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ScarletPimpernel
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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 02:46 PM
  #1
I think I posted this before, so sorry if it's a repeat!

L is really getting into parts work. And while I'm trying to track and am understanding the basics, I'm getting lost inside my head. I think I have too many parts! It gets confusing and hard to hold onto the hurting parts (exiles?). Like I have too many managers and firefighters. She keeps asking them to let us talk to the hurting part. That's where I start to get confused.

So for example, we figured out that my 11 year old self is the one we need to work with to help me quit smoking. I did some deep memory searching last night about what was going on for me back then. L opened the flood gate a little, and I demolished it. Now I don't know what I want or need besides soothing. L keeps talking to my 11 year old self, and some other part of me is totally jealous when she does that.

Ugh! I don't even know if I'm making sense or if I'm (and L!) are delusional?

How do you do IFS without feeling bombarded and torn apart by these different parts of yourself? I do get the concept and do agree I have different parts, but how to you keep them together and not feel fragmented? How do you let the exile be without protectors?

Any help, advice, experience is welcomed!!!

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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 03:36 PM
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No, it doesn't sound delusional to me at all.

Are you dissociative at all? I have parts, but I love them and they love me...my fear is losing (integrating) the others. If you are not dissociative, how do you make the parts come?

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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 03:37 PM
  #3
I read parts of the book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher that I got from the library, but had to return it before I was finished. I'm not sure if that's what you want or need, but it is also available on Audible. Maybe bring it up with your therapist??
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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 04:13 PM
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You can't really bypass the managers and the firefighters to go straight to the exiles. You have to deal with the protectors first, figure out what their purpose or goal is, and accept and appreciate them before you can get in touch with the vulnerable exiled parts. I also think you have to expect some amount of fragmentation before you move to a place of more cohesion. It would probably be really overwhelming to be in touch with all your parts at once, especially in the beginning.
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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 04:52 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by *Beth* View Post
No, it doesn't sound delusional to me at all.

Are you dissociative at all? I have parts, but I love them and they love me...my fear is losing (integrating) the others. If you are not dissociative, how do you make the parts come?
I dissociate, yes, but I don't have dissociative disorder. So I have access to my parts just naturally. I mean, I do have to really think about how each one is feeling, and try to give them a voice. The exile is the hardest to access because of the parts of me protecting it. But it's there.

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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by TheGal View Post
I read parts of the book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher that I got from the library, but had to return it before I was finished. I'm not sure if that's what you want or need, but it is also available on Audible. Maybe bring it up with your therapist??
I definitely will bring it up. I don't really know her experience with it? Maybe she's read the book? I don't read books or listen to them. I can't concentrate long enough and I can't picture what's going on. I'm a visual learner. But she likes to read, so I'll ask her about it. Thanks!

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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 04:59 PM
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You can't really bypass the managers and the firefighters to go straight to the exiles. You have to deal with the protectors first, figure out what their purpose or goal is, and accept and appreciate them before you can get in touch with the vulnerable exiled parts. I also think you have to expect some amount of fragmentation before you move to a place of more cohesion. It would probably be really overwhelming to be in touch with all your parts at once, especially in the beginning.
Maybe that's part of the problem. My managers and firefighters aren't being heard. They're being asked to step aside, and they don't want to. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to hold the exiles? It is definitely overwhelming for me! It gets messy in my head. Especially when you have multiple managers and firefighters for one exile. I think we were trying to access this part of me quickly because I need to stop smoking asap. Maybe we're going to fast? It's really hard jumping into a new technique even if you do support it!

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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 06:25 PM
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I have nothing helpful to add, but just want to say this is a really interesting post! Hope you can figure it out ❤️❤️ & Please let us know how it goes 🥰
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Default Mar 12, 2023 at 04:45 PM
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It sounds tiring to me to have to think the parts there and make them come to life. For me the parts come by themselves, they just exist. My advice would be to take it slow or possibly risk feeling overwhelmed, confused, and worn out. It sounds like a really good type of therapy, though.

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Last edited by *Beth*; Mar 12, 2023 at 05:40 PM..
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Default Mar 21, 2023 at 12:53 PM
  #10
first thing I noticed in reading this thread is that some may be confused...

"fragmented" does not mean the same thing in IFS as it does in the typically found in media-based ways information about dissociative disorders...

In IFS parts are a persons .....normal..... everyday memories, emotions, thoughts, feelings, voices, images, physical sensations, experiences and roles in our normal lives.

IFS is a step program where you are taking a look at, exploring each of those completely normal elements of your life one at a time, in a structured "step process" way.

sometimes "Flooding" and "fragmenting" happens.

In IFS "flooding" is when working with each or a normal part you get too much information at one time about that part.

In IFS "fragmenting" is when you get so much at one time about many parts that you cannot connect/ find the patterns that match them. to connect with each one.

you are noticing each and every one of them but cannot find a connection to them. like trying to make sense out of an apple, a train, a dog bark, the smell of rain, feeling angry at the same time as feeling excited.

you are flooded with so much conflicting information that you cannot connect with just one. it's a know all at once overwhelming kind of thing. IFS flooding and fragmenting can lead to an overwhelming blending.

In IFS blending / merging is not the same as dissociative disordered alters/parts blending and merging together.

It is where you are not dissociated. you are so connected to your .....normal...... emotions, memories and so on that you feel and react because of it. being fully aware that you are angry and so angry. instead of taking the time to calm down you blow a gasket so to speak at the next person who says a wrong word to you.

In IFS you allow yourself to feel (blend) those emotions and so on but yet stay fully grounded and aware. not dissociated, not reacting uncontrollably. the old therapy word for this is "sit with your pain, sit with your emotions, take time to just calmly experience ..."

IFS is not a disorder specific therapy technique, it works for even normal non disordered people. and can be hard for dissociative people to do because the words / language they are used to related to their dissociative problems either don't apply or mean something completely different in doing IFS.

its like learning a whole new language. being dissociative and doing IFS you..... have.... to remember that you are .....not .......working with dissociative disordered alters, you are .......not...... locating more and more dissociative disordered alters and you are not locating more and more dissociated disordered traumas. and you ......have..... to have the ability to stay fully grounded, not dissociated in any way.

in fact since march 2022 treatment providers who use IFS have to be very clear with their dissociative clients in this fact and that they will not be helping them to locate dissociated alters, dissociated trauma's and thats not what IFS is for.

IFS actually causes a dissociative person to have less and less dissociation, less and less dissociative disordered alters, less and less dissociated disordered related traumas, through natural integration. before more stable, more grounded.

think of the mind like an iceberg cut into 3 equal portions - top, middle and bottom. by taking care of, healing and solving whats already been integrated into awareness (aka not dissociated) that allows what is dissociated to automatically integrate up into the normal (awareness) areas of the middle and the top of the iceberg.

IFS works with the middle and top and never enters into the bottom. sometimes whats in the bottom will naturally slip into the top and middle at which time its no longer considered dissociated, its integrated into awareness where a person now has control over their thoughts, behaviors and so on.

nothing is lost. you cant lose whats already lost/ out of your reach so to speak.

original poster since you and your therapist are trying to work with exiles, you have already done and have in process....

1. working extensively on self-mode, grounding meditations to the point where you can hold yourself grounded at all times.

2. you are doing your daily "homework" and may have a printout, cd or bookmark of your most used meditations so that when doing the solo home daily IFS sessions, if you start to become ungrounded you have something to refer to if your memorized meditation is not easily coming to mind.

3. you have by now an extensive reference card catalogue for vocabulary, definitions, categories / classifications

3. you have an extensive card catalog for each individual fire fighter, manager and exile

4. you have your timeline.

5. you have your chart some people call this a map.

6. you have your polarization chart.

7. you have your biographies / histories journals

8. you have your IFS therapy journal - session notes that includes date, time which parts were worked with and what went on during that session. you and your treatment provider write up your separate notes and take a bit of time at each session to compare and discuss both sets of notes from the last session so that all issues are addressed right away and ensures the new session picks up easily where the last one left off.

(Most people doing IFS have at least a year, possibly 2- or three-years' worth of home and in therapy session notes by the time they have started the work on exiles. this is because it takes time to recognize and do the IFS process with each IFS part. It takes time to do all the note taking, documentations, journals and so forth.

9. you have your home IFS sessions notes (some call this their home IFS journal).

10. you have your IFS creative activity / collection.

if not somewhere along the way you have missed doing a step, for they all are used in each IFS working with the various parts steps.

if you do not have these things now would be a good time to take a step back away from the exiles and work on these things.

once these are in process doing the IFS steps for when you get "flooded" and "fragmented" will be easier.

In IFS the steps to do when flooded and fragmented is to leave your intended target (exile) and make the roadblock/ stop sign and the manager/firefighter who put up the roadblock stop sign your new target.

if that doesnt work the IFS step is to go back to the beginning, give yourself a review course to make sure you are using IFS correctly and what its meant to be for, go through your notes, catalogues journals and so on.

check in with each of your managers and fire fighters to see if more needs to be done, if something was missed.

then before moving on to an exile as your target make sure, you have .......all...... managers and .....all ..... fire fighters permission to do so.

Im glad you are doing your IFS with your treatment provider. they can lead you more in detail directly related to your situation. good luck
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