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Omers
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Frown Nov 15, 2022 at 08:14 PM
  #1
I had my last session with awesome T today.
I walked into the waiting area and my favorite couch was GONE with two ugly, uncomfortable chairs in it's place... I was in shock, had to sit across the room... That couch was facing the wrong way and so uncomfortable... and I was trying SO hard to hold it together until I got to awesome T. I was doing OK... then the client before me came down. She looked OK but she eyed my service dog and I knew she wasn't going to respect the vest... she started crying on my dog. Things were not going well... AT ALL. Awesome T came down and got me and asked what I thought of the changes... all I could say was "my couch" and the tears started so T hurried us off to his office. He asked to sit beside me instead of making me ask him to and he held me while I tried to recover from not having my couch and some strange lady crying on my dog because she was never going to see him again.
Awesome T and I talked about new T... Awesome T was very supportive of me with new T. We talked about how like 90% of the "irrational" fears I had with awesome T new T actually has! New T's office is dimly lit, there is stuff behind a curtain that would have been terrifying to me even a few months ago, the office is really small and cramped. It was honestly the closest thing you could get in the real world to my greatest fears in a therapists office... and yet it didn't phase me at all and I am super excited about new T. Awesome T asked about my favorite memories together... we talked about when he reached out and took my hand, and the session he had to use the bathroom... We talked about the birthday he had recently... we talked about his family. He was surprised, now that we are done I would actually engage the conversation about his family where before I would mostly listen. So he learned how much I was paying attention when he would talk about family. Awesome T held me, a lot. I sheepishly asked if T would hold me without the pillow between us... he said yes and I pulled the pillow out and curled up beside him again but was able to hear his heart and feel his warmth. He held me tighter. I started to get to a calm place and sat up a bit so that I could see T. He asked if he could give me some gifts. I looked at him in shock. "I JUST stopped crying and you are going to make me start SOBBING!". He went over to his desk and got a small bear... we had talked about the bear a long time ago but I had never seen it. It was from a time when T was doing some of his own work... the story I remembered. He held the bear out and I scared myself as I snatched it from him and held it to me with a death grip. Then he gave me a small stone, one he often carries in his pocket.. he couldn't remember what it was for but I remembered the first time he had shown me the rocks he carried in his pocket and why he had that one. He didn't cry in front of me but you could tell the tears were there.

It wasn't the journey I was expecting 4 years ago when we started. There is no way I would have guessed that it would end with me curled up beside him crying but feeling safe and loved. I thought there were "measurable and achievable outcomes" like when I worked in child welfare... there wasn't. There was a safe, loving relationship that allowed me to grow and heal however I chose to do that. There was someone beside me who loved me very much though it all, even in the ending.

The bear is soggy, and I am not sure how long his ears will hold out with all the rubbing. The stone is in my pouch with my grandmothers rosary and some other special things I always have with me. My service dog doesn't understand how she has been replaced by a small stuffy... and she wonders if said stuffy has a squeaker.

Possible trigger:


I took the night off from work but when I got home H didn't approve... so I have my work computer up, I can't do a fight tonight. H knows that T is going away until May/June but does not know we ended today.

I am SO very thankful I see new T on Friday. I am looking forward to my time with him. I am thankful that I was able to share with awesome T some of my hopes with new T... and awesome T was... awesome... so I don't have to feel so guilty/shameful about it. T thought it would be a good thing and didn't see any red flags but reminded me to trust myself and what I was feeling.... after all... our boundaries weren't the normal therapy ones either and he thought our therapy together went really well.

I'm still OK.
I am really sad and tired.
But I am OK.

Awesome T promised to never hurt me and he didn't. He promised to never lie to me and he didn't. Awesome T still loves me and that isn't going to change. Awesome T and I are going to get together when he gets back and we will touch base between now and then... including some kind of call for Christmas.

I'm sad
I'm OK

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LonesomeTonight
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Default Nov 15, 2022 at 09:25 PM
  #2
Hugs, Omers, that sounds like such a lovely last session. Though not a goodbye really.

I'm sorry about your mom. And you should be able to take a day off work without your H's approval.

I hope you have a good session with New T Friday.
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Default Nov 18, 2022 at 10:14 PM
  #3
That is a beautiful last session, Omers! I would hope mine and L's be similar. Just like your T, L says she has no plans to abandon me. Even when she retires, she won't cut off all contact with me. And also like your T, L has given me transitional objects, a few that was hers. It's a beautiful thing to have a relationship like you have with your T. So much love, healing, and growth! I know it's not for everyone, and not everyone will find it, but the therapeutic relationship can be really special.

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Default Nov 19, 2022 at 11:28 AM
  #4
I'm sending hugs, Omers. It sounds like a lovely session. Love, healing and growth are what therapy are supposed to provide. Thanks for sharing with us (for giving us a glimpse into) the special therapeutic relationship you have with your T.

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Default Nov 20, 2022 at 11:17 AM
  #5
Your final session with awesome T sounded lovely and a fitting end to your 4 years together. You will always have those gifts and you will always have the memories of your work together. Glad you are OK. A new chapter awaits.
((Omers))

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