My breakup with ex T

I hope your new T can help you much better than your old T. Of course you can, are, and again and again will be loved by other people. You are a lovely person, and you deserve to be loved just the way you are.

Good luck with your session tomorrow, dear lovable Kit!

Hi Kit, I'm kinda with Una on this. I don't believe ex-t was being intentionally emotionally manipulative. She sounds like a sensitive person, and a caring person. Someone who would be lovely to have for a friend. Yet, her boundaries truly are odd...she seems to me to be a needy person. It's quite possible that she unconsciously wants to (and sometimes does) get her own unhealed emotional needs met by (formerly) you and perhaps other sensitive, caretaking clients. I truly understand the "ouches" - I feel them, too, from her words. Despite what she says, however, she conveys a feeling of needing enmeshment. Poor lady...I have this feeling of wanting to tell her that she is a good soul, but to please, please get some therapy.

Attachment can suck sometimes. I thought I'd never find someone better than ex-T. Even after I started seeing T, I didn't think I'd attach to her. I actually told her I hated her at one point. But, over time, I did attach to her, and our relationship was/is healthy. Then I found L. I have never felt so nurtured and loved. Both T and L have taught me what healthy love looks like, and that not everyone will abandon you. That's all to say, no, she's not the only one who loves you. All of us here love you. Your family loves you. And you will find more people to love you too! Her saying that no one will love you more speaks to her insecurities, not to the quality of person you are.

One other thing that might help (it's helped me). Respect is greater than care, and care is greater than love. Love feels great, but it can be unhealthy, even abusive. Respect is utmost important. And next is care: to care about you, your wants and needs, your boundaries, your well-being.

I think your T loved you in her own way. But from what you've said, she didn't seem to respect you or care for you. You were caring for her most of the time.

I'm sorry you had to experience this.

It hurts so much to find out our therapist is using us to do whatever for themself.

The issue is not about a therapist being intentionally manipulative but *as a therapist* not even considering (for someone who supposedly loves Kit *so much*) the impact of her words or actions on another, or how damaging these can be for a client. How ethical is that?!

That woman is supposed to be a professional at the service of another (a THERAPIST) - not trying to keep people close by saying that no one will ever love them as much as she does. How messed up is that?! She was not even honest. She realised she was limited in her ability to help vs. she was educating herself to help Kit vs. she was thinking of referring SK out... Well, which is it? She cannot even be consistent.

Frankly, I wonder if she would even be a 'good friend'. She always seems to take on this helpless, victim, role and people around her have to come to her rescue (pay for her Zoom, send her books, check up on her mental and/or physical condition, send her links to sessions, educate her). Even here, it was all about her - her love, her pain, her efforts to make this work and guilt-tripping the other (her CLIENT) for abandoning her. No awareness as to her impact on another.

What kind of 'friend' (let alone therapist) does that make? This is messed up. That woman needs a therapist herself or a relationship where she is taken care of by another.

Absolutely magnificent reporting! Thank you!!

Thank you Rive. For the validation. I'm going to talk to new T about it and read her what ex-T wrote because I feel like I am in a huge mind **** and I cannot figure out top from bottom. I need someone to help me sort it in a professional way. HUGS Kit

God bless you, dear Kit!

I thought it was a very sweet and heartfelt message. And I agree that by moving on you made a choice that was best for you which is something to be proud of.

Please let us know what new t says about what ex-t wrote to you, Kit. I feel just about as confused as you do. I'm not getting the super-strong bad feelings about ex-t that most others here do, but I am also a caretaking type of person. So yeah...I'm feeling unsure, too. I'm so sorry...I don't envy your position

Thanks *Beth*

New T said that it sounded like ex-T was trying to process the ending of our relationship while she wrote the text to me which is why it was so up and down. She said some of it was unprofessional and perhaps inappropriate. She said she could understand why I said ouch when I did. And I gave her a little more context about my caretaking of my therapist, like when she cancelled my session and then sent me a text of her drinking in a bar in Vegas, or when she sent me a text and she was all beat up looking, like it look like someone beat the crap out of her, but she said that she fell. It's hard to not caretake to someone like that. And I said that when I first started seeing her it was after IOP and to have that care and love and to be held after losing like 5 session a week was really helpful but the longer things went on the more bizarre they became and I could no longer make heads or tails of it. New T said that it was good that I realized that although she might have been a good T for me at one time, she was no longer a good T for me now. We weren't working on anything. We weren't making progress. I didn't feel understood. What the hell was I paying her for? It wasn't like I had an AHA moment after talking to new T about it. But I don't feel crazy. I feel like maybe any normalish person might have had some ouch moments in reading that text. Not that I felt like ouch for the whole thing but just parts of it. And I was glad that new T didn't bash old T because I do love old T. She is just not good for me right now in my journey.

HUGS Kit

I'm so proud of you Kit for doing what was right for you. I admire your strength and determination to get the care you need and deserve. You inspire me.

I second this!

I like new T so far!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty Thanks *Beth* New T said that it sounded like ex-T was trying to process the ending of our relationship while she wrote the text to me which is why it was so up and down. She said some of it was unprofessional and perhaps inappropriate. She said she could understand why I said ouch when I did. And I gave her a little more context about my caretaking of my therapist, like when she cancelled my session and then sent me a text of her drinking in a bar in Vegas, or when she sent me a text and she was all beat up looking, like it look like someone beat the crap out of her, but she said that she fell. It's hard to not caretake to someone like that. And I said that when I first started seeing her it was after IOP and to have that care and love and to be held after losing like 5 session a week was really helpful but the longer things went on the more bizarre they became and I could no longer make heads or tails of it. New T said that it was good that I realized that although she might have been a good T for me at one time, she was no longer a good T for me now. We weren't working on anything. We weren't making progress. I didn't feel understood. What the hell was I paying her for? It wasn't like I had an AHA moment after talking to new T about it. But I don't feel crazy. I feel like maybe any normalish person might have had some ouch moments in reading that text. Not that I felt like ouch for the whole thing but just parts of it. And I was glad that new T didn't bash old T because I do love old T. She is just not good for me right now in my journey. HUGS Kit

Thank you for sharing that, Kit. Yikes!- to the Vegas thing . And now I remember when she sent you the "beat up" text - yes, that was odd. I definitely agree that she was probably processing as she was writing. And I am also glad that new t didn't bash old t; that would have been very upsetting for me if I was in your place.

It sounds like new t (and you!) handled it all really well. I hope your therapy work goes very well with new t.

Thank you everyone. You have made a very difficult and painful part of my present much easier to deal with by your listening, responding, hugs, and care for me. Thank you all. HUGS kit

I start a (non-paid) medical leave on Monday. I’ve tried so many things to help with the pain in my feet. Nothing is working, and I am sure being on my feet all day has it been helpful. This is a relief, because I’ve been in constant pain for two months. Tonight the pain is the highest it’s been. A 13 out of 10. Tomorrow will be worse, as Fridays always are.

I know it’s just one more day of work, but I
truly dont know how I will do it. Probably a lot of bathroom crying.

I also think it's good that the new T didn't bash old T. When I was recently thinking of leaving Dr. T to see a different T, I had a free consultation with a potential new T. She was very critical of him, which in the moment felt helpful to me. But I then realized that it would have been difficult to process the Dr. T relationship with her when she was saying things like "He shouldn't even be a therapist."

I ended up deciding to stay with Dr. T, so it doesn't matter now. But if/when I leave in the future, I think I'd need a more nuanced T, as it's a complicated relationship, with both good and bad, and I'd want it to be processed that way. Rather than, "He sucks, what was going on with you that you stayed that long?" Really, I could see that being an issue with discussing any relationship with her. As much as it can feel validating for someone to say something like, "Yeah, your therapist/mother/ex-partner sucked!" I'm not sure it helps in the long run to be so black and white.

Hugs, Velcro. I imagine this was meant for the Couch, but wanted to offer you support. I hope something will help soon. I'm sorry it has to be unpaid leave though. Hope you get through today OK.