T judges my father

I'm gonna go with that

You were put in a situation that, as a 14-year-old who just finished trying to be a parent to your mother, you were not equipped to handle. I cannot and do not blame you for failing to handle situations that you were not equipped to handle.

Whether or not you blame your mother and/or father, I hope that you can get away from blaming yourself.

Thanks Bill... T points out that I'm holding on to blaming myself. It's part of my strategy for remaining to be good. I remind myself that what I did was bad and that reminder keeps me from repeating the mistake.

I did this too: take the blame. L told me that that's because if it our fault, then we can do something about it. But if it's our parent's fault, then we can't. It's a way to maintain some control in our lives.

Kids blame themselves because it's easier to believe there is/was something wrong with them than with the parent.

For a child, it is horrendous to contemplate that the fault lies with the parent and recognise that a parent's love-care-attention-[fill in the blank] was not in the child's control but in the fact/reality that it is the parent who was not good enough & the parent who 'failed'. Why? They are the adults. Their 'job' is to take care of their child's needs - emotional needs included.

Blaming oneself means absolving the parent from their responsibility of care.

I've had somewhat similiar experience to this. Divorced parents, alcoholic mother who I lived with and was left alone with alot. Moved to my dads. I didn't have the separate entrance but was left on my own a lot from a very young age...physically I was taken care of but emotionally and mentally absolutely not. Emotional trauma is as impactful to the human psyche as physical.

Only in recent years have I come to terms with how neglectful and damaging many of my dads actions were. I could (and have) passed it off by saying 'ah he did the best he could with what he knew...he didn't know...' for many years before I was able to come to terms with the fact that no....he made bad, selfish decisions that he COULD have chosen to make differently but he didn't!. Decisions that have resulted in me still over 30 years later trying to recover from the pain and trauma.

Was he caught up in his own pain and difficulties that he was unable to do what was best for me and instead did what was best for him ...likely yes.......It was also a different world back then when neglectful things were happenning on a larger more obvious scale that people felt it was more acceptable....I see it as an 'and' not a 'but'

My dad and I actually have a very good relationship now. He knows he did wrong and sometimes tries to talk about it but can't quite bring himself to do so. I know he is sorry have found it in myself to forgive him.

I have my own pain and trauma from growing up. I can continue that cycle and make the same mistakes with my own kids or I can choose to figure out how to stop that cycle. There is/was always a choice just some chose to turn away from that choice.

Edited to add: I am in no way saying others need to forgive their parents this is just my experience.

I don't blame myself for my father's shortcomings, but for my own, though. I was 18 when I chose to enter a very bad friendship, and it only lasted for 4 months, but had consequences I have carried around with me ever since. If my father had been there he could have stoped it, or if he had been there the years before, I would never have been prone to make that choice, but I was 18 then, and while T may think my mind was still that of a child's, was I not old enough at 18? It's not a rethorical question

The brain doesn't fully mature until around the age of 25.

When I was in my early 20's, my therapist had me write a letter to my mother stating all the ways she let me down. I actually took that letter and read it to my mom. I think that's the day our relationship changed. She took it in and made no excuses. I felt like a burden had been lifted or a secret was finally brought to the light. We have since had a good friendship.

I'm not saying this is for everyone. Just that it helped me. I put the blame back where it belonged.

I'm glad this worked for you and that your mother accepted it, too. I feel at worst if I did that my mother would kill herself. I doubt there is any szenario in which she would just accept the blame and process it in any way that is healthy for either one of us. My father? Perhaps. But he is frail and old. It would be cruel to confront him with things he can not change.

Exactly. This is very important to keep in mind.

Can you say anything more about it?

Yes, of course. Nurture is important, but at some point, some age, it having been lacking does not absolve uss from the responsibility of our actions. A 6 year old child of course. A 14 year old, not so much, a 18 year old? Not at all.

Sometimes Brene Brown gets on my nerves a wee bit. But one thing I find extremely valuable in her work is her illustration of the concept of doing one’s best. Basically she talks about having long-resisted, researched and then ultimately adopted the belief that people do the best they can.

That doesn’t mean that their best is good. It also doesn’t mean you have to like it, forgive it or maintain a relationship with them. But essentially, we generally do the best we can with what we have at the time and retrospect is often not generous.

So your dad loved you the best way he knew how. And it was something. It wasn’t enough. But it was what he could give you. You can love him and honour his effort and what you got from him and simultaneous grieve what you needed and didn’t get.

It’s not either/or.

Thank you Jeans. I agree, it is not an either/or. And with him getting older and closer to the end of his life (he was just diagnosed with having cancer, which may or may not be leathel, we don't know yet), I feel I need to spend what time I have left with him cherishing the relationship, not destroy it. Yes, I need to realize that as a father to a child he was lacking, but as a father to a grown woman he is quite alright.