Cried at work today

I have a personal rule that I will never cry in front of anyone at work but I broke that rule today and I feel like I am falling apart.

Basically, my T is on maternity leave (for the second time) and about 2 weeks ago I found out she is extending that leave for another 6 months (12 months in total). This has devastated me and is complicated by the fact that I have a lot of abandonment trauma. I emailed T clarifying the parameters around her leave as it was not what we had discussed and I got a reply from her today. Her reply and previous email were extremely cold and different to how she normally speaks to me which has just sent me spiralling further.

I had been keeping it together at work for the past two weeks but today I just broke. The director commented that it seemed like I had been struggling today as I had not made a lot of progress on my task for that day. I just felt so bad because I felt like I had disappointed him. I said I was sorry and that I have some stuff going on in my personal life so I really haven’t been myself but it was so embarrassing and unprofessional. I tried my best to quickly suck it up and I stayed back an hour and a half to finish my work but I am worried the Director is going to tell my boss and my boss is an asshole who will definitely use this against me.

The worst part is I can’t talk to anyone about what is going on because it’s not something most people would understand. It’s not like a death (even though it feels like one) which most people would easily understand could make someone emotional. I honestly don’t know how I am going to carry on like this. I haven’t been sleeping or eating properly for the past two weeks and the situation with T is not getting any better. I have a new T now but I’m not seeing her until Saturday. I don’t know what to do.

I feel you, and I’m sorry ❤️❤️
I agree it’s not something that can be discussed as most people won’t understand. I am falling apart myself for somewhat similar reasons and these forums are the only way I can get any of it out. It’s ok to admit to those in work that you are having a difficult time without going into details.
The coldness is not ok. I wish Ts could just be a bit more sensitive. The idea that they are happy enough to make a living out of our brokenness but can also turn so cold because that brokenness is very difficult.. I’m sorry you are going through this ❤️

I've cried at work before, too, and had similar fears, but it always turned out OK. I agree that it's difficult to explain the T relationship to someone who doesn't get it. Could you maybe say something like, "Someone I'm close to is away for a long time, and I'm used to their support/talking to them/seeing them regularly"? Or something to that effect? Then they might just think it's a friend or relative.

Or you could say "I'm dealing with a personal loss" without saying it's a death--it is a loss of sorts, so you're not lying. If they ask for details, just say you'd rather not go into it.

Is it at all possible to take a day or two off work? Or even a half-day?

And are you currently seeing another T? If not, could you find one just to see until yours returns? I'm really sorry she took more time off--another 6 months is a lot. I'd really struggle with that as well. Her being cold likely has nothing to do with you--she might be feeling conflicted and a bit guilty about the decision in terms of her clients, so it's coming out that way. Or she might just be really tired or something.

I'm so sorry the news about your Ts extended leave has left you feeling so broken. I absolutely empathise with this, although my Ts extended absence wasn't pregnancy related. But I do know how abandoned a decision like this can make you feel.

Perhaps speaking to another therapist as LT has already suggested may help you to work through the loss, or alternatively, do you have anything such as an Employment Assistance Program (EAP) at your workplace? That may be another source of support.

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Oh, I empathize. I hate crying at work. I've done it a few times in my career. Usually when I get really frustrated, because I don't cry very easily.

I am glad you have a new T to see on Saturday. I hope that this will be helpful to you. I can't imagine how hard this is to go without your T for so long. And then to have a not very comforting response. HUGS if wanted. Kit

I'm so sorry. I can empathize too, I hate crying at work as well even though I cry very easily and it happens more often than I'd like (I talk to angry people on the phone). Usually I can get it under control pretty quickly, but not always. Last month I was not handling a few stressful things very well at all and one day near the end of the month I made a huge mistake at work and had to call my boss and tell her/get help to fix it (I work at home) and I totally started full-on sobbing. She had to conference in my Lead to help calm me down. We're not allowed to take vacation in January (mandatory overtime) but they got a mental health day approved for me anyway. I suppose sometimes anyway crying at work can have a good outcome....

I hope the new T is helpful on Saturday.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I have been seeing a new T since December last year as I was already really struggling with T's leave. I like her but I have been very ambivalent about our work together as initially I was unsure as to how long I would be seeing her and what that meant in terms of my goals for therapy. Now that I know T is not returning until next year and she seems to not care about me anymore, I have decided I will not be going back to her. Ideally I would like to be able to talk to T about this and gain some closure but she is not offering any sessions at all until next year. Prior to her leave, she had said she would keep me updated, encouraged me to send her life updates and when I told her the uncertainty surrounding her leave was causing me anxiety, she promised me that regardless of what I decided to do (i.e. see a new T) we would be able to speak again even if it were just a phone call. None of that has happened and T has not acknowledged this at all. The email that sent me spiralling on Monday is below, followed by my reply:

Hi retro_chic,

At this stage I won’t have any available sessions (either in person or face to face) until January next year. I can let you know if this changes if you like but I’m unable to offer any certainty at this point in time. We are able to do a final session if that is what you want but it won’t be until I return from maternity leave next year.

Kind regards,
T

Hi T,

I understand you’re not able to offer any sessions until next year but I was really hoping for some kind words or at the very least some acknowledgment that there has been a change in plans since our last session.

The last few months have been extremely difficult for me and I think you know me well enough now to be aware of that. These recent emails have made it even harder as the tone has seemed very cold and it has left me wondering if I have done something wrong.

I left our last session under the assumption that it wouldn’t be the last time we would meet, as you had assured me it wouldn’t be. Consequently I left without saying a lot of the things I would normally say in a final session, mainly expressing my gratitude towards you and our time together. Unfortunately those feelings have been muddied by our recent interactions and it saddens me deeply that this is how our journey has to ended.

Given the length of time I have been seeing you and the complexity of my feelings about the current situation, I don’t feel that a single termination session is sufficient and I feel hurt and disappointed that that is how you choose to honour our work together.

Normally I would prefer not to express these sorts of things via email but it has been affecting me to such an extent that I feel I have no other option. I am also conscious of the fact that what is going on probably hasn’t got anything to do with me nor is it any of my business but I sincerely hope you’re okay.

I hope to hear from you soon,
retro_chic

I haven't got a reply yet and I am worried sick about what she might say. If she doesn't offer some sort of kindness or compassion I don't know if i can handle it. I had been seeing her for almost 4 years and I can't believe this is how she has chosen to end things. It makes me question everything and wonder if she ever cared at all. Speaking to my new T about this helps a little but she can't answer all the questions I have for my (now previous). T.

Well done, that is such a good and well written response, I have to say!! I hope she gives you the reply you deserve, it’s not much to ask for really, is it ? ❤️❤️

Thank you. I don't think it is much to ask and the fact that I have to practically beg for a shred of compassion is just adding insult to injury. The only thing I can think of is that something horrible happened like the baby died or something like that but I don't know if I am just over reacting. Last time T went on maternity leave she emailed me about 2 months into the leave to let me know she had the baby, it was a boy and they were both doing well. This time there has been none of that so I can only assume the worst. I feel bad emailing her if this is the case but it is up to her to set those boundaries and she has given me nothing to go by.

I think this is a cruel position to be in. I am experiencing something similar with the ending of my long term therapy. I feel alone with the weight of the pain, but I do have people and places where I can speak about it and it is understood. My best friend, my new therapist, to some extent this forum, to some extent my partner. It helps to have people who understand the significance of losing her, but it is still a solitary experience. I would not attempt to share my pain in places such as work. Can you find places or people where you can be heard in a good enough way?

I think it is worth bearing in mind that this is not just the pain of losing her, it is also a more core pain about earlier abandonments. Maybe there is worth in using this recent abandonment as a prism to look through to access the core wound? I have done some work in this way and it has helped. It also fits with current therapy and a new therapist, depending on whether you feel safe enough with them thus far.

And I think your correspondence with her was honest and solid. You sound true to yourself which is important. Whatever is going on for her is hers, you can't manoeuvre around it. If she is struggling and can't communicate effectively with her clients, she should put other measures in place as she still has a responsibility towards you until the work has finally finished.

I definitely understand your reaction to her email. It does sound cold and distant.

So maybe you're right that something else possibly happened? (Especially if she told you about the birth the last time.) Hopefully nothing as awful as her baby dying, but it's possible that he/she has some sort of condition that would require extra medical care, surgeries, something like that? Or maybe, I don't know, *she* had some complications during the delivery that would take time to recover from? Or it could be something less drastic, like she had a childcare situation lined up, so that she could go back to work (like with a relative), and that fell through.

I think your email response sounded good and from the heart. I agree that after 4 years, she owes you more than the email she sent. Even if she could offer up a phone call, maybe not now, but certainly sometime before January. Like, "I'm not able to do a call right now, but possibly we could do a call or virtual session sometime in the more near future." Or if something is going on but she doesn't want to disclose what exactly, to say something clarifying that this has nothing to do with you, that it's personal, that she's sorry she can't say more, but she'll be OK (or even ending it after "This has nothing to do with you"). And that she feels really bad about ending this way.

I hope she sends some sort of response soon that makes you feel better about her and the relationship. And I hope the new T can be helpful in processing this (or, if not, that you can find another one who is).

retro_chic, I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be hurt by the response you got from your T. It does sound cold. And it doesn't sound caring or empathetic of you and how changes in her life have affected you. I hope you can process some of this with your new T. Maybe it will give you a platform to move forward. I wish I had some words of wisdom to say or something to help. I hear you. And I am very sorry you are going through this pain. Sending you hugs if you would like, Kit

Still haven’t received a reply to the email I sent on Monday. I can only hope T is using this time to formulate an appropriate response.

Also, just an FYI, the “ask a therapist” sub on reddit is an absolute cesspool. Avoid at all costs.

I'm sorry you haven't heard back. I hope you'll hear back soon.


If you're looking to ask therapists about something, I'd suggest Quora for more, well, rational therapists! (I haven't looked at that subreddit in a while, but I recall it being a bit of a cesspool when I did look!)

Wow, that's hard. Maybe T hasn't looked at her email? Just a thought. It sucks waiting for emails or texts from T's. Like I know they have other clients, and a life, but when something is important to us, it's natural to have trouble waiting--at least for me.

I really hope that your T comes back with a well thought out answer and is compassionate and caring in her response. I find it difficult to believe that she wouldn't think that taking another 6 months off wouldn't be difficult or even traumatic for some clients.

Sending you hugs if you would like. HUGS Kit

Her email does sound chilly. Honestly, it sounds like she's had some news that is concerning her or...who knows, maybe she's in conflict about taking the extra time off (could be an issue with her partner, etc.). I just have the feeling, reading her email, that her mind is very distracted. But whatever the case, she chose her career and she certainly could have been warmer to you. I can easily understand why you feel terrible about it. Your reply, in my opinion, is excellent.

The good news is that it's almost Saturday. I hope you can do good work with your new t.

I agree that something must going on in My T’s life but if she is not able to reply to emails appropriately she needs to sort that out. All she has to say is she is taking some time off away from emails and will reply at a later date and give an estimated time frame.

She literally told me to email her life updates while she was on leave because she’d “love to hear them”. Clearly that was a lie along with everything by else she has said over the past 4 years. Honestly I am so done with her. I have very low expectations for her next email, if I even get one. She is quite possibly the worst T I have had.

It does sound as though your T has got other stuff going on in her life, which is distracting her from her client work, but that doesn't help you, and I'm sorry you are going through this. It's miserable waiting for an email response, and not to have had a response some 4 days after you sent yours is poor; it doesn't take a moment to send an email or text to clarify that she can't be in contact right now and that she will be in touch as soon as possible.

Unfortunately though, you may have to face the fact that ex-T has had to prioritise whatever is going on in her personal life at the expense of keeping in touch with her clients.

Is this something you could process with your new T? I know she can't provide answers, only ex-T can do that. But it might help just to talk it through with someone who will empathise and not judge you for how devastated ex-Ts loss has made you feel.

I hope you can get some resolution soon.

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She’s still not replied and it’s been over a week. Not sure if I should follow up or just forget about her forever.