Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

LostOnTheTrail

Three more sleeps until we next meet.

Plenty to talk about, as ever.

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Mountaindewed

So I emailed you and asked if I could switch to remote and you were like no problem! In fact if you wanted to rest we can do zoom tommorow morning instead." I said yeah that would be fine. But well played since you told me last week I'm your first client, so now you get a big chunk of today off. I'm currently still on the verge of puking so I know it wasn't the session anyways that was making me sick and I would not have been productive today.

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I still need love cause I'm just a man

I was assigned female at birth. My pronouns are he/him. It's not ok to ask me what's in my pants.

LostOnTheTrail

Would you find it weird if I spent next session with my hands over my chest?

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SlumberKitty

I know this is weird, but I hope you don't forget to text me and remind me that we have a session tomorrow. Even though I already know. I like those reminder texts. Just a little reminder that you are there. Of course, I probably won't tell you that part. But maybe, if I am feeling brave, I will. Kit

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Dum Spiro Spero
IC XC NIKA

SlumberKitty

Okay, that's weird. I just posted about you not texting me about our session and then you just texted me saying you double booked for tomorrow at 1 PM and could I change my appointment to 2 PM?

I haven't responded yet. I can change the appointment. I just feel........IDK. Less than? Not as important? Maybe you scheduled the other person first. Why don't you have regular session times instead of well, what do you have open next week?

Humph. Silly thing to be miffed about. But I am a little miffed. Kit

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Dum Spiro Spero
IC XC NIKA

bearybear

Dear T, I’m sorry I overreacted and felt so mad at you, I’m glad I didn’t show you my over reaction. Thank you for responding (eventually) I just thought you weren’t going to. I can’t express the relief that came when you did. Good job I waited and didn’t lash out at you or send a follow up message. It’s crazy the smallest things you do can send me crazy feeling abandoned, humiliated and rejected and it hurts so bad. But I guess that’s you showing me the trauma I need to heal. I still love you.

LonesomeTonight

Dear T,
I"m glad you said it would be OK to sit on the couch again if I wanted. I had been afraid to ask, but in discussing the ottoman, it seemed like a good opportunity to do so in a low-stakes moment. Maybe I'll try that the next time and see what it feels like. I mean, I can always go back to the chair!


Love,
LT

AliceKate

You are not going to like the dream I had. It was a lucid dream, I knew I dreamt, and I made the worst decisions simply because I knew it was just a dream. Not sure what that says about the progress I've been making in regards to "that thing". Probably that it's not going very deep.

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my life explained in two smileys

Waterbear

That should have been.... Someone who can work more creatively, and someone who can work more consistently. Annoyingly, I had been feeling like maybe there was a possibility of continuing this work with you, until we did the diary check at the end. A holiday in April and again in May? And one session in 6 weeks due to our combined holidays and my work, that's not good. Or is it? I know it's not your 'fault', but you didn't need to point it out. I would have rathered you ask how that made me feel. You sounded surprised that I took my blanket, at the end. I told you, I need to decide whether or not I come back, and if I have no intention of returning, then I don't want my stuff left with you, do I. I don't know. I must say this is all a bit too much for me. I don't think that you can help me. I think that you are just as lost and confused as I am, and that makes me sad.

AliceKate

And btw 5 gramm of lexapro? I'd probably die!

You are a brilliant therapist, but lol

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my life explained in two smileys

LostOnTheTrail

Thanks for replying to my text.
I felt sharing that news warranted it.
Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of days.

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Mountaindewed

I guess I tell you about the small fries from Mcdonalds I ate last night and not the apple cider vinegar drinks I've been drinking and all the diet bars I've been eating or the bone broth I have on my shopping list. Or is that just manipulation? Maybe I'd have more trust in therapists if they didn' passivly aggresivly threaten to terminate me when I tell them this stuff.

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I still need love cause I'm just a man

I was assigned female at birth. My pronouns are he/him. It's not ok to ask me what's in my pants.

ArtieTheSequal

I'm so very ready for Friday. I have so much to talk about. Wish for more time.

East17

Damn... I stupidly looked forward to this session for a week and I feel so let down. It didn't help that we had technial issues on both sides, that kind of ruined the flow a bit. But I think you could sense that I didn't feel ok with how the session went.

There weren't any interruptions, but I didn't feel like you were really present with me, as though your mind was somewhere else. I was conscious of H being in the next room for a while and that definitely didn't help.

The disconnect I am feeling with the wider world seems to be seeping into our therapy sessions as well, and I really need that not to happen, as it's the one 'safe-ish' place I have in my life.

Now I have to sit with these feelings for another week. I know you wouldn't mind me emailing you about it in-between, but I have always tried not to contact you between sessions. In my head I am more reliant on you/our relationship than I would ever admit, but in real life I don't come across like that, and I don't believe you are aware of it. That's the way it's going to stay if I can possibly help it.

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To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world.

Waterbear

I wish I'd listened to my gut a year ago. I knew in my heart that yours wasn't the right environment for me.

Waterbear

This isn't really for you, T, but I've nowhere else to vent this. Why are therapists so bad at getting back to people. I've contacted 8 over the last two days and only 3 have replied. Two of those to say they have no availability. One to ask me more questions, which I answered right away, yet 24 hours later, still nothing. Is it too much to think 'you' might get back to someone who is clearly reaching out for help? I'm struggling here and it would be really nice if I wasn't just left hanging. I understand you are all busy, and some may be away, but I personally think that's quite a low response rate 😓

Waterbear

Ps, on top of the mouth ulcers and fatigue, I now have a banging headache. I so rarely get headaches. Stress is really not good for you.

Mountaindewed

Kinda funny how you had to put your toddler back in his room because he escaped in the middle of our session. But why did you have him in his room anyways? Unless he was supposed to be taking a nap or something.

__________________
I still need love cause I'm just a man

I was assigned female at birth. My pronouns are he/him. It's not ok to ask me what's in my pants.

LostOnTheTrail

Being able to ask for support entails finding the words.
Finding the words takes energy that I'm struggling to spare.
The team that now presents what I will always consider Steve's podcast recently put out an episode on getting the rest you need.

Every time I think about listening to it I find myself thinking 'He should still ****ing be here.'

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velcro003

E: I'm glad I get to see you tomorrow, and since the intense anxiety of going back to work has been pushed off another week, maybe we can actually focus on something else.