually obligated to give you.

Good distinctions Rive. Thank you for the food for thought.

Sometimes I have moments of clarity around T. Then she goes and does something like this (text I received from T a little bit ago)

Kit, I carry you in my heart and soul always. Please know I am here for you and would take away your pain in a quick second if I could. You are strong. You are amazing. Love you.

How could I not love that? It feeds into the needing nurturing and comfort that I was missing earlier. I know this. And part of me is like, this will end badly. The other part of me says to feel loved is worth it.

I, too, love it when L nurtures me. I love it when she says she loves me. AND she has boundaries. We have defined what love means to us. It's not just a feel good feeling. There's meaning behind it.

Another thing I've learned is that respect is greater than love. You can respect someone and not love them, but you cannot love someone and not respect them. I don't think your T respects you: your boundaries, your time, your healing. She sounded kind of apologetic in her text, almost needy. Like she's the one seeking love and nurturing.

Love comes in many forms, but healthy does not manipulate.