Session with L today

I'm really struggling and I don't know what I want from writing this. I'd like empathy, but I don't feel I deserve it.

Today was a hard exhausting day in session. I wrote up the most horrible things that exist in my mind. L was extremely supportive, caring, and reassuring. And that bothers me. I want her to feel disgusted with me. I want her to punish me. I don't deserve her empathy, kindness, and love. She says my thoughts won't stick in her mind. They won't hurt her or taint her. That's a good thing...if I could believe her.

Now it's nighttime and I'm triggered. I want to SH. Of course she's not there. She's probably asleep. I can't believe I wrote out everything and let her read it. I used words that I wouldn't dare to use before. I was detailed and transparent. I put it all out there. I don't know if I regret it or not. I'm a mix between numb, scared, overwhelmed, and upset.

L says she can help me. I don't know if I believe her. It feels impossible.

I guess I wonder if therapy has helped anyone with their thoughts? I kind of feel like it's ingrained in me, like it's now a part of me. I don't want it to be. If L can really help me... I would be forever grateful. But I'm just not sure.