[LonesomeTonight]

Something that came up with my T today was the pandemic's effect on therapy. How meeting virtually from my home and often his home (he often met virtually from his office) affected the therapeutic relationship and made it feed more personal. Including things like seeing his dog and cat at one point. He also disclosed considerably more about himself during that time (we were virtual for about 2 years, aside from a few weeks in summer 2021). I said part of it, too, is that we were both dealing with the same thing (pandemic, isolation earlier on) at the same time.

I think we need to discuss it all more. He said today that he wished some of it hadn't happened the way it did. In terms of disclosure and even in my seeing his dog. (But she was so cute! Small white fluffy thing. And his petting her was rather endearing, which I think is why he wished I hadn't seen it.)

Anyway, I'm just wondering about the effect on other people's therapy. Whether in the past or still going on (like if you're still virtual). Did you feel more connected? More distant? How else did it affect things in the relationship then and now?

[Taylor27]

I think if it was not for my therapist to be put on leave and me following her to private practice. I would not feel so close to her, as I would if we kept meeting in her office.

Sometimes it has been stressful in that I did not know what was happening in the therapy as there where times we did not touch base or there was a lack of communication. That probably needs to be discussed at some point.

I think im able to trust her more now then I was before. I know she cares about me and sees me as a person not her client. I think our relationship has become strong in that now I think we can be honest with each other.

The pandemic has been challenging and it has been good for me. She has told me that I have been helpful for her as she is dealing with work issues.

[East17]

I've been working remotely with this T right from the start and have only met her once in person. That in person meeting did help strengthen the connection. I think virtual is second best, but better than nothing. Mainly because neither of you have whole body language or the physical sense that you get by being in the same room as the other person.

With previous T, I saw her 3 times f2f before the pandemic hit, and after that we just worked over the phone. I think having already met her in person helped with the connection from the start and made it easier to move to telephone. Working with her and not having any visual cues at all was both challenging and strangely intimate at the same time.

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[ScarletPimpernel]

Part of me misses the early pandemic sessions. It was just me and L, no one else in the office. We could have long sessions whenever we wanted. And I used to get daily long email reminders. It was just more intimate. I really feel like we bonded more. Now there has been so many changes in her life that keep affecting me, and there's more of a distance. Hmm...maybe L and I should do more talking/grieving about that year. I keep struggling with feeling distant from her, and maybe this is a part of it.

Thanks LT for the prompt!

[Waterbear]

My Ex T stopped working in the pandemic, early on, and took several months off due to lockdowns. I actually went round at one point to pick up some tomato plants she was giving me, and I remember her saying how she was really enjoying the slower pace of life, the time and the ability to just potter and 'be'. I remember thinking in that moment that I wouldn't be surprised if it changed things forever, with her working life, but I put it out of my mind, saying to myself that I should trust in her and in the relationship.

When she resumed in person, she actually had decided to take a step back, no longer working on Fridays, our second session day, and was not able to offer an alternative. It caused a huge amount of upset and a huge rupture. One I am not sure we ever really got over.

It was incredibly difficult to repair the relationship too, as we had to keep stopping and starting due to more lockdowns. She never did offer virtual, and to be fair I wouldn't have taken it even if she did. We did meet up outside a couple of times, when we were allowed, which was nice, and offered a different dynamic, but even with this it still felt like a very stop/start couple of years.

And I am sure that the pandemic is what caused her to retire earlier than she would have otherwise. It gave her a taste of a different life, and she wanted more of that. I can't really blame her, it was the right decision for her, but totally the wrong decision for me.

It just happened that life got really turbulent for her and she had to retire even earlier than she had planned, and she dealt with it all really badly.

So yeah, the pandemic has a LOT to answer for, for me.

[Omers]

Virtual was very hard for me and once awesome T adjusted to virtual he started traveling more as many of his clients preferred virtual or didn't care. You all know that there was a ton of personal disclosure throughout our work together and personally, even in hindsight I think I benefitted from it. When he traveled one thing, he allowed me which was a HUGE help was to let me go to his office for the virtual session. One of his office mates would let me in and I would use my phone for the video session.
The closest comparison I can think of between your T petting his dog and awesome T actually happened in person. He was looking for a picture of his vintage car to show me and stopped on a very nurturing pic of him and his granddaughter. I actually triggered but we worked through it and it was a major turning point for us.
I guess I learned from awesome T that there are very few mistakes in therapy as a general rule. What makes something a mistake or a powerful intervention is what the client and the T are able to do with it.

[smileygal]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Something that came up with my T today was the pandemic's effect on therapy. How meeting virtually from my home and often his home (he often met virtually from his office) affected the therapeutic relationship and made it feed more personal. Including things like seeing his dog and cat at one point. He also disclosed considerably more about himself during that time (we were virtual for about 2 years, aside from a few weeks in summer 2021). I said part of it, too, is that we were both dealing with the same thing (pandemic, isolation earlier on) at the same time.

I think we need to discuss it all more. He said today that he wished some of it hadn't happened the way it did. In terms of disclosure and even in my seeing his dog. (But she was so cute! Small white fluffy thing. And his petting her was rather endearing, which I think is why he wished I hadn't seen it.)

Anyway, I'm just wondering about the effect on other people's therapy. Whether in the past or still going on (like if you're still virtual). Did you feel more connected? More distant? How else did it affect things in the relationship then and now?

Hmm I'm not yet entirely sure what effect it has had on my therapy I think it hasn't necessarily brought us closer as my therapist still didn't disclose too much. I think I find it much easier to connect in person.

I'm interested in hearing why he wishes some things didn't happen how they did. Does he somehow think that because of these things this is why you have developed these feelings for him? Because I can tell you my therapist revealed very little during the pandemic that she didn't reveal prior and I developed strong attachment feelings towards her regardless. My feelings were there prior but intensified at different points. I don't understand why he would regret it unless a boundary was crossed or he feels it somehow gave you the wrong message? Also, he really he regrets you seeing him with his dog? huh?

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Early on things were a bit different, some were nice, some not so much. But overall therapy has stayed the same for me, there were a few months without it, more just little chats. But those never gave me any insight into his private life more than I think he'd disclose anyways with clients that he knows a bit better and knows how they will react to certain things.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by smileygal

Hmm I'm not yet entirely sure what effect it has had on my therapy I think it hasn't necessarily brought us closer as my therapist still didn't disclose too much. I think I find it much easier to connect in person.

I'm interested in hearing why he wishes some things didn't happen how they did. Does he somehow think that because of these things this is why you have developed these feelings for him? Because I can tell you my therapist revealed very little during the pandemic that she didn't reveal prior and I developed strong attachment feelings towards her regardless. My feelings were there prior but intensified at different points. I don't understand why he would regret it unless a boundary was crossed or he feels it somehow gave you the wrong message? Also, he really he regrets you seeing him with his dog? huh?

So in the discussion about the feelings yesterday, I said how I thought it was natural for relationships to become closer over time. And he said, "All relationships except therapeutic ones!" That's it can be bad if they get closer because they can become more friend-like and casual, and then it's not as helpful. How then it can become less one-way (as he said they're meant to me).

I'm assuming that's what he's thinking with the dog and the disclosures? That it made it more friend-like? He did say how seeing him in his home plus the dog, etc. was sort of "breaking the 4th wall." So sort of like seeing behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. He said things happened with his work during the pandemic that he regretted (I'm pretty sure he meant in general with his clients, not just in relation to me).

I guess with the dog, maybe it's part of what I said to him before and mentioned again yesterday. When we were in session that day, I'd looked down, and he said "Sorry about this." I looked up to see the dog on his lap. He said, "She's very needy," then kept petting her the whole time he talked to me. I said later how his comment made me think he was OK with needy creatures (like me). So maybe I read too much into it for his liking. But it was also seeing an endearing side.

I think I'm going to discuss all this more with him tomorrow, though I don't know because he's out of town next week. We probably should have addressed much of this while it was happening. And I did mention his increased disclosure at one point, but he seemed to think he wasn't disclosing more than usual. I didn't want to bring it up too much though, because even though I wasn't sure it was the best thing for me, I also didn't want him to pull way back. Which I'm afraid he'll do now.

Then again, he shared something about one of his friends (sort of in the context of what we were talking about) at the end of session yesterday. So it's not like he's turned it off completely. Though he also said, "You may think, 'He chose to tell me about one of his friends--why isn't he telling me about all of them?'" I said it's difficult, because he may choose to share, but then if I asked a specific question about his friends or life, he's more likely to choose not to answer. Like he has all the control. He said I can choose to keep some things from him, too (and that I likely do), but I said that's a bit different.

Anyway, sorry, that got off the topic I started a little bit!

I do appreciate everyone's responses!

[LostOnTheTrail]

Though he also said, "You may think, 'He chose to tell me about one of his friends--why isn't he telling me about all of them?'"

The conclusion he's jumped to here is baffling to me. It seems to me that the relationship would cease to be therapeutic if one disclosure was expected to lead to a waterfall of others.

I think there's a line between being a therapist and being a human, and I'm not sure that Dr. T has gauged it correctly in this case. R will occasionally share experiences that relate to something I've brought into session, and sometimes these are deeply personal things...but that doesn't mean I'm going to ask for details.

I'm sorry you feel you have to tiptoe in the therapeutic relationship.

[Lostislost]

Personally the pandemic ruined everything for me. At the time I felt closer to my T, as I still kept seeing him in person through the lockdowns. But he became the only person I saw, except colleagues, so I felt really close to him as my world changed. Now we are on the other side (?) I feel stupid for relying on him so much. I don't feel like we got closer, I feel like he pulled away and stayed away. It used to feel intimate sharing things, now it feels forced. I feel like I died several times in the pandemic, and he didn't notice, or get to know the new me.

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

The conclusion he's jumped to here is baffling to me. It seems to me that the relationship would cease to be therapeutic if one disclosure was expected to lead to a waterfall of others.

I think there's a line between being a therapist and being a human, and I'm not sure that Dr. T has gauged it correctly in this case. R will occasionally share experiences that relate to something I've brought into session, and sometimes these are deeply personal things...but that doesn't mean I'm going to ask for details.

I'm sorry you feel you have to tiptoe in the therapeutic relationship.

Good point, Lost. I would say though that T's response in this particular instance makes sense (or is 'in character') for one not versed into attachment, feelings, connection... or the more relational aspects of therapy.

Ts that aren't trained in these areas (and/or who don't resonate with these concepts) will feel threatened whenever clients bring stuff related to love, attachment, perceived client 'neediness' etc. That will freak them out.. Not every T is at ease nor can deal with these aspects of the T-C relationship.

So being seen as showing affection to a dog in front of a client? For me, it's in character for a T who wants to be more... clinical or rather 'detached' from the emotional side of the T-C connection. I am not saying it is 'right' but it seems T can't deliver on this because that is simply not how he operates.

[smileygal]

So in the discussion about the feelings yesterday, I said how I thought it was natural for relationships to become closer over time. And he said, "All relationships except therapeutic ones!" That's it can be bad if they get closer because they can become more friend-like and casual, and then it's not as helpful. How then it can become less one-way (as he said they're meant to me).

He's belief that if you become 'closer' that it will lead to more friend like and casual doesn't hold water. yes, it can do if he allows it to and isn't constantly keeping himself in check. (That's his responsibility btw not yours) but there is a difference between connecting and feeling closer to someone and becoming friend like...Boundaries can still be upheld whilst feeling closer to someone.

As people have already mentioned though it's just not in his capacity to really understand this I don't think.

Honestly on the outside looking in to me he looks like a T who has ALOT of blocks or fears around accessing and feeling certain emotions e.g vulnerability, love, etc which then manifests as all this avoidance and backtracking type behaviour and his clinical belief system that it is not 'good'
I could be very wrong in that though as of course I am not working with him nor do I know him.

[JaneTennison1]

My T is going 100% online now as a consequence of the pandemic and I dont do online therapy. It's absolutely awful.

[Mountaindewed]

I've said before that I had to say goodbye to my therapist in a virtual session because I was moving. It majorly sucked not saying goodbye in person because it felt like there was no closure between us. My current therapist is mostly remote but she does have a few in person clients and I'm one of them since I told her remote doesn't work for me. I feel like if the pandemic had to hit us at all it could have been like a year later so I'd have those in person sessions instead of 11 months of virtual and then no closure. Idk. It was just hard all around.