question

as i'm tossing this around internally, i'm wondering how others would feel if they found out their therapist (male) supports a sports team in which a current player admitted (sort of) to sexual violence a few years ago? it did go through the courts at the time, but as is the case with the vast majority of sexual violence cases, it ended in a not guilty verdict.

(i'll refrain from going on a long rant about the patriarchal nonsense still embedded in NZ's justice system. and society in general. and how 'he said/she said' invariably results in him being believed and her being dismissed.)

this team is also my favourite team in my favourite sport (and they played an international right here in my city), but i've refrained from attending/watching/reading about/listening to anything to do with the current series because this player was selected.

finding out my T is one of the (many) people who treated his selection like, "yeah but my ball sports" has me feeling....icky. which may well be entirely unfair and entirely about my own issues (sexually abused over a long period of time + a rape) and my own values (and a brain that obsesses on justice).

i've thrown a couple of questions at him but fully expect a "my choices outside of your therapy are my business" kind of response.

so i'm throwing it out here to see how others might feel or advise i handle/don't handle it. i'd ask friends/colleagues but that would mean divulging things i don't want to or inventing some cover "asking for a friend" scenario that i'm too tired (and possibly triggered) to come up with.

I suppose it depends whether you are looking at it from a personal or legal perspective.

If he was acquitted, then legally he's innocent. However if you believe him to be guilty but he just got off on a technicality, that's a whole different matter.

It could be said that it's not one particular player T is supporting, but the whole team overall.

However, if you intend to look at your own trauma history with this T, then I think it will come down to whether or not he can keep his personal opinions out of the therapy room. Whether or not you can really trust someone who holds the views he does (do you know what they are for sure, or are you making assumptions?)

Only you know how you currently feel about this T. Whether it's someone you've been working with for a while and you already have a good therapeutic relationship with them, or whether they are new to you.

Myself, I would not be able to work through sexual trauma with a male T, but I know not everyone feels that way. At the end of the day, it comes down to what you personally can tolerate/live with.

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Honestly I would not be able to do therapy with him.

There are people who believe that because professional sports are fiercely competitive they promote violence and are not humanitarian. I understand the reasoning, yet I believe it's extreme.

I am also a survivor, but I would not fault my favorite baseball team because one of the players may have committed violence (sexual or other). I wouldn't fault my therapist for liking that team, either.

I tried not go pay attention to this. The team itself should get rid of indecent players. Maybe your therapist is not even aware of what happened?

No - it would not bother me. Plus the makeup of a team changes all the time (at least in the us). I am not a sports fan of any sort -but I have a lot of friends who are and I can't think of any of them who would stop rooting for a team just because of any one player no matter who the player was or what that player did off the field. I never really cared what a therapist did in their free time. Stuffed animals and Religion are about the only things that would have annoyed me if they had had any religious stuff in their office or if they talked about religion at all in any way -but if they want to believe something I find ridiculous in their own time - doesn't matter to me. I still listen to recordings where James Levine is the conductor and I like Woody Allen movies and so on. I think both men are (or were in the case of Levine) creepy -but I still like their work.

Wouldn’t bother me. Having been married to an avid, very loyal sports fan for 34 years, I realize it’s about the team. The individual players and coaches constantly change. Team loyalty is just what it is. It’s just not serious enough for me to judge a person for that. Bigger fish to fry.

thanks, all, for your responses. thus far, running the gamut from (paraphrasing here) "not an issue" to "dump him". which pretty much mirrors my internal responses since T's email.

i’m trying to look at my overall experiences of T in my own therapy (where his attitudes and responses matter to me) weighed against one comment about a team that includes a player who - as has been pointed out - may not even be there for the next game. and, to be fair, T did say he doesn’t support the player or his inclusion; he was just celebrating the team’s unexpected win.

If he knew my trauma history and knew about the players charges and brought up the team in therapy, the one the abuser is part of, in a positive way, I would be uncomfortable. I’d think he hasn’t considered how I’d potentially feel - whether that’s neutral, not bothered, or extremely stressed. It shows a lack of consideration. l
For me it’s like praising JK Rowling’s work when working with a trans client - really not considerate.
I also feel frok my perspective there’s a difference between historic and current abuse in the media - we’re living with and seeing what’s happening, despite the world having a more evolved definition of social justice and trauma - and yet, these things are still happening and celebrated. It for some reason feels more raw.

If it was my T, once he said he didn't support that player or the player's inclusion on the team, I think I would be fine. I do think that anyone deserves counseling including, those who have committed sexual violence. However, often when a therapist supports a team, they are not providing in-depth, long-term counseling to one individual, but rather sports psychology and broader support and assistance with team dynamics.

I can see that for someone else this might be difficult. However, I would point out that any therapist might be seeing someone who has an anger management issue, has been violent, or has committed sexual assault and we would never know.

My T specializes in anger management which I didn't know when I first saw them but has been helpful to me although I am not at all a violent person. I do have PTSD from something that happened to me related to sexual assault and I don't feel that if my T is seeing someone else who has committed sexual assault that I can't see them. But I am also saying this from the perspective of having seen my therapist for more than five years and having quite a bit of trust in them. If I had thought about it at an earlier time, maybe it would have bothered me.

If it inhibits your work with them, then you probably shouldn't continue to see them even if someone else would. I think it is worth a discussion but I generally think it is better to at least discuss what is going on before making a decision not to see a T anymore. There are definitely exceptions and I have ghosted a T before so I understand why someone might do that.

I think of it this way. I have books I love but I may have issues with the author. I still like the stories.

I have music I love but know the composer has definite issues. I can still like the music.

I have movies I love but the lead actor is an idiot maybe, but I can still enjoy the movie.

So, your T can love his team and disapprove of one of the athletes.

My therapist and I are both season ticket holders for one of our city's sports teams. I also have a fairly recent history with domestic violence which is something we've discussed extensively in therapy. Last year it came out that one of the players was involved in a DV incident with his wife, the team knew about it because their security team was called to the residence, and didn't report it to the league as they were supposed to. (To be honest, this was part of a much bigger issue involving a history of sexual misconduct and rug-sweeping on the women's team which is owned by the same person who owns the men's team with a very vocal fan community demanding internal change within the organization.)

I found all of it kind of triggering. I watch this team to escape from the real world and it sucked that my real world issues were showing up there as well. At the same time, I didn't seem to take the same black-and-white stance as a lot of the more vocal people who were commenting on the situation. I haven't stopped being a fan of the team and neither has my therapist. These were my choices though, and I don't think you're wrong for taking the stance you've taken on your team. It's kind of infuriating when sports and other celebrities get away with horrendous things. If I had quit following the team, I think my therapist would have become more thoughtful about talking about team stuff with me. In fact, I bet he wouldn't even mention them if I didn't. I don't think I'd hold it against him for still being a fan though. I hope you're able to find some peace around this situation and hopefully your therapist is willing and able to have a productive conversation about this if that's what you want to do.

I feel similarly. There was a major DV incident with a beloved player of a sports team I support maybe 10 years ago. Thankfully, the team did the right thing and got rid of him, but it didn't happen as quickly as it should have. I still supported the team (but not the player).

There's a singer who I love and whose music has had a considerable impact on my life. Some bad things came out about him a couple years ago (not at the same level as the other things mentioned, but not good). When he was touring recently, I had to think long and hard about whether to buy a ticket. I bought one (though the cheapest option) and really enjoyed the show. I feel OK about that.

It seems like something good to discuss with your T. If it's something you can't get past, it's completely understandable to leave.

T had a book on her shelf by an auther that was accused of something (can't remember what now).. I felt conflicted and mentioned it to her.. She replied "we'd never read anything if we stopped becuse of something the author has said/done.
At the time I wasn't too convinced by that answer but the longer I was with T and found her to be an honest human being the answer made sense and I no longer join the" burn them" brigade whenever someone somewhere does something. I have my thoughts about it and there it stops.

thanks again for all your responses.

had session today and T was fine with me asking some questions and he answered them openly. we ended up having a lengthy discussion about social justice and where we draw our lines and how none of us can fight battles constantly. and brought it back around to how this relates to work i’m doing in therapy, how i view my own trauma etc.

overall, T is caring, affirming and supportive. our work is difficult because my trauma is extensive and relational (both parents were extremely abusive and enabled each other). even years into therapy, i can still be triggered easily or unexpectedly. T sometimes says things that make me roll my eyes, or ask questions, or remind him to check his privilege. he can get a bit defensive, but mostly he takes it in his stride and is open to talking about whatever i bring up.

for me personally, it’s always a sign of progress when i raise something right away, rather than stewing over it for weeks or months. now it’s been discussed and i can move on.

That sounds very healthy, GeminiNZ. I think it is good you could discuss it, process it, and move forward. Hugs if wanted. Kit

I feel this. My therapist recently commented about me bringing things up four years after they happened and how he wished I'd bring them up sooner so we could clear up any miscommunications a lot sooner. I told him I don't think it had ever been 4 years, maybe just one year, lol.

I'm glad you had a constructive conversation with him about this issue.