[LonesomeTonight]

I feel like I'm taking over the Couch, so posting a new thread. Feel free to comment here on anything related to my therapy and Dr. T.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by stopdog

"He's not meeting all my needs--there is still a lot in me that needs to be filled that I don't think he's capable of filling."

I don't think this is the point of therapy and I don't think this is the point of any adult relationship of any sort. If this is what you are looking for from another person of any ilk - I think it will not ever work.

SD - I hope it's okay I quoted you here. I just think since the conversation moved here, it would be best on this thread.

I agree with you in general. In relationships outside of therapy, no one can meet all your needs. Well, even in the therapeutic relationship, it can't. In regular relationships, you have multiple people who can meet different needs and the sum is that most your needs are meet. In therapy, you are paying someone to meet your needs. Especially if you're dealing with specific things.

I do not believe Dr. T is meeting the therapeutic needs LT has. If she could have multiple therapists, then maybe? But that's not usually accepted by other therapists.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

And this doesn't mean that everything is now OK with me and Dr. T. I'm feeling better, but it's all relative, as I had been feeling quite bad. Like I was thinking of terminating tomorrow. I don't feel that way right now. But it's not like it's all fine.

It was sort of interesting that I said something about choosing him and knowing what I was getting. And he said, "Well, I chose you, too." Like at least on some level, he knew what he was getting into with me (I mean, I sought him out to help me deal with the attachment to ex-MC and told him that).


I guess I hadn't thought of the aspect that therapists in some way choose their clients, too. Or at least to keep working with them.

This is one of the things that I love when L says to me: that she 'chooses' to be with me. It means a lot to me, so I can understand why it means a lot to you.

AND he still isn't seeming to meet your needs. L has some flaws that directly affect my therapy with her. Yet she still meets my therapeutic needs. Is Dr. T honestly meeting yours? I know we don't know the ins and outs of your sessions, but the majority of your posts about your therapy seems like rupture after rupture. And I don't believe it's due to your issues completely. I think Dr. T definitely has his weaknesses that he doesn't take responsibility for.

[AliceKate]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

SD - I hope it's okay I quoted you here. I just think since the conversation moved here, it would be best on this thread.

I agree with you in general. In relationships outside of therapy, no one can meet all your needs. Well, even in the therapeutic relationship, it can't. In regular relationships, you have multiple people who can meet different needs and the sum is that most your needs are meet. In therapy, you are paying someone to meet your needs. Especially if you're dealing with specific things.

I do not believe Dr. T is meeting the therapeutic needs LT has. If she could have multiple therapists, then maybe? But that's not usually accepted by other therapists.

I don't read the couch, the conversation there moves to quickly for me. So I'm stepping into this kind of blindly, but I do agree with SD. The therapeutic relationship, it seems to me, is not about filling ones needs, but about enabeling us to do that ourselves.

[unaluna]

I think a t can be like a pet foster - they get the neglected or abused animal up to level where they can just be the good dog they were always meant to be.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

I don't read the couch, the conversation there moves to quickly for me. So I'm stepping into this kind of blindly, but I do agree with SD. The therapeutic relationship, it seems to me, is not about filling ones needs, but about enabeling us to do that ourselves.

Enabeling us to fill our needs, is still a need. And other needs (like processing attachments) still need to be met. I don't think that's what Dr. T is doing.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think a t can be like a pet foster - they get the neglected or abused animal up to level where they can just be the good dog they were always meant to be.

I agree.

[ElectricManatee]

Yeah, I think it's a both/and thing. The therapist can obviously not meet all your needs, but they can meet some of them in a limited way and the experience of getting that need met is helpful to the process.

"Ah, that's what validation feels like. It's very different from how my parents treated me and thus how I treat myself..."

"I felt really uncomfortable when you met my mistake with compassion rather than judgment. I wonder why that was my reaction..."

"I got angry and you didn't get angry back. Is that normal? Doesn't my anger hurt you somehow?"

"I said that thing that actually kind of pissed you off but you didn't ice me out and we discussed it instead. Hmmm..." (this has only happened once that I actually made her mad!)

These are a few examples from the relational side of my own therapy but there are so many other flavors it can take. And the overall consistency, predictability, and warmth of the relationship are its own thing. Vulnerability can only happen when there is a lot of trust that whatever interaction you're having is likely to be a positive one.

[zoiecat]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Vulnerability can only happen when there is a lot of trust that whatever interaction you're having is likely to be a positive one.

Although Dr T does occassionally show his true feelings, he does also reassure LT that many things she does are okay, that he is fine with it and usually gives in with others when she pushes the issue.

IMO I don't think vulnerability with Dr T is the problem. She does and says things I could NEVER do with my T. Howver I disagree with the quoted statement. I think part of therapy is learning how to deal with an interaction that does not go your way. That is part of life. I wonder if Dr T has his own issues with conflict avoidance because he always caves when LT gets upset about an interaction rather than teaching her how to accept and deal with situations that don't go exactly how she wants them to be scripted.

Obviously I don't know the specifics of your sessions LT but you describe it as a lot of talking about the problems of the day and receiving reassurance that you were right on your part. I always wonder if Dr T is actually teaching you things like suggesting ways to look at things differently or from the other persons point of view. Acceptance is a very helful skill that allows you to be okay even when things don't go as planned.

[LonesomeTonight]

Just popping in to say I'll reply to stuff on here and the Couch and any IMs later today or tomorrow morning. Just swamped with work right now, but didn't want to seem like I was ignoring anyone! I do appreciate your feedback and time.