Couch 241: Twin primes!

Sooo delish. Meatballs are probably my favorite food.

Chicken parm was so good! It's H's second favorite meal of mine.

I had a difficult OBGYN appointment yesterday. T knew that I had the appointment. While I was in the appointment (in the waiting room) she texted me and told me to call her afterwards. I was a little annoyed because that would mean sitting in the parking lot and calling her but I thought okay, it might be helpful. So then I had the difficult appointment. I called her afterward as instructed but she told me she was on the other line waiting for her doctor. And that she would call me later. I drove home and kept my phone with me until I went to bed and of course T didn't call or text. I don't know why she doesn't follow through with things. But I was mildly annoyed. This morning I texted her to tell her that I paid my copay via Zelle for tonight and set up the Zoom for tonight. She responded that she didn't know what happened--why she couldn't call me back last night. It is what it is. I can talk to her tonight about what happened yesterday. I also need to talk to her about some intrusive thoughts but I am kind of scared to in case she thinks I am some sort of psycho. I'm still mildly annoyed with T because I didn't want to call her in the first place, and then I did, and then she didn't get back to me. More of her randomness. Oh well. I will get over it soon enough.

Hugs, Kit. I'm so sorry that she can't manage to be more reliable for you. You deserve so much better.

I couldn't have said it any better, Artie.

I understand being attached to a T, but that rather entails that they keep their end of the relationship in order.

I hope she's able to fit you in for a session at some point this week.

Sadly, it really doesn't.

Willowtigger needs to hide from the radioactive banana skins that are filled with radioactiveness

Are you okay willowtigger?

I agree with this, Kit, and am also sending hugs.

She shouldn't have offered to call and then not done it. (It makes me think of when ex-MC would let me know he'd call me, but give no sense of when, and sometimes it was 2 days later at a really random time. So I'd be carrying my phone with me wherever I went (like, in the bathroom--I don't usually take it there!) just in case.)

I hope you actually meet tonight and that she's helpful.

Thanks Artie and LT for the hugs and Lost and Comrade too. I'm not really upset anymore. I'm over it. One of these days I will probably bring up her randomness. Like it concerns me that she doesn't even know why she couldn't call me back last night, I mean, it's not like it was a week away, it's one day later. But being her client I have to choose to accept her randomness or get another T and I'm so not up for trying to find a new T. It's so hard. And not many have nights/weekends available. I think I know I am settling but part of me is like this is what I deserve. I wish I could have former T back. She was great! I told myself (and her) that I wouldn't be in contact with her for a while but I broke that and contacted her via text last week I think it was. Not that she responded because she never responds anymore but hopefully she read it and at least smiled when she heard from me.

PT tonight for my shoulder. It is so sore. I know it won't help that much. I will have to bring it up to my GP when I see her on 1 March.

h and I got into a huge fight earlier. he got FURIOUS with me because I ****ing ASKED A QUESTION. I thought it was a perfectly legitimate question about something that I am just learning about through this house-selling process, and he took SUCH OFFENSE to my question like it wounded him physically that I asked to try to understand something better and he said I just needed to trust him and why don't I believe him. I again said that I honestly am just trying to learn. We haven't spoken since and he's in there pouting in front of the tv again.

Kit, I truly feel the same way about my marriage - I feel like this crap with h is only what I deserve; that I don't deserve anything better so I need to just stay with him because otherwise I will die alone and that thought makes me incapable of leaving. eta: this has been my fear my ENTIRE life - the dying alone thing - I watched it happen to my paternal granmother who was such a mean and just not-nice person and alienated everyone around her until that's what happened to her, she died alone.

I am a broken woman, deserving of nothing. well, nothing good, anyway.

I wonder what would happen if I just packed a suitcase, went to the airport and bought a one-way plane ticket to who knows where, and just disappeared, change my name, shave my head or something, I don't know. I could never hurt my son like that though. I have to figure this out somehow. Running away isn't the answer.

I am reconsidering going back to ex-pdoc and getting on depression meds again. If h won't, then I'm going to need help to get through whatever the **** is going on with him. I think I need to call ex-pdoc tomorrow.

So I used to think this way when married. But then I realized I was alone even with someone there, so what the heck, might as well be alone without someone screaming at me.

And unlike me, you have a son. He's a good kid. He won't let you die alone.

thank you atat. it all just seems so... complicated...

You're right about my son he has grown up into such a fine man and while I would not want to burden him, I know he would not consider me that way and would not let me die alone. This gives me hope. I am definitely going to call ex-pdoc tomorrow and see about getting back on meds, and once I start getting my head in a better place, then I can start working on figuring out how to leave. I can't live like this anymore.

well, that was a surprise. I just logged onto my insurance website to make sure ex-pdoc is still in network this year and he is, so i did a cost estimate thingy, and earned $50 reward dollars that will go on my HSA account. Huh. I am gonna play around on here more and see if I can earn more dollars.

This pdoc is a lot more expensive than he was last time I saw him back in what, 2009 I think it was? Because I haven't met my deductible yet, 6 medication management visits would cost me just under $1000!!! Yeesh. Need to find a less costly one.... it's been 14 years since I saw him last so he'd be like a stranger again anyway so who cares.

I have a sibling who is in an unhappy marriage and neither of them will do anything about it. They have tried counseling (a giant waste) and other things, separated and gotten back together countless times ( often because they were worried about the children - who are all adults and at this point are telling them to just get divorced). My sibling keeps saying he doesn't want to make anything worse (although he also says he wants to die - so my response is usually how can it get worse - even if worse -at least it would be different). I don't want him to be unhappy -but he has several outs and won't take them -it is sad to watch someone so unhappy and so unable to make a choice that would benefit him. He focuses on what his wife does wrong - and she is focused on his failings - so they stay stuck and miserable but it is familiar.

Continuing my research on my insurance website I found another pdoc that's in a familiar area for me and is a little less costly, the cost estimator says $655 for 6 medication management visits. And he has evening appointments which are not easy to find. I wrote his number down to call tomorrow. Thankfully I have my HSA to pay for all of it with, so I don't have to eat up my overtime $ I've been working so hard for. I am grateful for this, and feeling gratitude and actually starting to take action in a positive direction is improving my mood a little.

What would the purpose of a psychiatrist be? I am not messing with you and you don't have to answer -but I am curious (for example -my sibling is on anti-depressants but still won't make choices that would help him) as to whether the purpose is to use chemistry to more tolerate an unhappy place such that a change is less compelling or to use chemistry because it might help make change not so scary or something else.

I have never taken any drugs for depression or anxiety -but they gave my person some ativan for anxiety around chemo (a couple of rounds were brutal) and she described taking one as just whoosh the anxiety was gone. Another friend used ativan for anxiety for a few months after her father died because she kept fretting about dying -and she called them her happy pills. I tried taking one of my person's one time and felt nothing - no whoosh, no happy pill response. I was both relieved I felt nothing from taking one and a little disappointed. I wanted to know what whoosh felt like.