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Default Mar 28, 2023 at 06:05 AM
  #61
Now I know that you're struggling with little sleep and have no carer for H today, I don't feel able to send what I was going to email prior to session. I appreciate you only asked to push the session back by 1/2hr, when you could have cancelled it altogether. But I'm still paying for your time and now I feel like I'm taking care of you.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

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Default Mar 28, 2023 at 07:13 AM
  #62
E: One more day. I am barely holding on.

T: You’ve been amazing in keeping me calm over the very painful weekend. I have a feeling you won’t get any cancellations, so I will see you on Friday.
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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 10:18 AM
  #63
I wanna do that thing with the cards again. And maybe a sand tray. Both holding the same question in mind.
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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 11:20 AM
  #64
Dear T,
Nervous to talk to you today. Especially as we then only have Friday before you're away for 10 days...well, at least there will be 10 days before I see you--of course I don't know when you'll actually be away, and you won't tell me or give me a sense of where you're going or how you're getting there. I do wonder if some of this reaction of mine is because you'll be away, like maybe I'm trying to put space between us to make it easier in a way? I don't know. You probably wouldn't understand that if I tried to explain it.
Love,
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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 11:25 AM
  #65
Thanks for your kind words.
Maybe I'll get to a point where this time of year doesn't feel like it's going to sink me.

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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 11:39 AM
  #66
Dear T. I know you are going away from 12 April to 26 April to Ohio. I don't remember if you said we would have sessions while you are away. If so my next session might be the last session before you leave for a few weeks. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I should ask you. I suppose it can wait until next session. I should have thought faster yesterday to ask you. Kit

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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 03:19 PM
  #67
Perhaps that email should've been notes for the session.
I felt some measure of your usual compassion, and an element of something more akin to 'You can do this.'

Cheerleading isn't something I am used to from you.

There's something really odd about being in two different grief spaces at the exact same time...and I need to know you understand that.

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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 04:34 PM
  #68
E: I can’t believe I actually told you that I maybe had a memory show up after scrolling through reddit. I am not surprised it didn’t take you long to get it mostly right; how do you T’s do that? Hone in on things like that? I managed to say something about it, but yeah, definitely needed to be contained/grounding needed
to happen. I’ve never disappeared like that when I closed my eyes. Weird.

Unless I write it down, I am pretty sure I won’t be able to tell you. Except, how does one write something down that is so vague, nebulous, and maybe not even true? Or maybe I am making you think it is a bigger deal than it is. I don’t know.
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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 04:52 PM
  #69
I am having a terrible time in therapy at the moment
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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 05:08 PM
  #70
Part of me is dreading this next session, part of me can’t wait because I’m desperately attached to T. I don’t know how I’ve got myself into this situation. Part of me feels worse than I did when I started therapy. But I don’t feel able to stop because I need her in my life now I’m attached, even when it feels terrible and I seriously wonder if this is good for me, or I have a feeling it isn’t. And I hate to admit that but it’s true.
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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 06:10 PM
  #71
Doing EMDR must be the easiest sessions ever for a therapist. Just being like ‘what do you notice…i don’t want to know details…how do you feel, just notice that…go with that…notice that…notice that…notice that…notice that… go with that…go with that…notice that…go with that…then boom end of session - hundred quid please see you next time BYE!’

Thanks for retraumatising me. Thanks for making me feel more alone than I already do. Thanks for making me feel like you don’t care or want to listen to my trauma. Thanks for making me feel so invalid and not worth listening to. Thanks for making me feel like I can’t talk about my trauma. I’ve spent years in silence with no one to talk to. I finally trust you and want to share it with you, and you’re cutting me off and not letting me speak and not answering my questions and making me process stuff on my own in silence? I know you love EMDR, T, but I gotta be honest with you, it’s not working for me. I can’t tell you because I want to please you and I’m attached to you and I don’t want you to reject me for feeling this way or accuse me of not trying hard enough or not committing to it or not wanting to face the pain. But this isn’t working it’s not helping. This sucks for me, it’s tearing me apart inside and making me feel worse.
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Default Mar 29, 2023 at 08:02 PM
  #72
E: WHY?’ Why did I tell you the very basics of the memory that popped up. I only really processed the worst part about it, after I left. Now what? How can I hold onto this horrific fact about myself that probably has pushed my self-hatred to a new level-How can I live with this. I need to tell you the rest. I am just afraid that I will be ok waiting a week. While I do not want you to know any of this about me, we already went too deep with the little info I gave you today.

I wish I could really disappear, instead of doing it only when I close my eyes.
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Default Mar 30, 2023 at 06:50 AM
  #73
Dear T,

Thank you. For trying new things. For adapting your style of therapy more to suit my messed up brain. I really do appreciate it. I am going to make you a card to say thank you. This is one hell of a rollercoaster isn't it. I am sure I did warn you when we started! By deciding to leave I am now finding myself wanting to stay. I'm not surprised, because I have been through this push/pull before, I just wish I didn't make it so difficult. I wonder if I could have just politely asked you to try working more creatively? I wonder if that would have 'worked'? Did I do that? I don't think I did. No, instead I was all triggered by that terrible session and decided leaving was the only option I had! Oh silly me.

Today was tough, but in a really productive way. There's no way I would have said those two words unless we had done what we did, I know that, and I'm pleased that together we found a way, but it didn't stop me feeling like a baby learning to talk. And whilst I do appreciate the constant "well done"s and the "you are doing so well" it can feel a little patronising at times! I don't want you to stop though!!

Anyway, yeah, thanks for hearing me and for finding other ways, it means a lot and is really helpful!!
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Default Mar 30, 2023 at 11:04 AM
  #74
David says something to the effect of 'Believing that you deserve what you want might be the most radical path a human being can take.'

There's no question that I need more help.
It's OK that I need more help.
Why can't I ****ing ask for it?

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Default Mar 30, 2023 at 12:12 PM
  #75
I can't believe you have 75 clients. My delusional self thought you only had maybe 35-40 the way you act like I'm your only one when we are meeting.

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Default Mar 30, 2023 at 01:35 PM
  #76
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail View Post
David says something to the effect of 'Believing that you deserve what you want might be the most radical path a human being can take.'

There's no question that I need more help.
It's OK that I need more help.
Why can't I ****ing ask for it?
My T of 7.5 years just “yelled” at me on Saturday night bc I need to get my **** together and use my support system. That I can not do this all alone. Yeah, yeah!
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Default Mar 30, 2023 at 02:34 PM
  #77
Must be something in the air at the moment!

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Default Mar 30, 2023 at 08:34 PM
  #78
help. please, T and E. I can't do this anymore.
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Default Mar 31, 2023 at 10:32 AM
  #79
You said to lay low if there was an idictment and stay home. Idk. I went to the makeup section at Target this morning to get a face mostiuizer and I had no anxiety or issue with anything.

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Default Mar 31, 2023 at 10:45 AM
  #80
I'm hopeful that I will be able to smooth things over next week.
The last thing I wanted to do was transfer my confusion to you.
It's loud in my head at the moment, even without the Critic.
Although I half expect him to butt in again, because the closer I get to my truth, the louder he is.

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A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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