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Lostislost
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Default May 05, 2023 at 06:11 AM
  #201
Something I've done a lot this year is browse just eat menus, add food to the basket and then never check out. I always spend ages choosing what the baby and I will have, even though I know I can't afford any of it. I don't know if it's a good or bad habit. But I feel bad for the baby. And I would like to just eat a whole meal.
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Default May 05, 2023 at 08:56 AM
  #202
I am so glad that my colleague cancelled the work phone call I was expecting today.
My head is still slightly scrambled from yesterday's session.
Professional Lost might be the best version of me, but I can't muster the energy to be that version today.

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Default May 05, 2023 at 04:57 PM
  #203
Dear Ex-MC,
I feel like I was a different person then, back when all of the stuff with you was going on. Maybe it was partly a reaction to the ending with you. Maybe it's largely been my experience working with Dr. T and learning from him (though there were some really painful lessons in there). Maybe it's mainly been life happening and my need to grow and be stronger to deal with all of that (the pandemic, D, etc.). More than likely, it's some mix of those things, probably more the last two.

I wonder what you would think of who am I today? Would you be able to recognize the growth? Though maybe if I were to talk to you again, it would be like how an adult often becomes around their parents, reverting temporarily to a younger version of themselves?

--LT
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Default May 05, 2023 at 05:06 PM
  #204
Dear T: Oh no, only a few weeks left?! I just don’t know how to not grieve ahead of time. We have spent years together. I will miss you more than you will ever know. Why is all of this happening to me?

E: PLEASE let me see you a bit longer. I can’t bear the loss of both of you at once.

This grief will be endless and deep.
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Default May 05, 2023 at 06:37 PM
  #205
Hugs, Velcro. Hope it's OK to reply here. Is there any way at least one of them could keep seeing you for a bit while you wait to see what happens with insurance and unemployment? Whether at a very reduced rate or letting you carry a balance? Or could you put it on a credit card? Just seems like this is a time when you'd especially need support.

I know it may feel awkward to ask, but I think it's worth doing, just to see what they might offer. Or if you could see them every other week or something like that.
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Default May 05, 2023 at 06:52 PM
  #206
My long term T is the one who I will be saying goodbye to in a few weeks (ish). She’s been doing it pro bono for me for a little while, so I get it. She repeatedly tells me that she won’t just drop me. That she will make sure I still have supports in place.

I am just recovering from one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had since I’ve started panicking (in the last few weeks). I am losing someone I care a lot about. I’ve never gotten a real goodbye from anybody/thing, ever. I am starting to think all of my sadness over my I “never got to say goodbye” themes is better. This extreme anticipatory grief certainly feels a lot worse.

Part of that panic attack is also because I thought my trauma T (E), took medicaid, but she doesn’t. Now all I have in my brain is that I am losing TWO important people of my life at once. I trust about 4 people, and they are two of them.

E has me on a sliding scale right now, and she hasn’t said she plans on kicking me out soon, but now I don’t know.
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Default May 05, 2023 at 11:46 PM
  #207
today.was.awesome. thank you.
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Default May 06, 2023 at 01:12 PM
  #208
Three more sleeps.

It's hard having just one place that I can talk about this.
Grieving for Steve involves acknowledging it all.
I couldn't understand. Now I have an understanding.

And that means I have to feel it.

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Default May 06, 2023 at 05:41 PM
  #209
Monday will be T shirt weather and you have only seen me without a hoodie once. Most people I tell can't believe I was a G size with my type of body and it really doesn't bother me when they try to picture it without being obvious.

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Default May 07, 2023 at 09:01 AM
  #210
'Everything's so great
It can't get better
Makes me wanna cry
But I'll go out howling at the moon tonight...'

Please be patient with me as I voice that howl.
People around me could be forgiven for thinking I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I am.

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default May 07, 2023 at 12:58 PM
  #211
I got the sensory chew necklaces we talked about. Thanks for the email during our session that had the Amazon link so I could buy the right ones. I feel kinda like a dope being a 30 year old and needing them, but you said it would help my lip chewing and you aren't the first or even second therapist to suggest these things for various reasons.

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Default May 08, 2023 at 10:53 AM
  #212
Yeah I restricted this morning, and I don't plan on eating and I don't give an eff either.Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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Default May 08, 2023 at 11:09 AM
  #213
One more sleep until I see you next.
How has it taken me two years to get to this point?

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Default May 08, 2023 at 12:16 PM
  #214
Today's session was distant. I feel we both were tired, and I didn't feel ready to face my emotions (so I didn't). I realised, as I have some times before, that none of it is real. You are mirroring my smiles and frowning when you think this is the facial expression to use right now. Maybe reading about therapy with my kind of issues was a mistake.

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Default May 08, 2023 at 07:18 PM
  #215
I had a realization while out walking earlier that's going to make for an uncomfortable discussion on Friday. Telling you this will give me a chance to practice the whole, letting other people (you) be responsible for managing their (your) own feelings/reactions while I manage my own. This will be a test for me, for sure.
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Default May 08, 2023 at 07:47 PM
  #216
Dear T,
Of course, I wanted to ask if you thought I wanted that from you, not just ex-MC and the Teacher. But I wasn't going to do that with 10 minutes left (see, I've learned!) It's interesting that you said you wrote that in your notes a few times but hadn't said it. And actually admitted that you were "nervous" sharing it with me. Which it part of what makes me wonder if you think I'm looking for that from you as well.

I wonder if you're expecting me to email tonight? I realize this is also not something that would be good to discuss over email. And I feel OK about it. I mean, even if you do think that, you seem to still be accepting me.

And I do feel a bit awkward about the other thing I shared, but I trust that you're truly OK with it. And like I said, that's something I learned 4 years ago. I can't un-know it.

Love,
LT
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Default May 09, 2023 at 11:44 AM
  #217
Time to practice patience with myself and those around me.
I wish we'd had time to get to everything I wanted to speak about today, but I think we need to have a focused conversation about how I proceed (or not) with the local support group.

Maybe I need to start next session by asking the question: 'How can I be with this understanding, and this grief, without losing my mind?'

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A man can see his way clear to the light
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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default May 09, 2023 at 02:20 PM
  #218
I'm sorry I didn't email you yet about last night. I just don't feel like it right now. I know you are concerned about me though. I'd rather take a nap.

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Default May 09, 2023 at 06:02 PM
  #219
Another session where I have already set up a draft email, so that I can overcome that obstacle if needed.


You don't know that I have started doing that...and I think I will keep it that way.


I don't feel OK at the moment, and though it's understandable, I am the one who has to live with it.

It's exhausting.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default May 09, 2023 at 09:23 PM
  #220
Dear T: I can’t do it. I can’t say goodbye to you. How is this happening? I know you can’t feel the same feelings as me in this grief, but I feel like you are already ahead to when I’m gone. I already missing you. I’ve had at least one panic attack since Friday. What will I do without you?

E: I am glad you aren’t leaving me yet. I can’t lose both of you at the same time. You are right, you probably won’t be enough support by yourself. I already am burden enough as is. How can I get through all of this? This grief is consuming me, but I still have to find. job, pay my bills, figure out my health.

I am so so scared.
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