Hugs/holds in therapy

I’m a hugger. I come from a very huggy family. So hugs are very natural, common, and easy for me. My therapists and I hugged pretty regularly without it ever even coming up in conversation. I guess they sensed it was sort of a natural thing for me and it just was what it was. No big meaning or need for discussion. I can see how it can be a bigger issue or even a bad idea for some though.

Touch was different though. If I was dissociated particularly, my therapists were very careful to ask me before they touched me in any way.

I think that is the dilemma therapists have to negotiate. Will the touch be natural and not loaded with issues? Or is it helpful but needs discussion because of issues? Or is it harmful? Every client is quite individual. And, it can even vary for an individual client depending on the circumstances.

I suspect some therapists put a firm no touch boundary up to just not have to negotiate the issues, but I have found that my good therapists knew how to work with me and knew when it was fine and when they needed to navigate touch more carefully.

My current therapist put her hand on my back at the end of our first couple sessions. She pretty much just brushed the back of my hoodie though. I don't like being touched although I did shake her hand when I first met her to be polite. Probably not the smartest idea, but it was kinda impulsive.

Thank you *Beth* for your reply and for sharing that you’re in a similar place right now, that makes me feel less alone. Thank you for saying it was brave and seeing that, that means a lot. Sometimes I just don’t want to hold things in, you know? But it was made to feel desperate and shameful don’t let that discourage you from sharing that with your T though, she may react differently to mine especially if she’s not inclined to discourage the transference. i wish mine didn’t try and discourage it so much. There are a couple reasons why. she keeps saying she doesn’t want me to become more attached to her because she says she doesn’t want me to be dependant on her and she says “with time we come to a place where we are not attached to anyone or anything, and that is where freedom lies” (sometimes just feels like rejection & shaming though) Also she keeps saying my feelings towards her are not about her, she says she is just my ‘mirror’, and that she’s showing me the qualities that I need to find inside myself to provide to myself and my inner child. She says doesn’t want me to get “too far down the road” of thinking it’s about her when it’s not…confusing stuff…and it feels like at least some of it is?! I get that she doesn’t want to make me dependant on her but sometimes I think she expects too much of me at the stage I’m at. I need to be able to depend on her to make me feel emotionally safe in sessions. (I would love to be able to depend on her reassurance out of sessions but I know that’s too much to ask for her and she has tight boundaries about contact outside of sessions which is hard) She is SO tight with her reassurance because she doesn’t want to keep me “stuck in a cycle of reassurance” with her because she says it’s like an “addiction.” Hurts so bad in sessions when I just need reassurance that she doesn’t think differently of me when I tell her hard things such as shameful coping skills. I’m wondering your thoughts on all this and how does your therapist work with transference?

My t hugs me hello and goodbye. I think it is so sad that in a world of hurting people that a simple hug is something t's won't do.