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Old May 26, 2023 at 11:00 AM
  #301
 
Now that we're in different countries, the thought that we might never see each other again just kills me.
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Old May 26, 2023 at 12:19 PM
  #302
 
I know you wanted me to email you about how the gastro doctor went. I just haven't felt well enough physically to email you. I can't think clearly and I just want to lie down all day. I'm doing good on my own. I won't bother you over the long weekend. So idk. Maybe I'll email you Tuesday possibly? Or I'll just wait until our session. Idk.

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Old May 26, 2023 at 07:57 PM
  #303
 
Dear T,

Stupidly thought you might reply tonight, at least to wish me well. Guess you're being all boundaried. Or maybe just busy. I wanted to send another email saying how I was struggling, but didn't want to bombard you. And if you charged me for emails about my having Covid, that would be really difficult for me.

I do want to ask if you have something Sunday (I doubt you will, from what you said today about scheduling then in general), but will wait until you reply to ask. Plus, that would be a scheduling text/email, so wouldn't "count" in terms of possibly charging me. Plus, want to see how I'm doing, both psychologically and physically.

Love,
LT
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Old May 27, 2023 at 09:23 AM
  #304
 
T and E: I canít believe that BOTH of my relationships with you will end in the near future. Why did my life completely fall apart? I hate it. Nothing feels like it is going to get better. I didnít sleep last night, and am still awake. I had to call the crisis line twice last night, one at 3 am. Apparently that is a busy time.

Anyway, I will miss you this week when i am inpatient. Also, I am terrified of leaving. Already, and I havenít even got there.
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Old May 27, 2023 at 12:33 PM
  #305
 
Dear T,
I really appreciate your caring response this morning.

Don't currently feel like I want/need to ask you about tomorrow. I can wait until Monday.

Love,
LT
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Old May 27, 2023 at 01:50 PM
  #306
 
Apparently that habit I have of typing and deleting emails isn't exclusive to you.
I know I need to do something about the SL support group, but don't know what to say.
Of course, today's trigger has put that on the back burner.

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Old May 28, 2023 at 11:37 PM
  #307
 
Too much going on over the next 2 Tuesdays to be able to fit sessions in on our usual times as well. So unless you can reschedule, we might not be able to meet again until 13th June. Strangely though, I feel ok about that, for the moment anyway. A few months ago I'd have been in a right state at the thought of not being able to have a session for nearly 3 weeks. So either I have progressed. Or it's telling me that I'm done with therapy. Or I've reached a point where I'm just past caring any more. Not sure which it is. Maybe a bit of all three.

Living on my nerves and very little sleep at the moment. Axe-falling day has nearly arrived and at that point I will need to make a decision whether to carry on or not. At least if we are bringing things to an end, you will be one less person to worry about. I don't know how or even if, I'll be able to explain it. Put it in writing maybe, or just leave it with no explanation. Who is likely to really care anyway? Other people have too much going on in their own lives to be concerned with what's going on in mine. I wish things had been different. But as you would say: it is what it is.

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Old May 29, 2023 at 06:55 AM
  #308
 
E: sorry for texting you last night. I gave in, iím sorry.
At least you donít have to hear from me in a week!

T: you are hilarious. how am i going to leave you?
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Old May 29, 2023 at 07:35 AM
  #309
 
looking forward to talking again on friday.
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Old May 30, 2023 at 09:55 AM
  #310
 
I finally decided to email you about the doctors appointment and the not good lab result and how they moved the procedure from August to June 8th. I haven't heard back from you, but it was a long weekend so I'm guessing you're just pretty busy.

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Old May 30, 2023 at 12:29 PM
  #311
 
When will I learn to trust you and the fact that no matter what I say you wonít react with horror, disgust, ridicule or rejection? Every single time you just take it in your stride and tell me itís okay that I feel so strongly towards you and that you completely understand.

I still wish you would clarify what is happening in your life that is causing you to be sad. I suspect you and your wife are in a really bad place, perhaps splitting up? Why she would ever stop loving you though I donít know, sheís very lucky to have you. I worry about you and I felt your hurt and sadness too.

But you talking directly to my young parts and telling them itís okay to want what they want and if they want to colour together or read a story together then we can absolutely do that they just need to ask, means more to that little 5 year old than they will ever tell you. They now just need to build the courage to ask, I wish you would just take the lead though. Problem with all of this though is that it just makes me want you to be my dad even more.

The work with the Russian Dolls to help understand and identify my different parts was actually really useful. I know I was hesitant, but Iím glad I took the risk - I think this may be a way to finally breakthrough some of my defences.

Thank T. I felt extremely connected to you today.
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Old May 30, 2023 at 03:41 PM
  #312
 
I feel kind of sad today but I don't quite know why. I feel like buying a bunch of Kinder chocolate though.

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Old May 31, 2023 at 10:44 AM
  #313
 
I emailed the SL support group today, and copied you in, as I don't want to spend a great deal of session time on it next week.

We'll surely have enough to talk about.

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Old May 31, 2023 at 10:56 AM
  #314
 
Sorry. I haven't eaten since 2AM but I honestly don't care and I'm out of Ritz crackers.

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Old Jun 01, 2023 at 06:29 AM
  #315
 
Wow T, the power of our last session is still hitting me hard. The little 5 year old part of me cannot wait for you to read her a story and for us to sit on the floor together and colour. Sheís so excited. This is completely new. I thought this part was gone forever, completely destroyed by the sexual abuse.
I know it might be a little while before we actually do any of these things as this little one will need to work up the courage to ask and then the older parts will have to allow these activities to happen, and we need to be very careful not to trigger this young part as she is easily frightened off, but the excitement at the thought of playing with you and that little child me finally getting some of her needs met feels wonderful. Please donít disappoint me in anyway. Canít wait to see you tomorrow.
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Old Jun 01, 2023 at 12:03 PM
  #316
 
Yeah I kinda wish we could have a 90-minute session this week. I have SO much to talk about after spending 6 days back in Missouri. I asked you a looooong time ago if you would ever consider a 90-minute session and I remember you saying you'd have to think about it which of course I heard as a "no" so I never mentioned it again, and I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to ask about it now!
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Old Jun 01, 2023 at 12:34 PM
  #317
 
Thanks for understanding why I copied you into that email.
I am bracing like nobody's business, and the anniversary is four days away.
Please help me to talk about the feelings and not get caught up in technicalities.

I clearly need to make some art or something, because this level of Feeling is not sustainable.

I don't think you'd mind if I wrote letters to him for the next 10 days and shared them, but...facing those feelings might turn me inside out.

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Old Jun 01, 2023 at 01:47 PM
  #318
 
Dear T, sometimes as well as the maternal transference I get erotic transference with you; I get sexual thoughts about you. Iíd never be able to tell you because Iíd never want to make you uncomfortable or for you to think I was disgusting. Itís not even like I want anything sexual to happen between us (that break of boundaries would make me feel unsafe especially with everything Iíve been through) I just canít help the thoughts. Iíve tried to make the thoughts go away but theyíre still happening. Sometimes I wonder how you would react if I ever told you. It would be a weight off my shoulders, but I worry things would never be the same again once you knew and I could never un-say it. It sounds like such an f-ed up combination with the maternal stuff as well, but I think it comes from different parts of me.

(MSF - if anyone has experienced anything like this before please feel free to comment. I feel so alone.)
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Old Jun 01, 2023 at 02:36 PM
  #319
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bearybear View Post
Dear T, sometimes as well as the maternal transference I get erotic transference with you; I get sexual thoughts about you. Iíd never be able to tell you because Iíd never want to make you uncomfortable or for you to think I was disgusting. Itís not even like I want anything sexual to happen between us (that break of boundaries would make me feel unsafe especially with everything Iíve been through) I just canít help the thoughts. Iíve tried to make the thoughts go away but theyíre still happening. Sometimes I wonder how you would react if I ever told you. It would be a weight off my shoulders, but I worry things would never be the same again once you knew and I could never un-say it. It sounds like such an f-ed up combination with the maternal stuff as well, but I think it comes from different parts of me.

(MSF - if anyone has experienced anything like this before please feel free to comment. I feel so alone.)

I've experienced both paternal and erotic transference toward the same therapist at different times (sometimes at the same time)--and this has happened with two different therapists, who are very different both in personality and appearance. It's actually relatively common, from what I've read and been told.

I tended to view the erotic feelings as more wanting connection with the therapist rather than actually wanting something sexual to happen with them. I found that if it tried to push the thoughts away, it could make them more intense. So I tried to just accept them, like, "OK, I'm feeling this. I know what it's about, and it's OK."

As for whether to tell your therapist about them, that's much more complicated and would depend so much on your therapist and their comfort level with and experience with this sort of thing. It may partly have to do with their therapeutic orientation, too (like humanistic vs. psychodynamic vs. more cognitive or something else). I've had very...mixed results (including with the same therapist at different times) sharing both paternal/maternal and erotic feelings.

The main thing to keep in mind is exactly what you said--once you say them, you can't un-say them. My current therapist has said (in general, not about me specifically) that once that sort of thing is shared, it "lives in the relationship." You might be able to talk about that sort of thing in more general terms with your therapist, but I'd avoid sharing specific erotic thoughts. Others may feel it's better to get it out there, but it's very much a risk.

Hope that helped in some way! Just know you're not alone in this.
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Old Jun 01, 2023 at 04:04 PM
  #320
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bearybear View Post
Dear T, sometimes as well as the maternal transference I get erotic transference with you; I get sexual thoughts about you. Iíd never be able to tell you because Iíd never want to make you uncomfortable or for you to think I was disgusting. Itís not even like I want anything sexual to happen between us (that break of boundaries would make me feel unsafe especially with everything Iíve been through) I just canít help the thoughts. Iíve tried to make the thoughts go away but theyíre still happening. Sometimes I wonder how you would react if I ever told you. It would be a weight off my shoulders, but I worry things would never be the same again once you knew and I could never un-say it. It sounds like such an f-ed up combination with the maternal stuff as well, but I think it comes from different parts of me.

(MSF - if anyone has experienced anything like this before please feel free to comment. I feel so alone.)
Wanted to just add a quick reply. I have maternal transference with my T, and sometimes I have sexual thoughts or dreams about her. We're both straight females. She says that my thoughts/dreams are about wanting comfort, connection, affection, and emotional intimacy. She thinks they're actually beautiful, and doesn't at all feel uncomfortable. I hope that helps.

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