Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Just **** off about food tommorow. If I'm not in the ER that is. If I'm not feeling good or am in a **** ton of pain, I'm not going to eat ANYTHING. I don't give a **** if you are fine not being able to ride on roller coasters or fly on airplanes or go to baseball games. This is my body, and stop trying to control me especially when something is very medically wrong and I legit can't eat without being in the bathroom all night.

I am so sorry for cancelling an hour before our session. I told you that you could charge me. Something just is not right at all with me today and its kind of an emergency. And its not food related unless you count the pizza from last night possibly being an issue. But thats not your area.

Three more sleeps...

Dear T,
When I was driving away from session, it occurred to me: We talked about how my mom was someone I felt I couldn't criticize, in part because she couldn't deal well with criticism (and those in her life seemed/seem to feel that way, too--or maybe they just thought/think she's so great that there's no reason to criticize or question her?). But I feel that way about you, too. Yes, I do that sometimes anyway. But I wonder if that's what some of the enactments are about? Of course...I feel I can't tell you this because saying you don't deal well with criticism is...criticism. And I don't want to end up in some conflict because of that. At the same time, it seems like an important thing to explore...

Also, duh, I should have known what the name "Motown" came from. I want to email to be like, "Motor City, duh!" but that's probably too friend-like, so I'll try to just remember to mention it Monday.
Love,
LT

Sorry for butting in LT, but not being able to offer feedback which could be interpreted as criticism, isn't indicative of a truly safe relationship. You are having to hide what you feel. It becomes about him and trying to avoid more potential conflict and further ruptures. It's still there in the room with you even if you don't verbalize it.

New person was okay, but I didn't feel it. He wasn't as good as you.

He tried but I was already feeling exhausted and checked out. It annoyed me a bit that he repeated himself a lot when I wanted him to move on, but he did give me 11 extra mins.

Still helped a bit to be told:

"I didn't do anything wrong" by talking about how that moment made me feel. and "that it was very valid to talk about concerns" and that he could spend an extra 2 hours with me on it, even if I may be brushed off as just being another conspiracy theorist .

We both know I'm a word person, but even so...
I don't know how I'm going to find the words to explain all that's happened over the last couple of weeks.

Thanks, Lemon. I do wonder how much of this is transference though, my feeling like I can't criticize him because he's an authority figure (like my mom). Or fearing his reaction if I do. Rather than it being about him in particular. Yes, he doesn't take criticism as well as he ideally would (for this type of relationship), but he also wouldn't abandon me over it.

Dear P,

TW for alcohol use.

well i had a rather disturbing dream last night. i wrote down as much of it as i could remember this morning, but as sometimes happens, while i was writing it down, i forgot what happened after the disturbing part. dang it. yes, I know, i need to do a dream re-entry and I will later today.

Why do you always take a sip out of your non clear water bottle whenever we talk about something that annoys you? Like when you mention your husband or the possible covid wave.

I hate the fact that I'm the one left crying in tears, whilst you post about how great your hotel room is and that you spent £200+ on dinner.

I am confused by your response of 'that sounds final' to my statement of how you'll be gone (maybe gone for good). You are quitting. You have no clue for how long. You have no clue what your life or my life will be like if you ever open up a practice that I could go to. You have no clue where you'd be practicing at that time because you have no real plans to reopen. Maybe you have hopes/dreams. You won't tell me anything because you don't know.

When you rubbed at your eye, I wondered if that was due to a tear.

I want you to change your mind -- of course I do. And knowing me, given the amount of pain this has caused, I'd probably have some level of amnesia about it - to stay away from the pain and be just so damm happy that you are not leaving. 7 weeks - 14 sessions. A lifetime, no time at all. It's far enough out for you to reconsider or for me to consider/wish/dream that you will change your mind. It's now been almost 2 weeks since you told me. I know it wasn't a dream. It's real. This is really happening. I read the last few chapters of the Zoe letting go book. As long as I keep writing to you, you'll stay alive in my head and heart.

Tuesday, I need to sit where I can see everything. I need to face ... "our past?" Grieve the loss of future moments? both... something completely else that I don't understand? I couldn't do that yesterday - see the puzzles, see the bridge, the pillow.

I'm glad you loved the blanket. I'm glad I kept it and glad I was able to give it to you. I'm glad you still show excitement at the things I give you. And you said that you would keep the things I left with you. I doubted in my head the longevity of you keeping those things, it was nice to hear you say that they would be kept because they are a good thing of the time we spent together and not a burden. I still wonder how long legally you are required to keep something - if at all.

My missing of you is so strong today. It is a missing, not a longing. This is up there with one of the top 10 hard things to live through. I told someone else that you were quitting and I'd been seeing you for 8 years. The person said that would be like losing a family member. The person has no clue as to the type of therapy we've been doing or the frequency of my contact with you. And they still thought that after 8 yrs, it would be that hard.

I had a panic attack about food last night. Just because of the way a lot of foods have made me feel sick lately. And also the pizza incident the other night which caused me to be very sick all day on Friday. I only ate 3 slices by the way. So I googled fear of eating, and eating disorder stuff came up along with other things. I guess its worth a mention to you even though you'll have a field day with this information.

So glad that I see you tomorrow.

Plenty to talk about, but you know that already.

I think the 'plan' will have to wait.

Yeah, don't be surprised if I call you tomorrow...

...however, in the morning light, nope, not gonna do it.

I dislike my brain atm.

Thank you for your recommendation today.
Next time I'm out of my tree, I'm going to try an online sound bath.
I love that you understand me well enough to know that would be something I would enjoy.

Dear T,
I feel like the filter between my brain and mouth went on lunch break in the middle of our session. Perhaps it was my second cup of coffee this morning?

Sort of wish I hadn't mentioned the "male" and "spouse" parts of the seeking approval thing, but maybe it's important that we look at the full picture? I agree that the "approval" thing is sort of key here. And acceptance, but I suppose they're on the same spectrum. More to discuss later this week (and beyond).

At least I didn't ask the question about the glass fish, I suppose. Maybe it's better we don't talk about that.

Love,
LT

My mom was worried about the cancellation fee but it was only $15 more then my already low copay. I was ******* my guts out so yeah.... plus I did email you last week.