Couch 244: Great Expectations

All of your jokes are funnier.

that makes me wanna sing "camoollamoomoo what'd you do do" to the tune of conjunction junction what's your function hahaha!

well we are wrapping up the 6 week "writing your way home" course... the private fb group comes down tomorrow. I need to make sure I get all of the comments to my shares copied into a word doc. this is the 2nd time I've done this course; the first time i did it, i didn't dive in nearly as deeply as I did this time around, and I didn't share near as much in the group then either. I think it has a lot to do with how different therapy has been with L since I went back at the end of January. I can't really explain the difference - other than I'm so much more willing to really look at myself than I have ever been before and have done a lot of good work since I went back. The stuff I've been writing, I've also been talking about some of it with her; some of it, the writing itself has been the processing. The huge-est thing I learned from this course: is that I MUST continue my writing; I cannot allow myself to stop. It's an integral part of who I am at my core. Even if I think it sucks, even if it DOES suck; it doesn't matter. I must continue because when I stop, I lose the part of myself that exists to write. If that makes any sense. I also realized yesterday that this whole drama thing - L told me a long time ago that I seem to need drama - which I always (dramatically haha) denied until recently I see and admitted that she's right - but I realized that I can have all the stinkin' drama my little heart desires by channeling it into my writing - where it doesn't have to affect my life. I've already started a new story drawing from my experience living with my alcoholic ex. This course was definitely worth the $$ and then some.

Next up - a poetry workshop starting June 6.

i am not a goal-maker type of person, but I did have one goal this year, and that is staying out of inpatient. and this time around, if i go, i have to tell my parents bc of the situation i am in. how do you do that? i have spent 42 years blocking any emotion besides “i am fine.” Now I need to tell them that actually am not ok? That I most likely need to go inpatient for more care. Oh yeah, and I’ve been seeing a T for awhile. She wants to talk to you.

I don’t know what to do. my mom called today to tell me she’s coming down this weekend. under normal circumstances, this gives me a lot of anxiety. And I am not in normal circumstances.

TW:SH

Sending big hugs, Velcro.

I get not telling your parents much about your mental health. Once, I mentioned a therapy appointment to my mom (who has very obvious anxiety issues herself), and she said, "I thought you'd done with that by now." That was like 8 years ago... And once she said, "If you had a best friend, you wouldnt' need a therapist." Which not only isn't true, but made me feel bad for whatever happened that my former best friend vanished from my life 12 years ago and I haven't managed to make a new one (it's difficult as an adult). So I don't tend to talk to them much about it.

In terms of telling your parents if you end up going inpatient, they know what's going on with your feet and losing your job, right? Maybe they would at least somewhat understand how much stress that puts on you.


Could you tell your mom that this is a bad time for a visit? Is she staying with you?

I would get some long sleeve gauzy sun shirts in light colors (they don't have to be expensive at all) - I wear the wicking sun shirts whenever I go hiking to keep bugs and to keep sun off of me (I am a super pale/sunburny sort and skin cancer is a real thing) = put it to your mother as a health thing if it comes up

That’s great advice SD. I never would have thought of that.

LT-I did quickly mention that i had a therapist to my mom when i was telling her all of this. so she probably knows that bit. she went to therapy for a long time, so i think she will get that part.

i just don’t want to be so vulnerable (eww) with my family. and telling them i can’t handle life right now feels like it’s shredding my body open. And it’s supposed to be a good thing!

hugs, velcro.

well I told both of them tonight that I am going inpatient soon. besides the fact that my life has fallen apart, it mostly bc of the trigger warning I used earlier.

Hugs, Velcro. I hope they reacted with compassion.

TW: a little SI talk, and lots of talk if possible abuse of meds….








thanks lt-my mom (expectedly) started crying, asked if
I was s**cidal, and i told her no, which mostly true. I had to reassure her that i don’t spend my time in therapy blaming her. Anyway, she seemed better by the end of the conversation. I don’t even like this idea of being more emotionally supported by them. I’ve kept them afar for 42 years.

My dad was cool-he was like “good for you.”

I must say I never would have expected for me to tell my parents anything remotely emotional, and then i start with a “oh hi. i’m not handling all of this well on my own. i need to go inpatient” that’s a lot.

I did okay for a little while after. Pretty tired. I opened up my prescription of ambien (which the next refill is on the 31st) and i had like 4 left. I immediately panicked. One, I have zero recall of taking so many. I know these past few weeks have been under extreme duress, but that triggered a huge panic attack.

A slight back story on that. When I saw my psychiatrist a week or two before, he sent all new prescriptions to a different pharmacy; it would be cheaper w no insurance. I also had one refill left at old pharmacy, so i picked it up bc they put them away after a certain day.

then i went to the other pharmacy the next day, and figured that if ambien is so cheap w insurance, it would be relatively cheap without it. So i picked it up-leaving me with two bottles of it. it wasn’t some grand plan to cheat the system, i honestly didn’t think that much about it.

fast forward to tonight. I open my bottle from the first pharmacy, and there are like 5 pills left. This is supposed to make it last until the 31st when I can get a refill.

Instant panic attack. Major. What the hell happened to those pills?? Now, sometimes if i am up in the middle of the night for an hour or two, i will take an extra .5. That has always worked.

Now, bringing it back to the fact that I had two bottles
of it, both picked up close in days. In theory, if i run out of one of the prescriptions, at least I had my back up bottle-by the way, this was NOT my intention at all. I was thinking cost when i picked it up.

So i count the 2nd bottle, and it has enough for two weeks, which is where I am eventually getting
to the point of this is, when i get to Wellness (my ONE goal for this year was not going back) and they count the pills and realize I should have more in there. I have enough for two weeks, which is how long the program is. But I am sure they will call my psychiatrist to see what’s up. He and the nurse at the place will realize I should still have a full bottle of the ambien. I know this is a possibility with ambien. you take too much, and weird things can happen.

My psychiatrist doesn’t really want me on the ambien, but he’s kept me on it bc i’ve been in a crisis the last three times I’ve seen him. I am sure the psychiatrist or nurse will ask me about all of this, and what frightens me is that he will take it away. At a time where I am under extreme stress. It hasn’t been nearly as effective recently. But i’ve never been riddled with panic in general, and for a sustained period of time. so maybe why it’s been less effective? I don’t know. All i know is that I had a really bad panic attack about this whole medication thing.

I don’t know what to do. Go in, don’t say anything, and see if they bring up any discrepancies to me. Like
they will look at the filled date, see that I should
have X amt in there, but there is only Y. This place calls your psychiatrist anyway, so of course they will see
that. And he will also see I should still have plenty from the first pharmacy i went to.

the only logical conclusion i didn’t oversleep. i took my first dose at 1:30am. At 5:30am I realized I wasn’t going to go back to sleep, so I cleaned the apt, which needs to happen bc my landlord will be in here to replace something in the next few days.
I felt fine. Normal

But it’s freaked me out. I know this is a potential side effect of the drug. And I am so afraid he’s going to tell Wellness to not let me have any during my stay there, and cut off the refills I do have. I absolutely will panic. That is the only med i tried that works95% of the time. I’ve taken for years without incident. I think it probably is bc of the stress i’ve been under for months. and the uncertainty of how my life will go, next.

So that entire long post written at 7 am from being up all night (ambien didn’t help.) is to say-how paranoid am i being? that they will immediately get taken away from me. This will 100% cause a panic attack.

Hugs, Velcro. I personally wouldn't say anything about the Ambien and see if they bring it up. As for their potentially making you stop taking it abruptly, I don't think it's safe to stop cold turkey. So I imagine at the very least they'd wean you off of it. And hopefully give you something else to help with sleep.

About Ambien: I used to think it was great. It was a controlled substance, it had to be the best. Like you Velcro, it didn't work all the time (probably because I was developing a resistance to it and needed a higher dose). I reluctantly told my pdoc. She put me on Doxepin. I have never had trouble falling asleep since at that was years ago. I'm not saying you should try Doxepin. I do think there might be better, and more importantly, safer drugs out there.

I have so much to say in tomorrow's session, and yet I can't seem to make coherent notes.
I can't tell whether this is a problem for me, or if it would be tricky for anyone.

My colleague is seeking training for us in a couple of specific areas.

She's approached one small organisation, and had no response.

Another member of the group put another provider into consideration, and I heard him mention R by name. That put me in the position of having to explain that she is my therapist.


Struggling with the idea that my colleague now knows that I am in therapy and with whom.

Can you tell your therapist, so they can decline it from their side?

Thanks LT and Scarlet.

LT-Yeah I decided not to say anything. I have enough in the one bottle for the two weeks. Hopefully that will be enough. And yes. I did wonder if I somehow spilled them, but i know i didn’t. i always am very careful about giving myself meds and making sure
the cap is closed, bc of my kitties.

Scarlet-I have never heard of that. You are probably right that there are better, safer drugs. I’m just scared they won’t work. Ambien works 95% of the time, but i think it’s harder now bc I am in such distress.

Thanks, Scarlet. That's what I'm going to do...it's just a matter of getting the darn words out.

I have mentioned to colleagues that I am in therapy, but I work in a wellbeing and disability service so the culture is accepting of seeking help (in some ways, in others not).


I would not tell colleagues who my specific therapist is. That information is way too private for me to be comfortable with sharing. I also wouldn't have considered it necessary for me to tell my colleague that information. As Scarlet says, I would have contacted my therapist and explained to her so she could manage it - assuming she is ethical and understands your right to privacy and the limitations around dual role.


Is the issue that you feel you have overshared (ugh, that is such a horrible feeling)? Or that what should have been straightforward has become unnecessarily complicated?

I want to add, I don't think there is anything dramatic or distasteful about sharing the identity of your specific therapist. After all, that is your information to share. I imagine it would be uninteresting information for a lot of people to hear and I can also imagine that some clients would want to share that information as a kind of pride or something similar. (I want to say showing off, but that sounds really judgemental which is not what I mean. A kind of showing off which is actually something positive and empowered).

Thanks for your thoughtful response, Comrade.

You've actually managed to identify both strands of this experience.
Initially I felt uncomfortable because of the 'complication', and in the aftermath the oversharing was the uncomfortable part.

I had the conversation with R today, and she seemed to appreciate the way I handled it.
It wasn't something she'd considered before, so she now has that knowledge to take into supervision.

We'd not had the conversation about running into one another because she lives in a completely different area...but this prompted that too.

As usual, I overreacted.