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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 01:51 PM
  #341
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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
I really don't want to meet today. I want to sleep. I'm very tired and I'm coughing and hacking up phelgm and I don't see how today would be productive. But you have that super strict cancelation policy. Just know that if I'm not doing my best its me whos the one with the issue.
Well, today was not very productive at least to me. I think I got so close to throwing up and I just shut down at the end because the ipad was digging into the area I'm having the pain in. My issues aren't excatly therapy related and I don't have a lot of anxiety about the procedure on Thursday. But it was nice talking to you about how sometimes I keep my anxiety inside until it explodes. And you saying how you have to release it a bit at a time.

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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 02:01 PM
  #342
Dear T,
It was nice seeing you in person again--I guess it had been 2 weeks between your schedule and my Covid.

I'm not sure how to feel about your bringing up the "I love you" thing. I know it was in the context of my writing. But it's interesting that I completely avoid even saying the word "love" when referencing that, whereas you actually said "the I love you." Maybe I need to write about it to really figure out what I'm feeling?

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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 04:17 PM
  #343
We talked today about the different degrees of the Holding It Together question.

I'm exhausted, but I still find myself asking the ultimate version.

Who the **** am I holding it together for, really?

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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 08:22 PM
  #344
I just wrote a poem about my refusal to do what you suggested last week. It's funny (strange? annoying? interesting?) that I really sometimes don't know how I feel about something until I start writing about it. I knew I felt strongly about not taking your suggestion, but if you'd asked me why I didn't want to, I wouldn't have known how to explain it. But I understand now. What I love so much about poetry is that so many of my poems seem to take on a life of their own, to write themselves, or some invisible force writes them, once I get the first line... it's that first line where I sometimes get hung up. But tonight, I got the first line after a few false starts, and as usual once I knew it was right, the rest of the poem flowed from there. Maybe I'll share it with you on Friday. Or not.
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Default Jun 06, 2023 at 01:19 AM
  #345
The first anniversary of J's death has already passed and now she's been gone 16 months, that just does not seem possible! What also doesn't seem possible is how much she is still in my head and my thoughts. It's not that I want to forget her, I just don't want to feel haunted by her memory. I wish so much that I could have talked to her one last time. But of course I can't bring myself to tell you that. It still feels too weird talking about deceased ex-T with current-T.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

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Default Jun 06, 2023 at 04:46 AM
  #346
I swear to God if you cancel this week and we don't do this pros and cons chart I'm going to get black out drunk and leave you a million messages saying what a bytch you are.

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Default Jun 06, 2023 at 12:05 PM
  #347
I felt so tired this morning.
On reflection it was more mentally drained.
Seven more sleeps until we can talk about it.

Of course, I might email if I can find the words.

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Default Jun 06, 2023 at 02:22 PM
  #348
I should tell you about why I read so much. And how I've read 39 books since November 2020. And that I barely read anything before that since 2015. I think you would find the reason pretty interesting.

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Default Jun 07, 2023 at 07:51 AM
  #349
What an interesting conversation we had in my head last night. Hmm.
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Default Jun 07, 2023 at 05:35 PM
  #350
E: I am regretting this decision. I want them back. It was a little reassuring that she said she wants to continue working on trauma with me.

T: Same fear with you. I think I am going to lose you first.
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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 12:23 PM
  #351
Roll on Tuesday.
May I be able to take my armour off so that we can have an honest conversation about how this experience has been for me.

Two years seems a lot harder than the first anniversary.

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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 01:06 PM
  #352
Dear T,
Totally losing it and sucking as a mother and wife right now... Also failing at the drinking goal today (well, on track to fail on it), but maybe today will be one of the two days that don't count.

I do think part of why I'm upset about losing lots of time for work today--and potentially Friday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday--is that I'm trying to get back on track with writing, and having D in the house doesn't help. We apparently should have just planned for the beach next week and done camp the week after. As I guess no on will be in school, and H will say it's fine for her to be home every day (I mean, your son is probably home, right? Maybe not. But I imagine he can also entertain himself at home, and you can still go into your office).

It's making me think my writing probably isn't valued, just in the same way I feel like more work ranks lower. He'd totally be on board with my taking a walk, but, yeah, not doing that in the smoke. But I also think that suggests he values that over writing. Which you seem to think is important. Guess I should try to do that for a few minutes before they're back.

Love,
LT
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Default Jun 08, 2023 at 03:09 PM
  #353
Wish there was someway to have a session tomorrow. Sometimes 45 minutes just isn't enough. Are you sure about the selective mutism thing?

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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 01:46 AM
  #354
Dear T,

It appears my mind is realising that first session back is looming. This extended two month break has reminded me that I can do life, without therapy. The work I did with Ex T put me in a really good place with regards to now having friends and hobbies and supports in place, and taught me largely how to have and to manage my emotions on a daily basis, rather than living life feeling numb and almost dead inside.

Because of the break I am sleeping better than I have done for a long time; I am not constantly preoccupied with my past; haven't had a nightmare at all; have more money to spend on treating myself and looking after my physical health and I am generally doing good.

I must say this is leading me to really reconsidering again what exactly I am doing in therapy. I mean, I know what I'm doing... I'm trying to find a way to confront and open up to my family about what he did to me. I'm trying to find a way forwards that doesn't include harbouring this secret. I'm trying to find a way that when I am with them I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. Despite what he did to me I do want a proper relationship with him. Is that f***ed up?

But I have been in therapy for what, seven years now? I guess we two years of COVID might not count. And I guess that I've only recently really started working on the trauma side of things, but so far it doesn't feel like anything has changed. It doesn't feel like anything will ever change and it honestly feels like I'm spending £600 a month to feel awful.

Am I better off just accepting that this is the way it is? That what happened, happened, and that it can never be undone? Am I better off just living the lie that we have all seemingly been telling ourselves? Keeping the secrets hidden? Am I better off trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't get over this, and the possibility that that means I can't have the kind of relationship with him that I want to have?

My mind is thinking again, and I don't like it.
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 10:59 AM
  #355
I know there are no prizes for holding it together.
It's also getting harder and harder to do.

Today's follow up hospital appointment triggered a shame spiral.
I know this is all a product of not coping well, but how the hell are you supposed to cope when your world turns upside down?

And how do I explain to someone who isn't you that I forget I exist below the neck on my worst days?

I didn't want to be there, even though she was well-meaning and friendly.

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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 02:11 PM
  #356
You said on Monday "I'm always just an email away." And you have been for the most part.

I left my house today to do some shopping. I went to a lot of stores that were crowded. I sucked at eating though. I just forgot and also yesterday was still getting to me so I am a bit off physically. Luckily I don't think I have any post procedure depression. I'm just tired mainly and my stomach and throat feels weird.

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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 03:27 PM
  #357
I woke up with a headache this morning.... a hot shower and tylenol didn't help, i think it's because last week's session left me with a t-hangover, and I sorta kinda don't want to come today. I'm still so ping-ponging between wanting more time and not. I feel like these coda meetings combined with the writing I continue to do may just be enough on their own, so.... oh we should just talk about it.
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 06:46 PM
  #358
Okay so today kicked booty, and I'm glad we scheduled through the rest of June. Next week, I want to talk a little about how things seem so different this time around.
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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 10:12 PM
  #359
E: You are right (of course) about me having to use healthier coping skills besides the one I am used to,
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Default Jun 10, 2023 at 08:49 AM
  #360
Morning L, so I had a rather stunning realization last night as I was journaling about yesterday's session. We'll see how this week goes 'being' with this information; I suspect I'm going to have a lot to talk about next week. I'm glad we went ahead and scheduled. I'm for sure gonna want to talk about this.
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