Communication difficulties

Even after all this time, I still have difficulty asking for what I need/want, and I'm evidently good at hiding it in emails too. Because although I have never expected a reply, there are times when I think it's obvious that I'm reaching out for extra support and hoping that I'll hear back from T, without explicitly asking.

Not sure what trying to say here.... except that maybe we need a code / shorthand for times like this. I'd rather not ask T to reply, because then it feels forced; but I know she's not telepathic, and right from the start I did say emails were just to get the thoughts out of my head so she could see what's going on for me.

I realise it's unfair to ask to change the rules halfway through, but if I say something is fine, she does tend to take me at my word and doesn't probe any further.

Does anyone else have problems asking for what they need, even in a long established therapy relationship?

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I think I do, yes, despite me thinking I'm pretty good at it!! Like you, I think it's obvious, or that I've asked for it, but I wonder sometimes whether I really haven't.

I used to have trouble, but I've gotten better at saying something like, with an email, "I could use a few words of support" or something like that. I've found that I need to be pretty direct with my T, as I sometimes think what I want is obvious from an email, but to him, it isn't. Like he'll respond to the less important part, or give me advice instead of support. So I've learned it's best to say specifically what I need. And also to keep my emails shorter and more focused.


I think the best thing to do is to have a discussion with your T about emails. In part to see if she is willing to respond. Maybe you could come up with some sort of shorthand together? Perhaps for you to say something at the end like "Support requested", just something brief so your T knows you want a reply (or to make that the email subject).

I have an extremely hard time asking for what I want/need, and it's one of the central things we work on.

Yes. I use to have an these needs fighting inside of me but they b greece made it to my mouth. The shame I felt always Kelly them hidden.
I look back now and think in all my yrs with T there was something I needed so bad from her but never got to ask or mention it. I seem to live in a big ole sigh...

Thank you so much for this post, East, as when I was in session today I could feel myself getting frustrated with my therapist. We had been talking about one of my core memories from my trauma, and then her line of questioning was taking me away from that. I could feel myself getting frustrated and struggling to follow her questions and answer her questions because they seemed totally irrelevant. Well, proud moment alert, firstly I managed to tell her I was getting frustrated. Then thankfully she asked if I could elaborate on that. Normally something I find very difficult, especially when I think it's blindingly obvious why I'm struggling, but thanks to this post I realised/remembered that she has no idea what is going on for me, and that maybe I need to tell her. So I drew a diagram to help me try and explain that my head was firmly still thinking about/processing/wanting to talk about the memory, but it felt like she was pulling me in a very different direction and I didn't like it. Well blow me down, she calmy said, let's go back there then!!!!!! Ha! That was so much easier than what normally would have happened, me feeling unable to communicate or feeling like she should know and getting upset with her and then it causing a rift and parts of me to come out that aren't so helpful etc etc. All I had to do was communicate with her what was going on for me. And even better would have been if I'd been able to say "can we go back thinkijg about x please?" I'm grateful she stepped in to help me on that but but proud that I managed to do what I did. Maybe it really does help!!

that’s great, waterbear! i haven’t been able to verbalize it when it’s happening, but my T is very astute and somehow always knows to ask or say something along the lines of “what would be most helpful for you now? Should we keep going with this, or focus on something else?”

Then out of the blue, T really steps up when it mattered.

I had to cancel my usual session this week due to circumstances beyond my control. Then a work related crisis happened and I emailed T to put her in the picture, not expecting a reply because I knew she was off for the rest of the week and had family visiting.

Yesterday she texted me to ask how I was coping and offered a half-hour session to discuss this particular thing.

Her experience / intuition told her that I was really struggling with this issue, and needed extra support.

How can a T go from one extreme (being late for sessions, multiple interruptions, not seeming present with me etc) to another, where she is really tuned-in to my distress and offering just what I needed at that time? It's almost like working with two different people.

Therapy is just weird.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

"A broken [stopped] clock is right at least twice a day". They're human. Even the best of them can't always guess or assume correctly.

I have a hard time asking for what I want. I've worked a long time identifying what my needs are. And I still have anxiety about being direct. My problems are boundaries, limits, and fear of abandonment. If I knew that something was okay to ask for, I am able to use my words most the time. Sometimes L has to encourage me or prompt me. Directness is one of our 2023 goals.

I have a hard time with this too. I hope your therapist is being helpful (most of the time anyway). I guess it can help to remind ourselves they are human Yeah, maybe she is guessing or assuming wrongly some of the time...

Yes. Fear of rejection is behind my fear