Cried at work today

I have a personal rule that I will never cry in front of anyone at work but I broke that rule today and I feel like I am falling apart.

Basically, my T is on maternity leave (for the second time) and about 2 weeks ago I found out she is extending that leave for another 6 months (12 months in total). This has devastated me and is complicated by the fact that I have a lot of abandonment trauma. I emailed T clarifying the parameters around her leave as it was not what we had discussed and I got a reply from her today. Her reply and previous email were extremely cold and different to how she normally speaks to me which has just sent me spiralling further.

I had been keeping it together at work for the past two weeks but today I just broke. The director commented that it seemed like I had been struggling today as I had not made a lot of progress on my task for that day. I just felt so bad because I felt like I had disappointed him. I said I was sorry and that I have some stuff going on in my personal life so I really haven’t been myself but it was so embarrassing and unprofessional. I tried my best to quickly suck it up and I stayed back an hour and a half to finish my work but I am worried the Director is going to tell my boss and my boss is an asshole who will definitely use this against me.

The worst part is I can’t talk to anyone about what is going on because it’s not something most people would understand. It’s not like a death (even though it feels like one) which most people would easily understand could make someone emotional. I honestly don’t know how I am going to carry on like this. I haven’t been sleeping or eating properly for the past two weeks and the situation with T is not getting any better. I have a new T now but I’m not seeing her until Saturday. I don’t know what to do.