Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

That picture of you 100 pounds less and glareing sideways looking pissed is honestly a bit hot.

I kinda wanna talk again about why the f I can't just full.stop seeing you.

Ok Artie what are you learning in this assertiveness class, stop with the damn qualifiers. Let's try that again: I want to talk again about about why I can't just full.stop seeing you.

102 days without you.

I still do feel like I want a session with you. You have slots on the 5th of November.

Wonder if you would cancel it if I did book online.

I am so effing tired of being brave.

You commented on everything I was wearing today. It was a compliment, but you do observe while I feel like its rude to look at you besides your face and I don't even pay attention to what you wear.

Thank God for colleagues who care. I was strongly impacted by a participant's piece of writing at work today. It mentioned both of my current major triggers.


My colleague checked in via email and text, and offered a phone call if I wanted.


I gratefully accepted.


Everything crossed that we can meet properly on Thursday.

Thanks L for verifying... I completely, totally, could not remember if we did or not. Does anxiety kill brain cells? I mean I quit drinking in June, so it's not alcohol doing it....

My mom said you seemed more "put together" then you have been lately. So why is it ok for you but not for me?

Why was I the one worth leaving?

Why does on-call never call me back even if I call them and leave 5 messages in 2 hours? Do they hate me too even though half of them don't know me?

Hugs, Scarlet.

Well, yesterday was update day. I finally sent you an email. I had gotten through all my Oct appointments and had the results of them. I still have more things coming. The email was like writing a goodbye letter to you and maybe it will be. Your response was nice, it was ok - better than I feared. It also didn't really have any openings or welcoming statements for more emails from me. I know I can email you. I also know ... or is it believe... that I'm not suppose to. Norms so confusing - the norm or guideline here is that we ended so other than by fate, we should not have any further interaction. But that is just a norm, a guideline... an ethical stance in a field where things are far from normal and to some degree voyeuristic.

Yesterday was very hard day. A very painful day.

I wanted to email you again today - it wasn't as strong as I think it could have been. Then again, I've been using my not so helpful coping mechanisms. And I' m coping. Which, I am in need of coping.

So much of our work was about how I didn't have to follow rules that I make up or that I believe society imposes on me - here I find myself stuck in the place of.... if I make myself follow this guideline at whatever cost, am I doing the right thing or is the right thing doing what will not have a damaging/harmful price to pay and allow you to say if my behavior is not ok with you specifically - regardless of the guideline.

And how much of the polite, warm, but also distant form of replies can I take before I start reading into what is not said all the bad things about me?

It really is a mind f.

ETA - I think the truth is, I'm suppose to find coping ways of dealing with the change (grief) that does not include contacting you and is not damaging or harmful. The problem is that's not what I want, and it always sucks to be forced to not have what one wants.

Hey. My anxiety is so high today I have absolutely no focus. If I had any freaking PTO that isn't already earmarked for future dr appointments, i would have called out sick from work today i feel that bad. I'm glad we're meeting tomorrow afternoon; I may just want to come in, lay down on the couch, and sleep for an hour... let you go about your life and just come wake me up when it's time for me to leave. heh like you'd ever let me do that

As a result of our conversation yesterday, particularly 'I am allowed to ask for help, and it is good for me to do so', my colleague H now knows about the importance of 'You are safe' to me when I'm in a heightened state.

I am still not comfortable with asking for this kind of support...it's not like they need to break out the First Aid kit when I spiral...but I've taken the first step.

I'm not ready to email you yet.

I'm a bit high on melatonin right now. But I keep thinking of that picture of you 100 pounds less and looking pissed and its a bit of a turn on.

Its like the song Fire And The Flood.

But yeah. Sometimes I like you.

sometimes i hate how well you see me and at the same time i'm so grateful for it i want to hug you.

Well done Lost. That’s great progress!

Dr. S - So I emailed you again yesterday morning. Based on the conversations I had with others, I thought it was ok. I still think like it was ok I feel like it wasn't. You haven't replied and a part of me doesn't want you to reply until like Monday. I don't want it to be further out than Monday. I was trying to live by no rules and that's not going to work. And I am so sorry for emailing you again so soon. It's suppose to be ok but if I am not strong enough - then it isn't ok - not because of you but because of me.