Couch 244: Great Expectations

Looking forward to this evening's CoDA meeting in about 5 minutes. hearing others share about their own experiences with codependency is so helpful. i told L the other day as I'm listening to people share, it's like I'm seeing myself all over everything they say. it wasn't like that last time i went to meetings like 5 years ago. I never knew what to say back then. It's more than a little telling that when I stopped going to meetings 5 years ago, I stopped doing the workbook at the "fearless moral inventory" step. I totally wasn't ready to do that back then. My excuse then was work, but... I could have found a different meeting - I just didn't want to do the hard work of the fearless moral inventory.

I've only been to 2 meetings before tonight's, but already it feels so very freeing talking and sharing with people who are struggling with the same thing. It just explains so much for me. I think tonight I'll introduce myself as a "gratefully recovering codependent" instead of just as codependent. I'm claiming my recovery - as I told L the other day. I think I figured something out - how to "do" things like this - by claiming it, by saying that I'm doing it while I'm doing it - instead of saying "I will do it tomorrow" or whatever. I claim it now and I do it now.

I don't know if I'm making any sense so I'll hush and go get my coda books and get ready for the meeting.

Wow, LT.

I'm stunned that your parents made that leap of logic.
If D can do something she enjoys and also keep fit, then surely that's a win?

Also, if karate camp is a new activity for D, then it's unlikely that the two things are linked.

Also, isn't part of the point of martial arts that they teach you controlled movement and increased awareness of your body? I have always understood that there is a focus on your body's strength, capacity but also how it is linked to your spiritual and inner experience? Like mindfulness, intentions, etc. Seems like these might be useful things for someone to get in touch with if they use their physical strength in unkind ways. I mean, in the case of a child with additional needs, kicking and stuff is likely rooted in other stuff like communication difficulties and so on. It's not like karate camp has the aim of churning out thugs.

And also, the more girls who know how to use the strength of our bodies, all for the better. The revolution won't happen if we are a legion of wimps and wallflowers!

I am going on my first solo camp of the summer tomorrow. Three nights camping next to a loch for swimming, reading and thinking. Maybe a bit of writing, maybe a bit of therapy reflection, maybe a bit of walking. Definitely lots of campfire eating. I am really looking forward to the peace and time alone. I have just spent a few days with my best friend and her family (which I love but it also takes its toll on me, I feel relationally exhausted); I am starting a new job next week at a high ranking university (I am happy to have achieved this, but I am feeling inferior and intimidated before even starting); I am due to see my mother in a couple of weeks which is traumatic (I am currently doing work in therapy about possibly ending that relationship and being no-contact rather than partially estranged so it feels particularly loaded at the moment). Yes, I am looking forward to peace.

LT, I strongly disagree with your parents. I used to do Karate. If it's a camp where they do anything right at all regarding the sport, it is a very respectful environment where you do not learn "to kick people" but to control yourself and use your force in a controlled way.
She probably learns where to kick so that it does not hurt or kill the person. How to kick so that it doesn't hurt herself either. But most of all how to show respect and have your body under control.

During my time in the dojo, I met a lot of people who I'd say were "difficult" kids. They even sometimes gave interviews for newspapers. They all reported that it helped them to have a place where they can hit and kick some stuff, so that they can release their emotions and then in normal day life be more polite and understanding, which is the other side Karate teaches you. I think if anything, it helps your daugther be more understanding of both herself and others.

The argument reminds me of "violent video games make people shoot others". No, they do not, they might even help prevent some attacks by giving people a sense of community and a valve for their feelings.

Agreed! And I told them that she was doing some kicking in school before she had that camp last summer.

This is a good point--all of it really. And actually, the camp she's in (just a week) is called "Girl Fit" and focuses on fitness and health in, well, girls. It seemed to have a rather empowering message.

Funny thing from today--I was talking about this with Dr. T and saying I thought she was just kicking, not doing some specific karate move. Then I did sort of a karate chop thing in the air. Dr. T (smiling): "Can I see that again?" Me: "No."

I hope you have a peaceful time. And I completely understand about it being exhausting to spend extended amounts of time with others.

Congrats on the job, too!

And I hope you make whatever decision about your mother that serves you best.

Thanks, CNS! It helps to hear about your experiences with it, including what the "difficult" kids said. I've also heard many times that it's great for autistic kids. But we're (H mainly) unsure how D would deal with the noise part if she were in a regular dojo (the camp was in a middle school gym). I guess the only way to know is to try it out....


I took karate for a few months maybe 15 years ago--I was not very good, though I wish I'd stayed with it longer. I was too afraid of holding the class back. I wasn't good at memorizing the various steps.

I think it would be good positive reinforcement. If she can respond to instructions to do something she likes and wants to do, this could really open stuff up for her. Like if the kicking is from frustration, a boxing bag could help relieve it.

Thank you LT

The poetry writing course I signed up for starts tomorrow, yay! I'm having trouble getting back into the swing of writing every day since I was on vacation, so this course should help.

hugs/headnods all around as needed/wanted/appropriate.

oof. the feels, they are big tonight.

morning couch! i have a full day of webinar training at work today (and half day tomorrow) some upskill training thing. the trainer just said she'll be starting in 3 minutes, to give everyone a chance to log on so I have a minute to pop on here and say hello, and send hugs/headnods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

Off to my training....

ugh we have been doing introductions for a solid hour already in this training... and the trainer is like overly enthusiastic and way too bubbly yeesh, it's gonna be a long day!!

Well since Social Security kicked me off of disability I have been picking up whatever hours I can (luckily the past few weeks we've had one on maternity leave, two on vacation and one has worked there nearly 40 years and is just sick and tired of working and has a lot of available PTO time. so I've been working full-time. Unfortunately, the hours have dried up for the foreseeable future. I talked with my boss and asked if I could potentially work in another department and make it full-time. He said he'd talk to the directors of the other departments and see what they need.

I got off work at 1pm today. My boss called me at 4pm and told me that a full-time, Mon-Fri position had opened up unexpectedly. He wanted to know if I was interested. I said YES. He said I'll have to interview for it of course, but here's keeping my fingers crossed.

Hope you get the job!

Wishing you all the best, Polibeth!

I got a new pillow and man did I sleep like a log last night. I should have done this long before now, gotten a new pillow I mean!!

My therapist is flying to Europe today for three weeks. I'm trying to deal with the anxiety this is bringing up for me, but it's hard.