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Default Jun 01, 2023 at 09:28 PM
  #321
So many feelings after our session today. After I mentioned feeling like a failure for leaving my job because I couls not longer handle the stress, your comment was spot on.

Telling me that I find my value in what I do or accomplish rather than who I am hit hard. You were so right and it hurts. How do I change that?

The after spending the session dealing with the anticipitory grief of saying goodbye to people I have work with for so.many years, it really hit home. We talked about next week being the start of the final goodbyes with people. A few hours later ( a half hour before the end of my work day) I realized today was the final day with one coworker I am especially close to...um I wasn't ready foe that.

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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 06:41 AM
  #322
The urgent art-making happened today.
I'll probably muck around with it a little before sharing it, though.
Or maybe it's finished...I don't know yet.

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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 10:11 AM
  #323
If you don't know the answer, I would rather that you said you didn't know. Repeating yourself, waffling, and stumbling is irritating and a bit de-stabilising. It's fine to not know something, it doesn't make you stupid. You have plenty of other things which do that.
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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 01:46 PM
  #324
I went out to lunch yesterday and breakfast today. Lunch was hard physically since my stomach was feeling weird. But then I randomly decided on a place. Breakfast today was easy. I woke up and for sure wanted to go out to a particular place. Neither place caused me much anxiety though. I hope you'll be impressed when we talk about it on Monday.

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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 06:35 PM
  #325
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I've experienced both paternal and erotic transference toward the same therapist at different times (sometimes at the same time)--and this has happened with two different therapists, who are very different both in personality and appearance. It's actually relatively common, from what I've read and been told.

I tended to view the erotic feelings as more wanting connection with the therapist rather than actually wanting something sexual to happen with them. I found that if it tried to push the thoughts away, it could make them more intense. So I tried to just accept them, like, "OK, I'm feeling this. I know what it's about, and it's OK."

As for whether to tell your therapist about them, that's much more complicated and would depend so much on your therapist and their comfort level with and experience with this sort of thing. It may partly have to do with their therapeutic orientation, too (like humanistic vs. psychodynamic vs. more cognitive or something else). I've had very...mixed results (including with the same therapist at different times) sharing both paternal/maternal and erotic feelings.

The main thing to keep in mind is exactly what you said--once you say them, you can't un-say them. My current therapist has said (in general, not about me specifically) that once that sort of thing is shared, it "lives in the relationship." You might be able to talk about that sort of thing in more general terms with your therapist, but I'd avoid sharing specific erotic thoughts. Others may feel it's better to get it out there, but it's very much a risk.

Hope that helped in some way! Just know you're not alone in this.
Thank you so much for replying and sharing your experience. You’ve made me feel less alone and that really means a lot. Thank you also for your advice from your experience, it’s helping me make a more informed choice of what I may share. I can understand why and how it would live in the relationship. I’ve told my T about the maternal transference, and it’s almost always there in the room with us since I shared it. It would be difficult to share this, then get a difficult reaction and then it always be lurking in sessions. I will have to have a think about what her reaction might be judging from how she’s reacted to other things I’ve shared and her personality and approach, and how that might impact me
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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 06:37 PM
  #326
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
Wanted to just add a quick reply. I have maternal transference with my T, and sometimes I have sexual thoughts or dreams about her. We're both straight females. She says that my thoughts/dreams are about wanting comfort, connection, affection, and emotional intimacy. She thinks they're actually beautiful, and doesn't at all feel uncomfortable. I hope that helps.
Thank you so much for replying and sharing your experience and making me feel less alone, it’s made me feel really comforted. Me and my T are both females but she’s straight and I’m pansexual, which she knows. It’s tricky because I know that she knows that I have strong feelings towards her because I’ve told her I love her, and I am worried she’s put that together with my orientation and has already guessed that I have sexual thoughts towards her. She knew about my maternal transference before I brought it up and was waiting patiently for months for me to mention it - what if it’s like that and she already knows? It’s so nice the way your T reacted, I’m so happy you had that experience. If I told my T I would hope for her to respond in a similar way
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Default Jun 03, 2023 at 03:21 AM
  #327
that was a tough but good session today. one good thing that came out of it, it's very clear to me now the root of my codependency. you know me, i always have to know the 'why' about things so i'm glad to have figured that out at least.
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Default Jun 03, 2023 at 03:47 AM
  #328
but why the **** did it have to take so LONG to get here?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
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Default Jun 03, 2023 at 10:25 AM
  #329
the trauma thing only came up because of spending time with my family. damn it.

I wish we'd had more time with it yesterday.

Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Jun 03, 2023 at 11:00 AM..
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Default Jun 03, 2023 at 11:50 AM
  #330
I made another version of the artwork that I am very happy with.
I think you'll appreciate the piece, and it feels weirdly right to have new art to share with you on that day.

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Default Jun 03, 2023 at 03:45 PM
  #331
i'm not sure how i feel about this wanting more time. i'm bouncing back and forth about it. that's why i haven't said anything yet.
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Default Jun 03, 2023 at 09:34 PM
  #332
...and I'm confused. I don't recall ever mentioning IFS to you. Huh. If you have me confused with somebody else, that'll be my bye-bye sign right there.
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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 04:31 PM
  #333
You signed your email with a heart emoji which I thought was nice. At this point I think I'm ok to do in person. I'll see how I am in the morning though.

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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 05:10 PM
  #334
Dear T,
My parents just continue to give me plenty of material for sessions. I apologize in advance if your head explodes when I tell you the karate camp thing.

Don't know if I should test again in the morning to be safe. I'm sure you'd say it's unnecessary, and I want to just trust my test from this afternoon. But I guess I should tomorrow again to be sure? Because I love you and all (and won't be meeting you outside like I did my parents).

Love,
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Question Jun 04, 2023 at 05:17 PM
  #335
Dear T Thank you for taking the time to learn about my struggles with living with DID. We feel very validated by you accepting us as individuals. It means so much to us.
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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 05:47 PM
  #336
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but why the **** did it have to take so LONG to get here?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Hi Artie! I hope you don’t mind me responding to this. I have this same exact thought as well. Why on earth did it take my life completely falling apart to try and make changes? And yes-Why did it take so long and so much to do it? My therapists have said that it takes what it takes. They can’t force you to want to change. It has to come from us. I hate that! I don’t want to put in the work to help me feel better!

Ot sucks, but one of my therapists (i am inpatient) said to me today when I expressed regret for all the things I’ve lost. She told me that if I look at life constantly in to the rear view mirror, then of course life will pass me by. You are missing being in the present moment.

I don’t know, i rambled, sorry!
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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 06:38 PM
  #337
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Hi Artie! I hope you don’t mind me responding to this. I have this same exact thought as well. Why on earth did it take my life completely falling apart to try and make changes? And yes-Why did it take so long and so much to do it? My therapists have said that it takes what it takes. They can’t force you to want to change. It has to come from us. I hate that! I don’t want to put in the work to help me feel better!

Ot sucks, but one of my therapists (i am inpatient) said to me today when I expressed regret for all the things I’ve lost. She told me that if I look at life constantly in to the rear view mirror, then of course life will pass me by. You are missing being in the present moment.

I don’t know, i rambled, sorry!
L has always told me "it takes as long as it takes"... I don't know how she has put up with my BS for so long, she told me one time that she is stubborn, well, she'd have to be to wait me out as patiently (most of the time anyway) as she has.

I hope inpatient is going well and being helpful for you.
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Default Jun 04, 2023 at 08:29 PM
  #338
L, gosh I am just so very grateful that you brought up the codependency thing again! You must have some spidey-sense or something that told you I was ready for it this time. This evening's meeting was so helpful.

Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Jun 04, 2023 at 08:44 PM..
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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 11:40 AM
  #339
Thank you so much for sitting 'in it' with me today.
Taking the rest of today one moment at a time, trying to afford myself some of the grace Steve so often spoke about.

How the hell has it been two years?

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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 11:50 AM
  #340
I really don't want to meet today. I want to sleep. I'm very tired and I'm coughing and hacking up phelgm and I don't see how today would be productive. But you have that super strict cancelation policy. Just know that if I'm not doing my best its me whos the one with the issue.

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