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ScarletPimpernel
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Default May 05, 2023 at 06:39 PM
  #1
The topic about past extended reminder being taken away was brought up again today. I really hate talking about it. It's one of the few things from my history with L that still stings. Actually, the only thing I can think of right now. I just don't think any processing will make it better. We can't go back and change it. And I understand why it had to end. It's just that she rushed me to give it up. She says she told me it was temporary, but I have absolutely no memory of it. I believe her still. It just hurts.

Are there just somethings in therapy/life that just won't heal no matter how much it is processed?

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Default May 05, 2023 at 08:11 PM
  #2
I’m not sure. I supposed it depends what you mean by “heal”.

Can we move past, changed due to the fact it’s happened, but be ok with that? Sure…

Will we forget about it? I don’t think so.
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Default May 05, 2023 at 08:20 PM
  #3
I guess by healing I mean where it doesn't sting anymore. And where it doesn't cause me anxiety about her taking other things away from me unexpectedly. She says she won't, but I'm having a hard time trusting that.

Btw, this happened maybe a year ago, and it still bothers me.

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Default May 05, 2023 at 08:23 PM
  #4
I do think maybe there are some things that will just never heal. With my T, there is a conflict over a financial thing related to insurance that's really complicated. We've both heard each other out, and I think we each understand the other more than we did in the initial conflict in the fall, which was pretty ugly. But I don't see us ever agreeing on it. So I think it's something that I just need to kind of accept, even though it still hurts me how it was dealt with. And I still disagree with his viewpoint on it. So I think that may just always be there.

And there are a couple other things with him from the past where I don't know that doing any more talking will help. So I just put them in the back of my mind as best I can and try to focus on the areas where he's consistent and dedicated and supportive. But they can get triggered from time to time (like his reaction at one point to my saying I loved him).

I think this is the case in other relationships, too, past and present. I wish that everything could be resolved and healed, but I've come to realize that may not be realistic.
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Default May 05, 2023 at 08:29 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
I guess by healing I mean where it doesn't sting anymore. And where it doesn't cause me anxiety about her taking other things away from me unexpectedly. She says she won't, but I'm having a hard time trusting that.

Btw, this happened maybe a year ago, and it still bothers me.
Personally I don’t think a year is very long to process something painful.
I think reflection is a very useful method in helping us to process. It’s quite difficult to reflect on something that causes you hurt and anxiety though.
I tend to overdo it sometimes. But questioning your thoughts and challenging them can also be helpful.

I hope that it becomes less painful and anxiety invoking for you
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Default May 05, 2023 at 11:20 PM
  #6
Some things will sort of always sting (maybe even a lot at times), but I think what I do is just acknowledge that it stings and that it’s okay if it does. Then I take a breath and continue on. I guess that’s a kind of mindfulness. Awareness. Acknowledgement. Acceptance that it is what it is. Life and relationships and loss are just that way. Change happens. It stings. And. It is what it is. And I can move forward even as I recognize the fact.

Part of getting older has been learning to be okay with things being uncomfortable, particularly things I have absolutely no control of, many of those things honestly huge and life changing. I do a lot less fighting change than I used to. I do a lot less panicking when I have no control. Lots of mindful acknowledgment of what I am experiencing. It’s basically me honoring my emotions without trying to fix them or run from them or stop them somehow.

It’s not about minimizing or ignoring what I am feeling. Not at all. But I don’t worry much about what I am feeling either. I look at it, say “yup, I see you feeling that,” and I let it pass on its own in its own time. (This was not something I could do years back. As my T used to say, I had huge control issues with my own emotions, and it was killing me. Reaching this place was healing, and oddly enough actually put me in control instead of constantly being in battle with my fears and emotions.)

I don’t know how I could have gotten through these last few years of huge losses if I hadn’t gotten to this place.

It happened. It stinged. It’s stinging again. That’s okay. The sting will ease on its own. It may sting again. That’s okay too. It was a loss.Loss and change can be difficult at times, but it will ease. It may come and go occasionally. That’s okay. Breathe in. Breathe out.
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Default May 06, 2023 at 12:05 AM
  #7
I love your wisdom Artley (even if I push back sometimes).

I don't know whether I brought it up or L did, I guess it doesn't matter, but I wish it never came up. I have 4 years with L, lots of foundation building. I trust that she abides by our "honesty first" policy. And I know she is not malicious. I typically don't think about it, but when it comes up, it stings real bad. And it isn't a situation that can be fixed. What's done is done. I just don't like that there's a big ouch between L and I. I guess that's the nature of real relationships? Being human? I just wish I could forgive and forget, move on, not be so affected when it comes up. I guess that too is natural though?

I am pushing through my impulse to push her away. I wanted to not write her (I write her almost daily) as a punishment. Sort of like "ghosting" her. But I know not to do that. It hurts me more than her, and I actually don't want to hurt her. So I wrote her tonight, explaining everything including the push feelings. I don't want to focus on this, but since it's come up, it needs to be acknowledged at the very least.

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Default May 09, 2023 at 01:54 PM
  #8
I think some things never completely heal. Like, if you have an injury, it might heal without a scar. Or with a scar (which is different tissue, that will react differently to sun light). Or with a bad scar that hurts you when the weather changes.


From my experience, what most people mean by healing is learning to live with the scars. Learn how to live with the judgement of others regarding them, the way it feels at different times, and how to look after ourselves to minimize the issues surrounding it. The balance of all these things is different from case to case, as far as I can tell.
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