L is pregnant

I knew this day would come. We've been preparing for it basically for 4 years. I even suggested to her that she start trying after she got married because of her age. And she told me that January of this year was went they would start trying. I've also noticed her wearing losser clothing and having to adjust her pants. NONE of this is a surprise.

And our session went good today. I was able to hold onto my authentic joy for her. I got to ask questions and requests. We have a good plan and even an interim therapist in mind. I'll list all the details later. It's all good things.

My jealousy that she will get to be a mom, and I can't isn't even an issue right now.

AND on the way home I broke down sobbing. Part of it is my fear of losing her. I'm also afraid that she'll love me less or I'll be less special or she won't want to be a mother-figure or nurturing towards me. However, I think I trust in her that none of those fear are true.

So I've had a long bit to think about it (2 hours drive in traffic) and I think I know what my problem is. She told me she's pregnant 20 weeks in. I thought she would tell me right after the first trimester! I now only have 4 months to adjust and prepare for her leave. I feel robbed of precious time. She said she wanted to wait to make sure the baby had all its body parts developed and was viable. I understand that, AND she knew I was expecting the 3 month mark. She should have corrected me that she would wait for the 20 week mark.

I'm pushing her away for now. I don't know how to get comfort from the person who caused me pain especially since it's a joy for her and a legitimate reason. I feel I need space from her. I need space from my anger. I just am hurting and scared.

When she first planned on getting pregnant, she thought 3 months is a good time frame. But when she hit three months mark she felt she she just isn’t ready. She could not possibly predict how she’d feel if it’s her first pregnancy.

Even if she knew you were expecting three months mark, perhaps when time came she felt she’s not ready for it. There might be ton of reasons why a woman might need to wait longer to reveal pregnancy. It is not out of malice .

I do understand it’s not easy for you but you still have plenty of time to adjust with her help. Don’t distance yourself. It won’t resolve anything

Hugs, Scarlet. I know this is really difficult for you, and understandably so.

In terms of why she waited, I wonder whether there was something in particular giving her concern about the pregnancy? For example, there are blood tests that can be given at maybe 10-12 weeks (it could be sooner now) that can show the chance of some sort of abnormality. But from my understanding, in some cases, they can't really confirm whether something could be an issue until further along, like maybe they have to do an amnio or wait for the anatomy scan once development is further along. So it could be that there was some sort of doubt, and she wanted to make sure? Or maybe she's somewhat high-risk for whatever reason.

I think you do need to express all this to her, but please know that her decision to not tell you yet likely has absolutely nothing to do with you. It could be that she held off on telling anyone except her spouse and, say, her mother or closest friend. And understand that she may not want to fully explain what made her wait. It also may be a case where she was waiting for what seemed like the right time to tell you, and it never seemed like the right time. But then she realized she *had* to share because she was starting to show.

I hope you can talk through this with her and feel better about everything. I imagine it will take some time, and no matter how well the discussion goes, you'll still have to deal with her taking maternity leave.

If you feel you do need a little time to process this without seeing her, then do what you feel is best. I'm sure she'll understand.

Also, would it be at all possible to have a session with T to talk this through?

Thanks LT. I'm actually texting with J (L's colleague) right now. I know I need help, but I don't want it from L. We're not discussing details, just feelings. I don't want to split them.

I'm sorry that this is so hard for you. Knowing that something will be hard when it inevitably happens doesn't always make the actual experience any easier, unfortunately.

I agree with what LT said about the timing of her sharing the news. Even if there were no concerns with this pregnancy, if she maybe had a very early loss before, she might be extra anxious about the reveal. It can be difficult to anticipate how fraught and stressful pregnancy can be until you're in the thick of it, so maybe she was surprised by her hesitation too.

As for the nurturing bit, I actually think it's likely that she will develop a deeper understanding of attachment and co-regulation and the importance of early childhood experiences once she becomes a parent. The process of raising a tiny human can really change somebody in remarkable ways. She seems very caring and deeply committed to her work with you so of course the break will be painful, but the resumption of therapy afterwards might be better than ever.

P.S. Even though you're hurting, I'm utterly impressed by how you're already trying to make sense of your feelings and work through your reactions. You seem like you're reaching for the right things: support from J, acknowledging your need for distance from L even if you ultimately don't decide to take it, using your wise mind. It's good stuff -- keep it up!

Maybe she didnt tell you earlier cause there was a convern about the pregnancy?

Thanks EM! I am trying. It's why I posted here, and why I'm texting with J. I'm trying to do the 'healthy' and 'mature' thing.

After talking with J, she convinced me to reach out to L. I did. Not because I wanted to. I don't. But because it was the right thing to do. I left L a voicemail saying why I was upset with her, that I was angry, that she took something precious away from me, and that I don't forgive her. J said she was proud of me. She said that forgiveness is not important right now. That I'm grieving and part of my grief process is anger. L will call me back in the morning. That's our routine: I call and she returns my call asap.

I really hope you're right about the change L might experience. I know parenthood changes people. It can bring out the worst and/or best. I just don't want to lose any of the good parts of her.

So L will remain in contact with me throughout her leave. It won't be consistent responses, but she will respond when she can. I can email whenever I want. J will update me when L has the baby and how she is doing. G will probably be my interim therapist. L chose him for me because she trusts him, he's kind, and he's a guy so I won't get attached. We will have an introduction session with him together where I'll get to ask him questions and get a feel for him. I get to buy her a pregnancy gift and a gift for the baby. She's going to get me a new transitional object. I get to take all our stuff with me except she's keeping my bracelet and her candle. And she plans on being back in 3-4 months.

Just to prepare you- until she actually gives birth her planned arrival back to work might ALSO take longer if there are complications and she felt she needed more time to heal.

I’ve had three T’s go on maternity leave: the fist two never came back and the third, my last T came back only to get pregnant again. She made a whole lot of false promises the second time which have resulted in me deciding to no longer see her (I’ve posted about this already so I won’t bore you with the details).

My point is I get how painful this is and I think Ts need more training on how to handle these situations rather than make promises they can’t keep. I hope you’re able to work through all your feelings before she leaves and that she stays true to her word.

Oh, yes! I understand that. The 3-4 months is her intention. She will keep me updated on her and the baby throughout her leave, so I'll be prepared if she needs extra time.

I'm sorry you went through all of that! L doesn't make promises. We agreed on that from the start because of ex-T. She just was telling me her intentions.

I will also add that when I had both of my kids, I was ready to get back to work part-time by about eight weeks postpartum. New baby land is great, but so is leaving the house and doing something that occupies your mind for a bit, assuming you have good childcare squared away. So three or four months might be completely reasonable if she's ready and healing well.

Promise is probably too strong of a word but my T did tell me her intentions . These included keeping me updated and also that I was welcome to send her any life updates while she was on leave because she’d “love to hear them”. Turns out none of that was true.

Yeah the thing is that everyone is different and it’s better not to have expectations how someone else will handle pregnancy or parenting. I think it would make a client more disappointed and anxious if she uses a guidelines of how other people handle it.

My daughter went back to work when my grandson was 11 months and it was very hard, but when she was pregnant she had no idea how and what things would go. I know someone who planned to stay home for few years but in reality she returned to work rather quickly because being stay at home mom wasn’t her thing.

I think it is very wise that t issaying what’s her intentions are. But what really is going to happen no one knows.

I felt for you as soon as I read the title of this post, Scarlet.

Even though there's no ideal way of handling this, I think you can trust that L will do the best she can.

I doubt it's easy for her either, knowing that is one of the main things you are dealing with.

What can you do for yourself right now to help manage these feelings?

I can't remember if you've ever mentioned journalling.

Anyway, I'm sending you strength to be able to deal with this, however it may unfold.

Take care,

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet. I agree with what Lost said especially: "Even though there's no ideal way of handling this, I think you can trust that L will do the best she can."

Sending you thoughts of peace and strength to deal with all of this.

Totally. I just wanted to add another perspective so that Scarlet didn't feel overwhelmed by the fear that there is no way L will be ready to come back in three or four months as she intends. It would have been a completely reasonable timeline in my experience but maybe not for other people. It also helps that I have an excellent co-parent who shared night wake-up duty equitably. Not everybody can swing that, and it helped me feel more like myself again much faster.

I appreciate both sides: the unexpected-ness and the hope.

I 'think' L's H will be a good dad. I know very little about him (my choice), but what I know about L, I'm sure she chose a good partner.

I try really hard to stay realistic, middle-ground. I try not to assume anything or try to predict, but they are still old habits I fall back on. It's hard when your past is screaming at you, and your fears of the future are as well!

I just have to trust L.

I did talk to her this morning. She explained more. Some of it felt like excuses at times, but I also know they were just facts. She apologized multiple times and told me that it's okay to be angry at her and not forgive her. She understands my side now. Like last time she took something precious away from me, it was because there wasn't clear conversations, just little drops of information.

I'm still upset.

AND I bought her a bola necklace for her pregnancy gift, and I bought yarn to make her a baby blanket. Now I must go re-learn how to crochet! It's been over a year since I last made a blanket.

I thought the issue isn’t as much as how you yourself feel but rather what are your child care arrangements, what you can afford and what is your maternity leave etc Nurseries are very expensive and it’s not easy to take a three months old baby to a day care. And not everyone feels ready to take an infant to a day care. And if there’s no family near by and your partner also has to work full times, then your options are limited.

In my example it wasn’t because duties weren’t equally distributed or there’s no good co-parenting, that certainly isn’t the case, but because taking a very young child to day care to be there all day long is not easy for many new parents.