Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

LostOnTheTrail · Nov 04, 2023 at 06:03 PM

The other side of the coin...

Last night I was sitting with the SL forum open...five minutes before the deadline to sign up for their next Zoom group tomorrow.

I had the form in front of me, but couldn't fill it out.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 04, 2023 at 06:24 PM

Dear T,

Thinking of you tonight as I was quite near your office while going to my mother-in-law's apartment. Also earlier today when I questioned H as to why he didn't tell his mother that he didn't want what she was making for his birthday dinner.

I realized that it showed a shift in me--how I could see, say, 5 years ago, if my own mother had said "I'm just going to make x for your dinner, is that OK?" I likely would have just agreed, even if it wasn't something I particularly wanted (I mean, if she said she was going to make a steak, I'd have been like, "Hello, I've been vegetarian for 25 years!") But now, even if she just stated what she was making, without a question, or she said we'd go to some restaurant I didn't like, I'd speak up. I'd advocate for myself now, rather than just going the people-pleasing route and being unhappy.

My work with you is responsible for that shift. Among other things. Thank you for that.

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 04, 2023 at 07:19 PM

your response made me good-cry a little. thank you so much for saying that; it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Lemoncake · Nov 05, 2023 at 05:05 AM

Feeling happy again.

There's no more indecision either- going back to you for even a single one off session wouldn't be a good idea. I reread the older messages from July on friday. It was cruel to not even reply properly back then and just shut down with refund talk only.

I forgive you for not being what I wanted, needed and everything in between.

Moving onwards and upwards now.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? When in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back" .

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 05, 2023 at 08:34 AM

i'm really thankful that you continue to put up with me. sometimes i really wonder how you do it, because i have such a hard time putting up with myself.

Elio · Nov 05, 2023 at 08:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? When in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back" .

I'm there with you. My head knows there's no going back. My heart is slowly, ever so slowly getting there.

Dr. S - this is so hard for me to figure out - we spent so much time trying to get me to not be so rigid with my behaviors; to not make unnecessary rules and me thinking that making such rules were some how a defect. Now, when I read about how to get over the loss of a person - end of a relationship or death; they list many of the tools I use to make rules. Maybe I wasn't so wrong after all.

I thought I was ready for a lack of reply or maybe I should say a delayed reply. It has only been 48 hours. A reply may come tomorrow, may come later today, may come next week... and may never come - you may have misread my words and think no reply is expected/desired. I did ask for a reply that at least acknowledged you received my email.

We will see if a reply happens and if so, what it contains.
-me

Mountaindewed · Nov 05, 2023 at 07:45 PM

I don't know if you'll aprove or not. Or if you think its just more restriction stuff. Or if my doctor will have an issue with things too because of vitamins and stuff.

Lemoncake · Nov 06, 2023 at 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

I'm there with you. My head knows there's no going back. My heart is slowly, ever so slowly getting there.

It comes in waves. You will get there when you get there Elio. Try to be gentle with yourself. I'm sat crying about this ending now amongst other things. Was okay with it yesterday. Not so much today.

There's a huge difference just a day makes.

----

I need to head to the gym later. I was also crying because

Possible trigger:

I've never been good with seeing dead people, but can't avoid it especially this whole week. On the way back it was the call from my father. Just going on about how much money he spent on me. I have no real relationship with him.

Mountaindewed · Nov 06, 2023 at 05:13 PM

Can I like you without it being transference? You don't suspect a thing.

Elio · Nov 06, 2023 at 05:47 PM

At this moment - I hope I never hear from you again. I am so angry and hurt.

Elio · Nov 06, 2023 at 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

It comes in waves.

It surely does. Thanks.

MuddyBoots · Nov 06, 2023 at 07:10 PM

J,
next week can we have some sort of open discussion with S about what he should do should me living with him become too much, if my mental health is a wreck and I'm too much trouble, if I become a danger, etc.? I don't want to ruin him like I ruined my family.

Waterbear · Nov 07, 2023 at 06:51 AM

Dear T,

Sometimes you are so unbelievably f***ing useless. If I paid for quality of service received you'd have lost 40% off your fee by that one line alone. Honestly, what the hell are we doing here? We are supposed to be making things better, not worse! F**k off back to your little hole and leave me alone, please!

LonesomeTonight · Nov 07, 2023 at 08:16 AM

Dear T,

This work thing is really stressing me out. I'm worried my response was a bit too defensive and I'll get fired. But I didn't mess those references up--I spent a lot of time on them trying to adhere to the style guide. I also worry I messed up H's birthday by being snippy this morning because I was stressed about this, plus D was all upset. Though if his birthday is that easily messed up...

Wish I could talk to you for a few minutes.... I imagine I'd have missed the email window this morning, so you wouldn't get back to me till tomorrow anyway, and I'll be seeing you at noon, so... And hopefully it will be resolved by then? I just hope I hear back something OK from the organization this morning. Doesn't help that with the time zone differences, it would be nighttime for the actual person who emailed me. Hopefully, my main contact, who is in my time zone, will respond this morning...

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 07, 2023 at 09:29 AM

i'm feeling pretty happy this morning, L. I was struggling with some difficult feelings on Friday and have continued that work in my journal since then, and had yet another aha this morning while writing with regards to why I keep coming back to therapy. Huh.

Mountaindewed · Nov 07, 2023 at 12:53 PM

I sent a message to my pdoc about the med I went off of. Then I see one of my doctors tommorow and I have to come clean to him about something that may get me into a lot of trouble. Then I might as well come clean to you about my dieting while I'm at it.

Fun week.

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 07, 2023 at 01:07 PM

...still the underlying anxiety about 'the thing' that i can't seem to completely manage, but i'm getting better at not consciously stressing about it anyway. my heart rate isn't spiking as much as it had been. primary thinks it might be my thyroid issues causing it, so i did blood work yesterday and got the results already this morning (super fast) and my t4 is high. i imagine he will want to change my meds again. hoping it's just that combined with the anxiety and that i'm not going to be off to a cardiologist next.

Mountaindewed · Nov 07, 2023 at 03:37 PM

I was watching Sesame Street with my niece this morning and you're not even to be lying when you say you'd rather have me watch that than CNN.

Mountaindewed · Nov 07, 2023 at 04:34 PM

Now I'm worried you have found me on this site. You haven't replied to my email. You did say you'd be busy though with stuff and may not answer. The stuff I've said on here is pretty fireable stuff though.

MuddyBoots · Nov 07, 2023 at 05:43 PM

Dr. P,
Super afraid to find out when my next appointment with you is. I'm afraid to see you after my last appointment. I am deeply ashamed of the events that took place prior to the appointment, in your office, and especially after I ran out. I look like a wreck, and I don't want you to see me and think that's representative of my mental health.
Although I want to get to the bottom of these tactile hallucinations. They are not fun to say the least.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,329 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,815 hugs given	Nov 04, 2023 at 07:19 PM #963 your response made me good-cry a little. thank you so much for saying that; it was exactly what I needed to hear.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,329 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,815 hugs given	Nov 05, 2023 at 08:34 AM #965 i'm really thankful that you continue to put up with me. sometimes i really wonder how you do it, because i have such a hard time putting up with myself.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,614 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,928 hugs given	Nov 05, 2023 at 07:45 PM #967 I don't know if you'll aprove or not. Or if you think its just more restriction stuff. Or if my doctor will have an issue with things too because of vitamins and stuff. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,614 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,928 hugs given	Nov 06, 2023 at 05:13 PM #969 Can I like you without it being transference? You don't suspect a thing. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

Elio ............... Member Since Sep 2006 Location: in my head Posts: 2,912 17 8,779 hugs given	Nov 06, 2023 at 05:47 PM #970 At this moment - I hope I never hear from you again. I am so angry and hurt.

MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 4,477 (SuperPoster!) 3 5,028 hugs given	Nov 06, 2023 at 07:10 PM #972 J, next week can we have some sort of open discussion with S about what he should do should me living with him become too much, if my mental health is a wreck and I'm too much trouble, if I become a danger, etc.? I don't want to ruin him like I ruined my family. __________________ Live life for nothing but that sweet sweet melody.

Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,408 8 1,316 hugs given	Nov 07, 2023 at 06:51 AM #973 Dear T, Sometimes you are so unbelievably f*ing useless. If I paid for quality of service received you'd have lost 40% off your fee by that one line alone. Honestly, what the hell are we doing here? We are supposed to be making things better, not worse! Fk off back to your little hole and leave me alone, please!

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,329 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,815 hugs given	Nov 07, 2023 at 09:29 AM #975 i'm feeling pretty happy this morning, L. I was struggling with some difficult feelings on Friday and have continued that work in my journal since then, and had yet another aha this morning while writing with regards to why I keep coming back to therapy. Huh.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,614 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,928 hugs given	Nov 07, 2023 at 12:53 PM #976 I sent a message to my pdoc about the med I went off of. Then I see one of my doctors tommorow and I have to come clean to him about something that may get me into a lot of trouble. Then I might as well come clean to you about my dieting while I'm at it. Fun week. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,614 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,928 hugs given	Nov 07, 2023 at 03:37 PM #978 I was watching Sesame Street with my niece this morning and you're not even to be lying when you say you'd rather have me watch that than CNN. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,614 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,928 hugs given	Nov 07, 2023 at 04:34 PM #979 Now I'm worried you have found me on this site. You haven't replied to my email. You did say you'd be busy though with stuff and may not answer. The stuff I've said on here is pretty fireable stuff though. __________________ Ridin' with Biden