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Grand Poohbah
captgut
has no updates.
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Here
Posts: 1,731
1,505 hugs
given |
#301
Now that we're in different countries, the thought that we might never see each other again just kills me.
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ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,835
(SuperPoster!)
8,652 hugs
given |
#302
I know you wanted me to email you about how the gastro doctor went. I just haven't felt well enough physically to email you. I can't think clearly and I just want to lie down all day. I'm doing good on my own. I won't bother you over the long weekend. So idk. Maybe I'll email you Tuesday possibly? Or I'll just wait until our session. Idk.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#303
Dear T,
Stupidly thought you might reply tonight, at least to wish me well. Guess you're being all boundaried. Or maybe just busy. I wanted to send another email saying how I was struggling, but didn't want to bombard you. And if you charged me for emails about my having Covid, that would be really difficult for me. I do want to ask if you have something Sunday (I doubt you will, from what you said today about scheduling then in general), but will wait until you reply to ask. Plus, that would be a scheduling text/email, so wouldn't "count" in terms of possibly charging me. Plus, want to see how I'm doing, both psychologically and physically. Love, LT |
ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, Lonelyinmyheart
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Elder
velcro003
has no updates.
Member Since: Oct 2008
Posts: 7,357
25 hugs
given |
#304
T and E: I can’t believe that BOTH of my relationships with you will end in the near future. Why did my life completely fall apart? I hate it. Nothing feels like it is going to get better. I didn’t sleep last night, and am still awake. I had to call the crisis line twice last night, one at 3 am. Apparently that is a busy time.
Anyway, I will miss you this week when i am inpatient. Also, I am terrified of leaving. Already, and I haven’t even got there. |
ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, DigitalDarkroom, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#305
Dear T,
I really appreciate your caring response this morning. Don't currently feel like I want/need to ask you about tomorrow. I can wait until Monday. Love, LT |
ArtieTheSequal, bearybear
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Tweaky Dog
LostOnTheTrail
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,773
3,103 hugs
given |
#306
Apparently that habit I have of typing and deleting emails isn't exclusive to you.
I know I need to do something about the SL support group, but don't know what to say. Of course, today's trigger has put that on the back burner. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
ArtieTheSequal, bearybear
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Veteran Member
East17
has no updates.
Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 516
35 hugs
given |
#307
Too much going on over the next 2 Tuesdays to be able to fit sessions in on our usual times as well. So unless you can reschedule, we might not be able to meet again until 13th June. Strangely though, I feel ok about that, for the moment anyway. A few months ago I'd have been in a right state at the thought of not being able to have a session for nearly 3 weeks. So either I have progressed. Or it's telling me that I'm done with therapy. Or I've reached a point where I'm just past caring any more. Not sure which it is. Maybe a bit of all three.
Living on my nerves and very little sleep at the moment. Axe-falling day has nearly arrived and at that point I will need to make a decision whether to carry on or not. At least if we are bringing things to an end, you will be one less person to worry about. I don't know how or even if, I'll be able to explain it. Put it in writing maybe, or just leave it with no explanation. Who is likely to really care anyway? Other people have too much going on in their own lives to be concerned with what's going on in mine. I wish things had been different. But as you would say: it is what it is. Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Elder
velcro003
has no updates.
Member Since: Oct 2008
Posts: 7,357
25 hugs
given |
#308
E: sorry for texting you last night. I gave in, i’m sorry.
At least you don’t have to hear from me in a week! T: you are hilarious. how am i going to leave you? |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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Writing my way through...
ArtieTheSequal
is rediscovering her passion and purpose in life.
Member Since: Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,148
(SuperPoster!)
5,708 hugs
given |
#309
looking forward to talking again on friday.
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bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,835
(SuperPoster!)
8,652 hugs
given |
#310
I finally decided to email you about the doctors appointment and the not good lab result and how they moved the procedure from August to June 8th. I haven't heard back from you, but it was a long weekend so I'm guessing you're just pretty busy.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Member
KLL85
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: The World
Posts: 278
16 hugs
given |
#311
When will I learn to trust you and the fact that no matter what I say you won’t react with horror, disgust, ridicule or rejection? Every single time you just take it in your stride and tell me it’s okay that I feel so strongly towards you and that you completely understand.
I still wish you would clarify what is happening in your life that is causing you to be sad. I suspect you and your wife are in a really bad place, perhaps splitting up? Why she would ever stop loving you though I don’t know, she’s very lucky to have you. I worry about you and I felt your hurt and sadness too. But you talking directly to my young parts and telling them it’s okay to want what they want and if they want to colour together or read a story together then we can absolutely do that they just need to ask, means more to that little 5 year old than they will ever tell you. They now just need to build the courage to ask, I wish you would just take the lead though. Problem with all of this though is that it just makes me want you to be my dad even more. The work with the Russian Dolls to help understand and identify my different parts was actually really useful. I know I was hesitant, but I’m glad I took the risk - I think this may be a way to finally breakthrough some of my defences. Thank T. I felt extremely connected to you today. |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,835
(SuperPoster!)
8,652 hugs
given |
#312
I feel kind of sad today but I don't quite know why. I feel like buying a bunch of Kinder chocolate though.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Tweaky Dog
LostOnTheTrail
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,773
3,103 hugs
given |
#313
I emailed the SL support group today, and copied you in, as I don't want to spend a great deal of session time on it next week.
We'll surely have enough to talk about. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Legendary Wise Elder
Mountaindewed
NoahsArk30
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,835
(SuperPoster!)
8,652 hugs
given |
#314
Sorry. I haven't eaten since 2AM but I honestly don't care and I'm out of Ritz crackers.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Member
KLL85
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: The World
Posts: 278
16 hugs
given |
#315
Wow T, the power of our last session is still hitting me hard. The little 5 year old part of me cannot wait for you to read her a story and for us to sit on the floor together and colour. She’s so excited. This is completely new. I thought this part was gone forever, completely destroyed by the sexual abuse.
I know it might be a little while before we actually do any of these things as this little one will need to work up the courage to ask and then the older parts will have to allow these activities to happen, and we need to be very careful not to trigger this young part as she is easily frightened off, but the excitement at the thought of playing with you and that little child me finally getting some of her needs met feels wonderful. Please don’t disappoint me in anyway. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Writing my way through...
ArtieTheSequal
is rediscovering her passion and purpose in life.
Member Since: Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,148
(SuperPoster!)
5,708 hugs
given |
#316
Yeah I kinda wish we could have a 90-minute session this week. I have SO much to talk about after spending 6 days back in Missouri. I asked you a looooong time ago if you would ever consider a 90-minute session and I remember you saying you'd have to think about it which of course I heard as a "no" so I never mentioned it again, and I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to ask about it now!
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bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Tweaky Dog
LostOnTheTrail
has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,773
3,103 hugs
given |
#317
Thanks for understanding why I copied you into that email.
I am bracing like nobody's business, and the anniversary is four days away. Please help me to talk about the feelings and not get caught up in technicalities. I clearly need to make some art or something, because this level of Feeling is not sustainable. I don't think you'd mind if I wrote letters to him for the next 10 days and shared them, but...facing those feelings might turn me inside out. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
AliceKate, bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Member
bearybear
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2023
Location: UK
Posts: 25
327 hugs
given |
#318
Dear T, sometimes as well as the maternal transference I get erotic transference with you; I get sexual thoughts about you. I’d never be able to tell you because I’d never want to make you uncomfortable or for you to think I was disgusting. It’s not even like I want anything sexual to happen between us (that break of boundaries would make me feel unsafe especially with everything I’ve been through) I just can’t help the thoughts. I’ve tried to make the thoughts go away but they’re still happening. Sometimes I wonder how you would react if I ever told you. It would be a weight off my shoulders, but I worry things would never be the same again once you knew and I could never un-say it. It sounds like such an f-ed up combination with the maternal stuff as well, but I think it comes from different parts of me.
(MSF - if anyone has experienced anything like this before please feel free to comment. I feel so alone.) |
DigitalDarkroom, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Always in This Twilight
LonesomeTonight
has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695
(SuperPoster!)
74.8k hugs
given |
#319
Quote:
I've experienced both paternal and erotic transference toward the same therapist at different times (sometimes at the same time)--and this has happened with two different therapists, who are very different both in personality and appearance. It's actually relatively common, from what I've read and been told. I tended to view the erotic feelings as more wanting connection with the therapist rather than actually wanting something sexual to happen with them. I found that if it tried to push the thoughts away, it could make them more intense. So I tried to just accept them, like, "OK, I'm feeling this. I know what it's about, and it's OK." As for whether to tell your therapist about them, that's much more complicated and would depend so much on your therapist and their comfort level with and experience with this sort of thing. It may partly have to do with their therapeutic orientation, too (like humanistic vs. psychodynamic vs. more cognitive or something else). I've had very...mixed results (including with the same therapist at different times) sharing both paternal/maternal and erotic feelings. The main thing to keep in mind is exactly what you said--once you say them, you can't un-say them. My current therapist has said (in general, not about me specifically) that once that sort of thing is shared, it "lives in the relationship." You might be able to talk about that sort of thing in more general terms with your therapist, but I'd avoid sharing specific erotic thoughts. Others may feel it's better to get it out there, but it's very much a risk. Hope that helped in some way! Just know you're not alone in this. |
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bearybear
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bearybear
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Wise Elder
ScarletPimpernel
has no updates.
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,392
(SuperPoster!)
6,347 hugs
given |
#320
Quote:
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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bearybear, DigitalDarkroom, LonesomeTonight
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