Couch 241: Twin primes!

Hugs, Kit. I spent the weekend watching football, too (including my team get eliminated, but I was expecting that). I hope you're able to meet with T tomorrow as planned.

My computer and email are a hot mess. I'm one of those people where if I share my screen on something, people would be horrified at my desktop because of how many files i have on it. And I'm working on deleting emails, as I'm at 83% of Gmail's free storage allotment (granted, I've been using it for more than 10 years). And I have tons of unread emails, but many are marketing things or just confirmations where I see what I need in the preview.

My team, the Los Angeles Rams, sucked this year and we got no where near the playoffs. So I have a couple of other teams I am rooting for and so far they are still in. So I guess that's good. I am sorry your team got eliminated! That is always tough in the playoffs! Pretty much everyone at work, their team is already eliminated or didn't make it in. Just one guy still has his team in.

I texted T because I am having some SH urges but also because I think Joan of Arc wants to talk to me. But I am open to the idea that it is a delusion. But it's hard because it is so compelling! T answered and said it is probably a delusion. So I gotta rest in that. Although I am curious to know what Joan of Arc wants to tell me! She hasn't actually spoke yet. Just something in me knows that she wants to talk to me. Maybe has to do with my upcoming trip to Peru. Not sure.

Thanks for the hugs! HUGS back to you! Kit

I'm glad I'm not the only one! I think I am about at half of what Google allows for free! I have something like 2500 unread emails! EEK! But they aren't from anyone important.

I ended up rather triggered by backup backup T (K) today. I mean, it started when I pulled into the parking lot, as it was the same building complex (sort of like a strip mall of offices) as ex-MC and ex-T. I knew it was there, and I'd been in this exact office since terminating with ex-MC to see my then-p-doc. But I also haven't been in that parking lot since the pandemic.

Plus she was asking a bunch of things that a T would normally ask in an intake about my history, so talking about some of that triggered me. I asked partway through if it was a 45-, 50-, or 60-minute session, so I'd know when to wrap up. She said any of those is fine, let's go with 50. I said OK. When we were at the 50-minute mark, I was in a weird place. I asked, "Is it possible for us to go to 60 minutes instead?" She agreed. I felt a bit better from talking those 10 minutes.

I'm supposed to see her at 10 am Wednesday, but she said I can let her know if I want to cancel if I give 24 hours notice. So I'm going to think about it.

I should have spent more time talking about stuff regarding my D--well, present stuff, as I did give her some history--as she has some experience working with autistic kids, including in our school system. But she was also saying how great our school system is, including for kids with special needs, when I have some doubts about it (both from my own experience and from what some others in a group I'm in have said--though they're biased), so I think that sort of turned me off to it a bit? Maybe I could spend the next session talking more about D's current issues to see if she has any insight? I don't know.

And I don't know that I got the warmth from her that Dr. T was saying--I mean, she wasn't *cold*, but R seems much warmer, just naturally. I don't know... I also felt like I was all over the place, trying to settle on what I wanted to talk about, though part of that was her asking questions, too.

People would be horrified at the 58 tabs I currently have open in Chrome. Yes, I counted them.

So sorry you got triggered today LT. Plus it is a little annoying (at least I would be annoyed) by the intake part as she is a backup. But maybe it helps the T know how to help best or to frame better. HUGS Kit

Speaking of Google storage limits, the Google work accounts at my school now have a 20 GB limit (no limit before, includes Drive, email, etc.). They warned us repeatedly about this in the fall.

Yesterday my ableist colleague sent me an email, part of it in all caps, screaming that her Drive was frozen because she was over the limit and somehow she missed all those announcements in the fall.

Just, you know, deal with it like an adult. I wrote her not to contact me again over anything that wasn’t official department or committee business.

Still don’t know if the anti-discrimination people have contacted her.

The problem with doing genealogy starting from knowing basically nothing is the sheer number of people I have to add to my working tree just to figure out if they're important or not. I literally cannot keep this much information in my head at one time. I need some way to color code the little people icons so I can remember who is important, but this site doesn't have that option. I think I have figured out at least one set of great-great grandparents on my birth father's side, but I have not yet figured out where I fit into this insane mess. I'm kind of worried that it's going to turn out that my birth father was a lot older than my 16 year old birth mother and that's going to creep me out.

My computer desktop looks the same way! Also my emails are a hot mess as well... I am almost at the limit for my storage as well, I need to spend some time deleting at some point.....

I'm a bit worried that Joan of Arc won't actually talk to me now and I will miss the opportunity to hear what she has to say. But the feeling that she is going to talk to me has lessened some. I texted a couple of friends and my T.

I read an article about that. How even through our schizophrenic ramblings and musings that there can be really important stuff in what is said. I never thought about it that way. But now this seems important. But because I talked to others, she might not talk to me. That will make me sad I think.

In my text to T we got into a short discussion about angels. Then I sent her a youtube video of a song I heard over the weekend which was really compelling and talked about angels. She thanked me for the link and really liked it and sent it to a friend of hers.

Thanks, Kit. I'm guessing maybe she felt she needed to know some background? Maybe also trying to do a sort of wellness check, because of what she was asking about. I asked her what Dr. T had said about me, and she was like "Nothing." I suppose I thought he'd have given her a little background of some sort? Even just like, "She has anxiety and OCD, an autistic daughter, and attachment issue." Though she figured out the anxiety in like the first 30 seconds (I'm pretty sure anyone could have figured that out though! I wasn't exactly subtle.)

That does sound really difficult, keeping track. Could you maybe screenshot parts of it and mark up the screenshot? Or print it out and mark with a highlighter? It seems like the program should have something like that built in though....

And I hope you don't learn that about your birth father.

I did download a set of icons and am using those icons at the person's picture. It's helping somewhat to organize the chaos. I have high suspicions that I've got my birth father narrowed down. Unfortunately, his name is so frigging generic I have almost zero hope of using it to get anywhere. Think John Edward Jones. Pretty sure I can track down some relatives, but I don't even know how that conversation would go down. This is all getting a bit too real for me. I wish I could undo starting this, but I'm not sure I can stop until I find answers at this point. This whole thing is exacerbating my depression.

The father suspect is 3 years older than she was, so 16 and 19. I guess that falls under most Romeo and Juliet laws. Don't want to seem like a prude, but that age gap would give me some pause if one of them was my kid.

One of the names that I found on the other side of the tree is a dude named Belizaire Boulet from 1850's Louisiana. I want to be related to this guy so bad. His name conjures up some wild imagery, like wrasslin' alligators or something.

I've tried some geneaology stuff, and my mom's side of the family has some really generic names in it, too, which makes it particularly challenging. I understand how you now feel like you have to see it through. I'm sorry it's making your depression worse though.


I feel bad saying that's not too bad in the age gap, but I do feel like it's fairly common and not necessarily exploitative. Like could be a high school sophomore dating a high school senior or freshman in college. Which is still disturbing in a way, I get it.

@@ - is she trying to make a case that you are buds?

Gee, i wonder what she was so busy doing last fall that she missed those emails

OK, that's a great name! Perhaps you come from a line of alligator wrasslers.

Idk, im seeing a ruffled shirt, high heels a la Louis Quinze, and a bicycle with a huge front wheel.

Italy apparently was a wilderness before the mid-1800's, so no history for me.