Scolding

I feel like I just spent a whole session being scolded. Being told that T feels it’s unethical that she has not helped me enough and I continue to pay her. That I am not committed enough. That if we were a few years back, she would have told me to move along.

How am I meant to go back to the next session knowing this is how she thinks and feels towards me? I am so incredibly attached to this relationship and I feel like it’s just been burnt to the ground

I am gutted. I don’t understand

I am so sorry that happened to you, I can’t begin to imagine how painful it must be. Even if she feels that way, she should have found a better way to phrase it. What was your reaction when she said these things? Do you have another session scheduled?

I’m not too good at responding so I mostly just say there and listened to it all. She knew it was upsetting me and she knew it would. I don’t know what the goal was in it.
I meant to go back next week but feeling very skeptical towards it

That sounds really harsh.

I would be interested, especially as you are saying you don't understand, in exploring what she means by "That I am not committed enough". What does she mean by that? What is her 'evidence' for you not doing the work?... Though sometimes not doing the work IS the work, if that makes sense.

Can you ask her to be more explicit?

I'm sorry. This would really bother me. It sounds like your T is having doubts about her ability to help you and is taking that out on you, acting like it's your fault. She should be taking it to supervision instead. And/or ask if *you* feel like she's helping you.

I agree with Rive that you should ask what she means by your not being committed enough. Is she asking you to do things you're not doing, for example? That's something I've talked about with my T (like him suggesting lifestyle changes that I'm not taking, or at least am doing more gradually than he'd like). I wondered if he was frustrated with me as my T. He said if things like that frustrated him, then he'd be frustrated all the time and wouldn't last long as a T. That it's normal and common for clients to not do everything their therapist suggests. How if it was that easy, they'd have just done it on their own and not needed therapy in the first place. That there are often barriers in the way, like mental health issues, logistical challenges (financial, time, etc.). And it takes time. Or something to that effect. It made me feel better.

Maybe that's not what she meant at all--I'm only speculating. But I think you need to ask her if you have any hope of moving forward with her. Does she allow outside contact? If so, maybe it could be helpful to send her something letting her know how distressed this has made you and asking her to explain what she meant, either via email/text or in the next session.

Its like she is re-traumatizing you, for not living up to her expectations. Shes not living up yo her own expectations.

I feel like i didnt really start getting better until after my therapy ended. I am much more able to trust myself now, for example.

I can't comment on her saying you are not committed enough. That would be something to discuss with her and maybe set up some goals around.

I can say that my T does an annual treatment plan where he reviews the progress I have made and sets goals for the following year. He has told ne from the start and multiple times since that it would not be ethical for him to continue seeing me if I have not made any progress within a year. At that point he would have to terminate and provide referrals. He says although it doesn't apply to me, many clients come in just to vent and discuss their week without putting in any effort to work on the source of their problems.
It may be helpful to make a list of ways you have improved and suggest some goals to work on.

I'm really sorry that happened to you, 20oney, it sounds really painful. I would feel awful too. I agree with Merope that if she really feels that way, she should have been able to find a much more tactful, gentle way to share this information.

From so many posts on here and from my own experience with most recent ex-T I really think that waaaaay too many therapists have absolutely NO clue of how much what they say and do affects us. I don't think my ex-T, no matter how many times I talked about it with her, had any idea of how deeply attached to her and the relationship I was.

Yeah so her supervision came up in all of this too. Likes she’s shocked that she’s discussed my case in supervision before because she feels stuck with it. I don’t understand why I needed to hear all of this when she should know full well how hurtful it all is.

The not committed part comes down to how well I cope outside of sessions I guess. I don’t turn to all of the “coping” methods that have been shown to me. So that’s me not being “committed” to myself or my progress.

I did message to say that I don’t understand and she’s basically just replied saying to let it sink in and that she hopes I hear the message that she was trying to send.

Why not just give me the message so I don’t have to leave feeling like I’ve just been dropped

oh 20oney i'm so sorry. that sounds like a bit of a cop-out on her part to me. maybe i'm reading it wrong. but really, "let it sink in"?

I'm also thinking: if her comment about 'not committed enough' really refers to you not always turning to the coping methods you've been taught, I think that's just wrong of her to say that for that reason. I mean seriously, if we were perfect human beings who always knew how to use our tools we wouldn't even BE in therapy. Ugh, this has really struck a nerve with me. I'm sorry if I'm reading something into this that isn't there.

That sounds absolutely brutal, I'm sorry your T has said this to you and left you feeling so distraught, especially as you are particularly attached to the relationship.

It seems very much like she knows she is failing you, her client; but instead of owning her shortcomings as a therapist, is trying to abdicate the responsibility onto you. This definitely says more about her than it does about you.

Ts can help give us the tools to use in various situations, they can make suggestions. But the client should never feel under any obligation to use them out of fear of being seen as not committed enough.

I hope you find a way to work this out with her, and if you can't, that it will be the catalyst needed to search for another T.

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Yeah. The more I’m thinking about this, the less ok I am with it all. I try every day to just get through. I use what works for me to function. Is surviving no longer enough?

I cannot for the life of me, wrap my head around any of what has been said. I do not understand in what world she thought this would be helpful and not harmful.

I think surviving is often enough. Really, it should be about what the client wants and needs. Not solely what the T thinks is best for them. It should be a collaboration.

For example, I had been making a lot of progress with my T and in my outside life before the pandemic. Then that very much halted my progress--I told my T a bit at the time and more recently that I had mainly been focusing on just trying to get through it and surviving. That all I could really do for a long stretch there was basically tread water, and he helped keep me afloat. But that was what I needed. And he understood and accepted that (his general therapy style is usually to push more, but he adapted).

He did push me a bit there, when early in the pandemic I basically developed agoraphobia and didn't even want to step outside. But he was very gentle in his pushing (suggesting things like just opening the door, or maybe going and sitting in my car for a couple minutes) and very accepting if I reported the next session that I hadn't managed to do what he suggested. It was what I needed--and I did make progress there, but at my own pace.

I know I'm rambling about my own situation here, but I'm saying it because I think that should generally be the case for clients. That T's should follow their lead in terms of goals and what they're ready for. Some gentle pushing can be helpful at times. And maybe not-so-gentle pushing, when the client is ready. But scolding a client for not doing enough, for not being committed, for not making progress quickly enough just doesn't seem helpful.

Note: I know that an approach like this might be helpful and/or necessary for some clients and some mental health conditions. But I also think it should be something the client agrees to, like, "Yes, I need you to push me more" or "I'm going to let you know each session how I'm progressing with [change, coping skill, healthy habit, etc.], and if I don't, I want you to ask me about it to keep my accountable." (I'm doing the latter with my T right now with a particular habit, but it was my decision.)

Anyway, 20oney, I think the following thing you said would be good to directly ask your T: "I try every day to just get through. I use what works for me to function. Is surviving no longer enough?"

I am so sorry. It's horrible to hear that she would tell you this and re traumatize you. I think just going to therapy is making small steps to helping yourself. My therapist reviews my goals with me every few months just to make sure I want to continue to see her. I would talk to her and tell her you are trying. I hope you and her can work through this. I think her approach was wrong and making progress is different for everyone. Hugs

I agree with this all. And honestly, like your T, mine has been doing just that until recently when I’ve felt her frustration with me. I’ve felt that, and her efforts lessening, like she’s no longer interested in gently pushing or accepting where I am at.

There have been multiple approaches recently that have been started, then all of a sudden that approach stops and it’s like it’s my fault again. I haven’t put more effort into the approach. But how am I meant to when I don’t know what to do with such approach, how am I meant to bring something to the table when I don’t know?

I am more than open to her pushing firmly, and I’ve made that quite clear. But this has not been a push in the right direction. It’s been a push towards the door.

I’m not entirely sure how I will respond as yet. To ask if surviving is no longer enough seems like it will just get shut down.

Thanks for the response lone

Update on this because I am currently not coping

Had a session after the last post, barely scratched the surface on what had happened the previous week but were going to try and work through it. Then I got sick and had to cancel last week. And now this week has to be by Telehealth because I am still sick.

I spiralled last night thinking this will never be resolved and whether I am fighting for something that is just going to hurt me over and over again. Sessions keep getting pushed back due to illness or family emergencies on T’s part and I just cannot find something stable to hold onto right now.

I want to give up, I want to just walk away and suffer alone again.

I can fully understand that impuls. Suffering alone is almost as easy as breaking the breaks on your car and letting it roll down a hill. Rolling around in the traumas makes us feel numb, which can feel better than facing them by a long shot. It does not help in the long run, though. It's a constant patch. It gets ripped off and we suffer, which makes us go numb and feel better. Constant cycle. And if we don't talk about it to anyone, it's like it isn't even happening. Like that tree falling in the woods. If noone hears it fall, does it even matter?

But it does matter. You matter. Your struggle is real, even if it feels unreal and help feels unrealistic and painful. Have you considered asking your T to refer you to someone else? If she feels she cannor help anymore, how can you trust her to help?

I haven’t asked to be referred on. I don’t think I have enough stability in me to ask that: she has now admitted that she read the situation wrong. That she thought the connection was strong enough for a push.

It doesn’t seem to matter how much I want to say or actually do say about how much I am hurting. It just doesn’t do it justice. I can’t put it into words, even by discussing SI which I so rarely turn to and has probably never been this bad.

These feelings make me question how healthy the relationship is. Whether it’s repairable or not. I want to trust that it is, but I don’t know how to cope through that process

Then I wish you and the relationship with your T all the best. I think she miscalculated badly, and I doubt there are very many people who would have reacted well to the style of her "push".