[Omers]

The first session you just kept telling me you weren't ever going to hurt me.
I needed you too much to think you were a liar so I thought you were naive.

You asked me not to run if anything ever happened and I felt hurt. You asked me to come talk to you.
I knew I wasn't strong enough to run no matter how badly you hurt me.

The second session you changed everything, you asked me to walk to the other side of the office.
I was caught off guard and got so scared.

You told me about the emotions: sad, mad, scared, happy. You asked me to pick what I was feeling.
I froze. Hard core froze.

You asked me to rate my anxiety from 0 to 10. You asked again for me to tell you where my anxiety was from 0, no anxiety at all to 10...
I interrupted you. "Likert type scale".
You smiled, I was coming back to the room
You gave me plenty of space and smiled gently.

For weeks you asked me to breathe. You kept your hands low. Never got between me and the door. gave me a lot of space. never moved unexpectantly. You just kept asking me to breathe.
I thought I was OK. I liked you. I felt safe with you. I was so very confused.

You asked me to pick things to represent the safe, protective things in my life. you put them in a circle around me. You put up a circle to protect me and you stayed outside.
I was so confused.

Week after week you stayed clear of the edges of the circle.
Week after week I asked you to come into the circle. I was so confused. I asked why, why you wouldn't come into the circle.
I didn't understand that I was scared. I didn't make the connection between picking the scared emotion every week and you drawing a protective circle around me.

You started to sit closer.
I started to feel safer
The circle faded away and I never noticed.

Month after month just to get me to breathe.

You listened to an audiobook while painting the house with your wife.
It reminded you of me.
I read the book and I saw her survive
you read the book and you saw her fear

Was it really that bad? am I really that hurt?
everything seemed normal to me

Now I see normal and I get scared.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know how to function in normal

I am so lost and confused.
Is this why new T doesn't understand?
Was it really that severe?

You took 4 years to show me safe. to teach me safe. to help me feel safe.
Yeh, we did other things too but it was all about safe.
You knew if I ran from therapy you could never help.
safe
safe had to come before all else.
safe

[Yaowen]

What a wonderful therapist. And what a wonderful post. I am learning a lot from it. Thanks so much for sharing!

[East17]

Awesome T was a rare animal indeed. He took the time and trouble to make sure you felt safe, week after week; before you even could think about trusting him. How many Ts make the effort to do that? Not many.

It is understandable that you view new T with suspicion and why you feel so lost and confused. He doesn't have the experience and wisdom of Awesome T (yet).

I think you are very brave embarking on this continued journey with a T who has far less knowledge and experience than Awesome T. It doesn't seem right somehow, that he should be learning from you, while you are paying him for his expertise. But I admire your courage for doing it.

[Waterbear]

Oh Omers. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing. This was how it was for my and my awesome T, too, and now with this new T she just doesn't get how scared I am of her.

Please may I ask you a question? You don't have to answer. You did such great work with your Awesome T, and he helped you to feel safe, with him. Did it help you to feel safe with others, too?