Couch 242: madam i'm adam

NP_Complete · Mar 19, 2023 at 10:03 AM

I didn't message her. The DNA match I got was for a cousin. I had to build an extensive family tree of that person before I could find the details that lined up with the info I had on my birth family, which was basically just ages and genders of bm, her parents and her siblings. So the bm and half-sisters are not DNA matches. You'd think a new first cousin DNA match would arouse some curiosity though, assuming that person saw it.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 19, 2023 at 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I didn't message her. The DNA match I got was for a cousin. I had to build an extensive family tree of that person before I could find the details that lined up with the info I had on my birth family, which was basically just ages and genders of bm, her parents and her siblings. So the bm and half-sisters are not DNA matches. You'd think a new first cousin DNA match would arouse some curiosity though, assuming that person saw it.

Could you reach out to the cousin maybe? Depending on what program you're using, I think there's a way to message someone within it (you can with 23andme, I believe).

LonesomeTonight · Mar 19, 2023 at 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Please can someone remind me that it's not my responsibility to save the world?

I just received an email about the latest episode of a podcast I've recently started listening to.

Possible trigger:

Right now is not the time for me to listen to a podcast about suicidal ideation and suicide prevention. I think it's actually rather ****** of the podcast host to frame it as 'required listening for every human being'.

Ugh, I'm sorry, Lost. I'd think maybe it's required listening for people who don't think they have a chance of being touched by it, but certainly not for those who have been affected by it. Hugs, if wanted.

And it's not your responsibility to change the world. Were you considering contacting the host about it being inappropriate to send a message like that? Or were you more wondering whether you need to listen to it?

LostOnTheTrail · Mar 19, 2023 at 01:24 PM

I didn't want to engage with it, but I am amazed at the insensitivity of it. I don't feel like I have the reserves as I am right now to voice my concerns.

It touched a nerve, and I am in a raw place at the moment.

Thanks so much for the hugs.

NP_Complete · 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Could you reach out to the cousin maybe? Depending on what program you're using, I think there's a way to message someone within it (you can with 23andme, I believe).

Yes, I can do that, but I'm not sure if I want to do that as it will open a whole other can of worms I don't think I'm emotionally prepared for at this time. I haven't even told my mother about any of this yet. I was drinking last night and feeling tempted to contact these people anyway. Thankfully I resisted that urge.

stopdog · Mar 19, 2023 at 03:15 PM

The weather is nuts - 60s last week and now it doesn't get above freezing and march is still like a lion not a lamb. I hate walking the dogs in windy cold - I am okay with just cold -but wind and cold is unhappy walking for me.

comrademoomoo · Mar 19, 2023 at 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

I didn't want to engage with it, but I am amazed at the insensitivity of it. I don't feel like I have the reserves as I am right now to voice my concerns.

It touched a nerve, and I am in a raw place at the moment.

Thanks so much for the hugs.

This is the commercialisation of emotional and mental health. Everything sensationalised, all sentiments for sale. Concepts and discussions which are actually pretty straightforward and repetitious are advertised as groundbreaking, essential, game changing, and on and on. It's melodrama.

Reminders of trauma, especially very recent ones or ones with which we were intimately involved, are horrible. And unavoidable. I have found some ways of dealing with my distress when I bump into triggers about CSA, but I still have some way to go with flashbacks etc. Hermitville is appealing. Do you have ways of managing your triggers with podcasts etc and with seeing the words you don't like?

LostOnTheTrail · Mar 19, 2023 at 05:18 PM

Thanks, Comrade.

I certainly have ways, this was just a landmine in a context that I really wasn't expecting.

At present I am recovering from having had COVID, and therefore not in the best state of mind to deal with such things rationally or reasonably.

I'm well aware they're just words on a page or a screen, but in this specific context...it was maddening.

comrademoomoo · Mar 19, 2023 at 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Thanks, Comrade.

I certainly have ways, this was just a landmine in a context that I really wasn't expecting.

At present I am recovering from having had COVID, and therefore not in the best state of mind to deal with such things rationally or reasonably.

I'm well aware they're just words on a page or a screen, but in this specific context...it was maddening.

I wasn't dismissing them as "just" words. You are clearly very affected by them, they (and the associated feelings) are significant for you.

The unexpected nature of these things can be a real gut lurch. I think rational and reasonable are very over rated ideas. Let this $hit out, it doesn't matter if it's messy and ugly. All the more reason to let it out. What has happened to you must be excruciating otherwise the words would indeed just be words. But, for you, they aren't.

LostOnTheTrail · Mar 19, 2023 at 05:37 PM

Thank you for clarifying.

I would be grateful to be able to articulate the messiness and ugliness of this experience.

Strangely, it's moments like this that remind me of how much I need to but can't.

Possible trigger:

I truly understand that my friend's choice was not personal, but that doesn't stop this experience feeling like being skinned.

As someone who is a writer, and someone who teaches writing...I have particular ideas about how this needs to come out...and it's not obeying those rules.

When has there ever been logic to grief?

comrademoomoo · Mar 19, 2023 at 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Thank you for clarifying.

I would be grateful to be able to articulate the messiness and ugliness of this experience.

Strangely, it's moments like this that remind me of how much I need to but can't.

Possible trigger:

I truly understand that my friend's choice was not personal, but that doesn't stop this experience feeling like being skinned.

As someone who is a writer, and someone who teaches writing...I have particular ideas about how this needs to come out...and it's not obeying those rules.

When has there ever been logic to grief?

Trauma doesn't fit into words. It all sounds raw and early for you. Do you shout and yowl and groan and screech? Noise, not words. Something prehistoric. A lot of the time, I am too controlled to access these ways of expressing. However, when I do, it really brings out a new energy and new way forward, even for a limited time before I revert to something more linear.

Also, I don't want to faux-therapise, but could there be something else other than grief going on for you? It was noticeable that you thought I was saying they were just words when I was describing trauma. Could that be a projection, something like you feeling that you are making a big deal out of nothing? Believing normative ideas that you should move on, that you don't deserve to feel, or something? Beating yourself up.

comrademoomoo · Mar 19, 2023 at 06:08 PM

You don't have to answer my questions obviously, it just struck me as a something noteworthy.

LostOnTheTrail · Mar 19, 2023 at 06:08 PM

Exactly.

There's a shame component to my grief this time around, but that realisation isn't even a week old yet.
I intend to explore it further with R on Thursday.

'Big deal out of nothing' sums it up well.

FooZe · Mar 20, 2023 at 02:17 AM

The new Couch is here: Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,711 5	Mar 19, 2023 at 06:08 PM #992 You don't have to answer my questions obviously, it just struck me as a something noteworthy.

FooZe Administrator Community Support Team Member Since Apr 2009 Location: west coast, USA Posts: 26,005 (SuperPoster!) 14 5,090 hugs given	Mar 20, 2023 at 02:17 AM #994 The new Couch is here: Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral