The dream and the feelings.

As I've posted before. My 20yr therapy ended during covid suddenly. I had a chance to finally go back but id moved home and job and it would be a bit of a trek. I'm not sure that's the only reason. I had wanted to go back but I didn't want to go back too.. So I ended it without an ending sessions becuse I was scared of getting stuck back in again with all those obsessive feelings. .

3 yrs on and I message T with any life events that I have which isnt a lot and I know I read far too much into her reply whether it be is she really interested is she trying not to reply in a therapeutic manner is she trying to show me it's over so let it be over?

So last night I had a dream that I was stalking her. In the dream im ducking and diving trying to not be seen by her and then I wake up and it hits me the feelings I have for her still. That big lump of wanting her to still know me becomes just that, my hopes and desires. I can feel these as mine and T suddenly becomes a separate person that isnt living her life with the feelings I have about her.. I let go and lived.. The dream let me get to this part that's been trapped in me for the past 3 yrs. I saw T for what she was and not wanted I wanted her to be. I saw how she could do her job care but not care in the way I do. She's free, I was a prisoner to my own desires. I've been fighting and fighting and yet I'm the only one j km the fight. T carries on living her life. No point stalking her even if it is in a dream.

I hope I can get to a similar point of freedom. Wha you describe sounds like a great release or relief and interesting that this came in a dream - from your own (and free) unconscious. How do you think this will translate into life for you? Will you continue to contact her, for example? Or do so with different purpose?

What you have written resonated with me, but from a different place. My long term therapy ended abruptly and brutally almost a year to the day. A couple of months ago, I saw her in the street. It was deeply distressing for me. There was something about seeing her physical being out there in the world which was extremely painful. I remembered that she was a person, an embodied being which I loved. All my feelings of yearning surfaced and yet she was totally unaware (she didn't see me) and making her way in the world without me and without my feelings.

Thank you for sharing this. It is good to know that things change.

Glad it resonated comrade.
I wont be contacting her anymore. I feel I have permission to live MY life now.

That is such an important stage for you to have reached and, indeed, to be able to go beyond. Good.