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East17
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Default Jan 18, 2023 at 05:09 PM
  #1
Does anyone know what the guidelines/ethics are (in the UK) around whether a T is allowed to contact a former client if they stopped working, but the client requested to be contacted if the T started working again. Would it be ethical for the T to initiate contact or would it be up to the client to make the first approach?

It’s the lady I was working with prior to the T who died. In her last email to me she said that she hadn't made a decision regarding reopening her business, but that if she did she would email me to let me know. That was 3 years ago. She has just started advertising again and I'm now tormenting myself wondering whether or not she will get in contact, but also thinking that if I don't hear from her, it might be because she doesn't want to work with me again but doesn't actually want to be upfront and tell me.

I am currently working with someone else, but it’s online and she lives quite a distance away. This other lady is local, and at least we already know each other; if she hadn’t stopped working I would have continued with her and probably never even met the subsequent two.

This has completely thrown me, as after all this time I wasn't expecting to ever have the chance to see her again. I almost wish I hadn't come across her advert, and now I don't know what to do.

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Default Jan 18, 2023 at 05:23 PM
  #2
I'm not in the UK. I had a similar sort of situation. My long term T got MS and quit working. So I stopped seeing her obviously. A couple of years later she started practicing again. (I saw that she was on Psychology Today.) I contacted her to see if she would work with me again. She said no. It broke my heart.

I hope that your former T will reach out to you. If she doesn't, and you choose to contact her, I hope that she will see you or give you really good reasons why she won't. HUG if wanted. Kit

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Default Jan 18, 2023 at 05:35 PM
  #3
Thanks Kit. It's exactly how bad it'd make me feel if I were to reach out to her and she said no that worries me.

I'm sorry you had that experience with your former T. I've generally gone on the premise of 'never look back.' But it just kind of felt like fate or something that I happened to be looking at therapy websites and saw her advert.

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Default Jan 18, 2023 at 06:43 PM
  #4
Oh wow, East, that would confuse my head and my heart I think. In answer to your question, no, I don't know what the ethics are, but personally I think that she should make contact, because she had said that she would. To me, that is the most ethical thing to do; to do what they say they will do, especially because you asked back at the time.

I'm not sure what I would do myselff, except to tie myself in knots!

Maybe time will give you an answer. If you can't live with the not knowing, maybe eventually you will decide to reach out, preferring to take the potential pain of knowing over the constant uncertainty of not. Or maybe you will decide that that period of your journey is in the past, and that that is where it should stay.

It sounds like a really difficult position to be in though, and I really feel for you.
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Default Jan 18, 2023 at 10:41 PM
  #5
I wish I could help, I'm not in the UK though so I don't know. Sounds like a difficult situation al theway aroudn though. i'm sorry.
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Default Jan 19, 2023 at 06:03 AM
  #6
I don't know what the policies are like there, but here, it could potentially be seen like a T is "chasing" a client, which isn't supposed to be done. Well, I know that would be the case if a client terminated and the T was trying to convince them to come back. This is different if she stopped practicing.

But with it having been a few years, she might not think to reach out to you, figuring you'd moved on and might not want to hear from her. If you're interested in working with her again, I'd trying reaching out.
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Default Jan 19, 2023 at 11:03 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
But with it having been a few years, she might not think to reach out to you, figuring you'd moved on and might not want to hear from her. If you're interested in working with her again, I'd trying reaching out.
This is what I was going to say. I don't know if it would be unethical or not (kind of doubt it, but who knows?) but she may not have kept a list of who wanted to be contacted or she may think it's been so long that you likely aren't interested anymore. Unfortunately, probably the only way to know is to ask.

If it's helpful, my therapist has said that for her "once a client, always a client," meaning that anybody who has been established with her can generally come back if they want/need to see her again later. She wasn't taking new clients when I reconnected with her after she started her private practice, but she still scheduled me right away.
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Default Jan 19, 2023 at 11:56 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by ElectricManatee View Post
This is what I was going to say. I don't know if it would be unethical or not (kind of doubt it, but who knows?) but she may not have kept a list of who wanted to be contacted or she may think it's been so long that you likely aren't interested anymore. Unfortunately, probably the only way to know is to ask.

If it's helpful, my therapist has said that for her "once a client, always a client," meaning that anybody who has been established with her can generally come back if they want/need to see her again later. She wasn't taking new clients when I reconnected with her after she started her private practice, but she still scheduled me right away.

Dr. T has said something similar and has said he's had a fair number of former clients come back (particularly during the pandemic). Before the rupture, ex-MC had also said that if we left, we could come back anytime if he was still practicing (no idea now, but that's very complicated, and I suspect at this point he might be willing to see us, as long as it wasn't just me).
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Default Jan 19, 2023 at 12:18 PM
  #9
Under theethical standards / code of ethics them reaching out to you would be considered as 'selling' their services and even chasing clients. They can be penalised for that.

If you want to work with her, I would contact her and ask
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Default Feb 08, 2023 at 06:20 PM
  #10
Ex-ex-T made contact today, after 3 years.

I missed her call as I was on a zoom meeting. But I really wasn't expecting it, and especially not by phone, it totally threw me seeing her name on the screen. I thought if she contacted me at all it would be by email. Whilst part of me hoped she'd get in touch, I don't think I really believed that she would. Now that she has, part of me is pleased she kept her word - and the other half wonders if it's because new business is slow... How messed up is that thinking?!

Now I don't know what to do. I just started another set of 6 sessions with current-T. I can't see them both, so I need to decide. Ex-ex-T doesn't charge as much, lives less than 3 miles away and saw me through 4 years of hell. Current-T charges more, lives nearly 30 miles away so we work online most of the time, and I've had mixed feelings about it for much of the time we've been working together.

Seems like a no-brainer. However....
Ex-ex-T did end our therapy relationship abruptly and without warning, via text message. That makes trusting her again kind of hard. Prior to that, she'd never given me any reason not to trust her.

Is it ever a good idea to go back? I know I won't know unless I decide to take the plunge and have at least one session with her, if only to see what it's like. To see if that gut feeling tells me something. I'm thinking if I don't, then I'll always be wondering. However, I would find it very difficult to finish with current-T, especially as we're nowhere near done and she'd think it rather strange if I just stopped sessions without any real reason. I'd also feel bad about treating her so shabbily. She doesn't deserve that.
Arghh!!!

Any words of wisdom, for either argument, would be more than welcome at the moment!

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Default Feb 08, 2023 at 06:29 PM
  #11
How about calling or emailing her and telling her exactly what you reservations are? Be straight with her. You aren't sure you can trust her considering how things ended so abruptly last time.

I, personally, would have no qualms about going back to my old therapists, BUT, they were entirely consistent. We ended on mutual and positive terms. They were all quite helpful in their own ways. So I don't have that bad ending issue you speak of.

If, after discussing that with her, you feel reassured about it, then perhaps a session or two (maybe alternate between the two therapists for a few weeks?) and get an idea if you feel like you could/should go back. Sometimes we think it's a good idea, but when we go back it doesn't feel right -- it feels stuck in the past. On the other hand, if it feels like you can continue good work with the old therapist, then it is up to you to decide. You'll have options.

As for as your current therapist goes, it isn't your job to worry about her. She'll be fine either way. I doubt you would be treating her "shabbily." You would just explain your decision and go with your best instinct.
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Default Feb 09, 2023 at 02:00 AM
  #12
If she ended via text message, but that was the only time she was hurtful, I would ask about it, and process it with her. Tbh it sounds to me like there are a great many reasons to go back to her, and I very much assume that if you explain the situation to your current T, also about the possibility to see ex ex T in person, I'm assuming she'll understand, because her interest ought to be to enable you to chose what is best for you

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Default Feb 09, 2023 at 08:03 AM
  #13
I don't think I would be able to trust a T who dumped me, abruptly, via text?! How unethical... She didn't even have the decency to have a conversation with me. That is very bad form.

A T has some ethical responsibility even with regards to termination and it seems it came as a shock to you. That is very telling. She showed no care or consideration towards her client's needs and/or feelings; it was all one-sided. I would not trust her to not dump me whenever she felt like it.
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Default Feb 09, 2023 at 08:52 AM
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I don't think I would be able to trust a T who dumped me, abruptly, via text?! How unethical... She didn't even have the decency to have a conversation with me. That is very bad form.

A T has some ethical responsibility even with regards to termination and it seems it came as a shock to you. That is very telling. She showed no care or consideration towards her client's needs and/or feelings; it was all one-sided. I would not trust her to not dump me whenever she felt like it.

I would also have issues with this and concerns about returning because of it. I think at least you'd need to talk to her about it and get some explanation of what happened and reassurance that it wouldn't happen again.

I wonder if you could meet with ex-T for one session to talk about this, then see how you feel? And not make any decisions until then. If it's feasible financially for you, maybe still see your regular T that week as well.
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Default Feb 09, 2023 at 09:18 AM
  #15
Just to echo what Rive and LT have said, the ending via text is hugely problematic. As someone whose therapist ended in a similar way (although we had a variety of other issues too), I would not work with someone who had shown me such disregard and lacked understanding about professional standards. Ending in such a way is harmful.

You say it's a no-brainer to go back to her and other posters have said it makes sense so maybe I missing something, but it's not clear to me what draws you back. You mention some practical considerations, but beyond that, what does work with her offer you?
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Default Feb 09, 2023 at 12:12 PM
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Hmm, I guess Rive and LT have a point. Maybe I still need to learn to keep my own boundaries, as on second thought, that does seem unethical, doesn't it?

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Default Feb 09, 2023 at 12:16 PM
  #17
When ex-T abandoned me, I still had hope she would take me back. I finally realized I could never trust her again. Also, in the beginning, I thought I could get closure from her. I realized again that I could never trust her words. She always told me actions speak louder than words, and her actions were screaming at me. I'm now happy she didn't take me back. I don't want someone like her in my life.

Are you looking for closure? That would be different than seeking her for treatment. Could you ever trust her words or actions again? My guess is you'll probably constantly fear being terminated.

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Default Feb 09, 2023 at 02:08 PM
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I would also have issues with this and concerns about returning because of it. I think at least you'd need to talk to her about it and get some explanation of what happened and reassurance that it wouldn't happen again.

I wonder if you could meet with ex-T for one session to talk about this, then see how you feel? And not make any decisions until then. If it's feasible financially for you, maybe still see your regular T that week as well.

I agree entirely. ^^^ This is also my suggestion.

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Default Feb 10, 2023 at 05:32 PM
  #19
Thanks to everyone who has responded, you have given me plenty to think about.

What do I feel I can get from working with her again? Maybe the opportunity to process ex-Ts death properly; something I'm finding impossible to do with current T. It's like the elephant in the room, and I already have far too many of those. Secondly, the fact that she is the T who I worked with for the longest time and knows me really well. Also I suppose I feel like there's unfinished business between us, and maybe getting some explanation / clarification would be a good outcome.

The idea of alternating between the two for a couple of weeks might be a possibility. Or perhaps just knowing that she kept her word about contacting me after all this time is enough, I don't know.

I do agree that worrying about being dumped again could be a huge limiting factor as to whether I could really ever trust her though. Maybe I'll only use her services to deal with the bereavement stuff and see where we go from there.

I know current T won't agree to me working with anyone else simultaneously; so I suppose I could say I'm taking a break just to deal with the bereavement issue, then that leaves the door open with her if I wanted to go back.

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Default Feb 11, 2023 at 05:33 PM
  #20
That sounds like a smart plan. Not burning bridges is, I think, important. In other words, check out both situations, see how each one feels, then choose.

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