I'm having a hard time finding a therapist who is a good fit

I'd been seeing a therapist in a clinic on and off for 5 years. She was not perfect. But we had a good rapport and I was comfortable with her. Last spring, her clinic closed due to financial issues. She went to another clinic as a therapist's supervisor so it's not possible to continue seeing her. I also decided I didn't want to do clinics anymore.

There were some good things about her clinic closing and our relationship ending, too. I think I was at a bit of a standstill and I've taken some healthy risks and grown my confidence a little since then.

Since leaving, I've been looking for a therapist who is a good fit. I know I'm not going to find someone "like her." But I also don't want to settle. I've done that before and I am done with that.

I've seen about 5 therapists. First one was completely wrong for me and I only saw her a few times. Second one I thought would be a good fit, but I felt pathologized by her and bad about myself with her. I couldn't explain it. I left.

3rd one I saw for about 2 months. I liked her. She helped me with relationship type things with my bf. But there wasn't much connection with her and she tried to diagnose me when I was just telling her I didn't feel connection with my classmates and I was sad about it. A diagnosis / label wasn't what I was looking for and it really hurt me. I told her this at a later date and she didn't get it.

4th one was just 1 appt on better help dot com. The connection was bad and kept dropping us and I wish I'd gotten my money back.

5th one is the one I'm with now. I'm paying out of pocket and it doesn't feel worth it. It's 135$ per session. It's just been ok. Third session, she asked me all about something I truthfully wasn't comfortable talking about. 4th session, I told her it's not something I want to talk about. She said "I only asked you about it bc you brought it up." It just seemed defensive. Regardless of whether I brought it up. And it put me off.

I do think seeing a therapist would be helpful. It's helpful to get a reality check and bounce my thoughts off off someone and process things. I'm going to start working soon. It would be good to have a t to support me in that.

But I'm also...I'm wondering if it would be good to take a break. I took a break before, last year. It went well. Also I don't want to go through another painful intake about my past. It's exhausting. At this point. Maybe in a year or so.

How do you find a good t? It is me? Am I too picky and sensitive?

I agree that it can be difficult to find a good fit. However, I'd suggest maybe giving the current one a few more sessions. It honestly does make sense to me that she'd ask about something if you brought it up. Though I see how it could feel defensive. I feel it can take more than a few sessions before you really start to understand each other and things start to flow more.


Could you try going in next session and telling her what you feel you need from her? And if she thinks she can give that? Not necessarily like "here are my goals", but "I need someone to let me take the lead" or "someone to give support rather than advice" or "someone who asks questions" (or who doesn't ask questions). Or whatever seems to fit what you're looking for.

Thanks for your response.

Yeah its probably good to stick with her a little while longer.

She's just expensive and it's a lot for me right now with no job right now. We talked the whole session, that time, it was just her asking me Q's about the thing that I didn't want to talk about. It felt like a waste of a session. I understand I needed to speak up though. But, I did, the next session, and she was defensive sounding. I almost don't want to bring anything else up. Maybe she will be defensive again.

Also I was really struggling recently. Not in crisis. But I needed to talk something out. I emailed her as well as called and left a VM. She was out of town. When she got back on that Thursday, she didn't have any openings, which is understandable. But when she emailed me back telling me this it sounded pretty lackadaisical and unsympathetic.

If I bring this stuff up to her, will I sound like I'm knit picking? I mean I'm thinking of leaving due to this. I guess if she doesn't take me seriously or gets defensive again I will leave then.

Follow up: there's good things about her too. Even though I'm not gaga for her, I think she is helpful.

I reread her email and it sounds okay. She sounds nice. And since it wasn't a crisis, I think she said the right things.

I'm not even sure I should address the defensiveness thing since she said a bunch of stuff after that that I was more satisfied with. It does bother me. But I'm not sure about saying something or not. I'll have to see how I feel.

I would encourage you to bring up her defensiveness, as it brought you to the brink of ending therapy with her. It seems important to you, and if she is to have a chance to prove to you that she can be compatible with you, it seems the feedback may be necessary.