T on leave, sent an email I regret, general chaos

So my T is currently on maternity leave (2nd time in the 4-ish years I've been seeing her). In the lead up to her leave we talked about what I wanted to do while she was on leave and if I wanted to see another therapist. I said I wasn't 100% sure but probably not. T asked me if I would like a referral anyway and I said yes. She gave the name of one T whom she said would be the best fit for me and was a really good therapist who she had done supervision with. I felt comforted know I had the option of seeing someone my T had such a positive opinion of.

Two weeks after my last session with T I decided I wanted to contact the referral she gave me. Turns out they aren't accepting new patients! I was so angry and upset that my T hadn't even bothered checking that before referring me to them and gave me no other options. I emailed my T telling her the therapist she recommended didn't have availability and I assumed she would have checked that before giving me their details. I also asked her to send me some new referrals.

Four days later I hadn't heard back, keep in mind in our last session T said she would be contactable via email and she checks her inbox daily. So I sent a very curtly worded follow up email today which is below:

Hi T,
I’m following up on the email I sent last Wednesday regarding referrals.

It’s very disappointing to have been your patient for four years and have you go on maternity leave twice only for you to leave me in the lurch with no support.

You are actually ethically obligated to provide me with suitable referrals when you’re no longer able to provide psychological service as per item B.11.3 of the attached document:

Psychologists make reasonable arrangements of service provision when they are no longer able to deliver the psychological service.

Providing me with only one referral to someone who you didn’t even check had availability and then being uncontactable does not meet the criteria of “reasonable arrangements”.

Last we spoke you said you would be checking your emails daily as you like to keep on top of your inbox. It has since become clear that is not the case. Having had no response from you I have attempted to find a therapist on my own but have had no success.

Please get back to me as soon as possible with some suitable recommendations and please check they have availability this time.

retro_chic


Now I regret sending it. I should have been kinder, T is probably busy giving birth or recovering from giving birth or whatever. But if I send another email apologising it just looks ridiculous and completely chaotic. I really don't know what to do. This is something I would usually talk about in therapy but I don't have a therapist sooo . What should I do?

Hi, Retro. I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. I'd be equally upset in your situation.

I think it would be OK to send a brief apology email, and that's likely what I would do (and I've done similar before). Something like, "I'm sorry for my last email--I know it was rather harsh. And you may not have had a chance to read or reply to my previous email because you are giving birth or recovering. If that is the case, of course I completely understand and hope that you and baby are well. Please just get back to me when you are able."

I hope you do hear back soon, whether you send another email or not. Out of curiosity, when you contacted the new T, did you tell her that your T had referred you? Just wondering if she might have a different policy for referrals--especially as you'd presumably be a temporary client--as opposed to clients who email out of the blue. So if you didn't tell her that, it's worth a try.

Yes, I did tell the new T that my current T referred me. The point is, my current T did not even bother contacting this new T prior to referring me to her to check if she had availability. I realise now she is probably either recovering from giving birth or about to give birth however she had ample opportunity to organise referrals prior to her leave. It's literally her job to do so. This is not the first time she has let me down like this so part of me feels very righteous in my anger. The other part of me does care about T and I don't want her to think poorly of me.

When she finally responds, state that you were a bit harsh and explain how you felt. It is stressful to be without t but who really knows what’s going on. Maybe her labor or whatever happened after labor keeps her from emailing. Promises go out the window in those cases. My daughter gave birth 7 months ago. Everyone is doing well now but everything what could go wrong before, during and after birth went wrong, so checking emails wouldn’t even be on a radar. So wait for her response and go from there. Good luck

Yeah, kind of harsh. I’d probably apologize and then simply consult my insurance to find another therapist (since I would only be able to afford a therapist on my insurance anyway — that may not be a factor for you). I honestly wouldn’t expect a therapist to always check the details of another therapist for referral. And generally, I never had much luck with a referral actually being the right fit anyway. That’s always been something I preferred to look for myself. I have never found doctors, etc. particularly obligated to check those kinds of details. Their obligation is to make a recommendation, but the suitability is generally rather relative so it’s often left to the hunt/search regardless.

Yeah, I don't really consider that to be acceptable practice from any professional, particularly one who has a duty of care. Contrary to what you may think, they are ethically and legally obligated to "check those kinds of details". Suitability refers to whether that referral meets the needs of the client i.e availability, skill set and location.

Also, I did email an apology last night and have just received a response with a list of recommendations, about half of which are useless as they're either male (I specifically need a female T) or they are not located in an area I can get to. She also did not apologise for her lack of responsiveness or inability to organise an appropriate referral. The lack of thoughtfulness behind this latest email suggests she just doesn't care. Four years wasted with this woman. Now to continue the cycle of finding a new therapist to deal with the trauma caused by the previous one. Rinse and repeat.

Hugs, if wanted. I'm glad she replied, but sorry you were unhappy with it. I wouldn't give up on her permanently yet, though. If she did just have her baby, she's likely going on very little sleep and free time. She may have just been trying to throw together a list for you as quickly as possible, and maybe these are just the only T's she found who have availability (as you said your search also hadn't turned up anyone).

Out of curiosity, does she know you would only work with a female T? And is she aware you can't get to certain areas? Again, I'd try to give her a bit of a pass for now, as she's likely overwhelmed. I understand you're disappointed and hurt and have every right to be. I'd just try not to make decisions on whether to stay with her once she returns right now.

I hope you're able to find a T to work with while she's out. I wonder if maybe you could contact one of the T's she suggested, tell them you can't get to the area they're in, and ask if they know of any with availability in areas you can get to? Or contact one of the male T's with the same question? I know my T says that when potential new clients call, if he has no openings that will work for them (or for some other reason, it wouldn't work out), he always gives them other names as suggestions.

Yes, she knows I only want to see a female T as I wrote it in my first email and we have also talked about that extensively. She also knows where I live and work so she should be well aware of what locations work for me.

Of the list of 8 recommendations she sent through, one was the T I already told her I contacted and had no availability, two were men, one was located too far away and two are not suitable for other reasons which we discussed last time she went on maternity leave. One of recommendations was also copied pasted twice so that just leaves one useful referral who I had actually already contacted and am still waiting for a reply.

She did not acknowledge my apology or offer one herself, not even a “sorry you’re having a hard time”. She also said she didn’t know if any of these new recommendations had availability either. I don’t know if she’s had the baby or what is going on as she didn’t mention that either. If she had organised all of this properly before her leave none of this would be an issue.

I'm sorry... And like you said, if she'd organized it before she went on leave, it wouldn't have been an issue. It would be different if this were an unexpected illness or, say, a pregnancy complication 2 months before she was due. It also would have been good for her to have acknowledged the apology and your struggles.


I hope you hear back from the one possibility soon and that you're able to see her.