Wise-mind has gone offline...

Objective and rational perspectives welcome.

I have been feeling ambivalent about my therapy and my therapist for a long time now. It's not that we aren't doing the work, we are.

It might just be me withdrawing because we're getting into the really difficult stuff for the first time since we've been working together. Or it could be that I'm trying to convince myself of a connection that I'm just not feeling. She says and does all the right things but.....

I know the obvious thing to do would be to have this discussion with T. Except the last time I brought up what I felt was a serious issue that was negatively impacting our sessions, she reacted badly and it caused a rupture in our relationship which although recovered, has never felt quite the same since.

An added complication is that T1 has unexpectedly come back Into my life after 3 years; and I feel like I need at least 1 session with her if only to see if I'd be able to work with her again. I know that's not being fair to my current T and the work we've done together, but this other issue has been bugging me since February, like an itch I just have to scratch. I need to know once and for all if going back is the right thing to do, or whether I should say goodbye to that part of my life and move forward. We didn't have proper closure and I've lived with that for 3 years; then finding T2 and subsequently losing her unexpectedly to a terminal illness. It feels too weird processing the loss of ex-T with current T, so I'm wondering if I'd be able to do it with T1.

I've arranged a phone call for Monday to discuss contracting and am thinking of asking for a one-off session just to see how I feel having contact with her again, or to get closure. Or is that a really bad idea?

Maybe I should just walk away from therapy altogether, but life outside therapy is totally s*** and I need that regular contact with someone who can help me process it all.

My head is a total mess.

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Do you feel like you're "cheating" on current T if you see T1? That's how I have felt with T and L... and even J. But both T and L have reassured me that they only want what's best for me, and only I know what that is. I have had a couple of sessions with T and monthly emails, and L is not upset or jealous or feel slighted. She actually wants me to maintain a relationship with T. And T didn't feel cheated on when I decided to have L as my long-term therapist. T also offered that I could come back if I ever needed or wanted.

You don't owe current T anything. If you feel you need or even want a session with T1, go for it. If you decide to return to T1, there's nothing wrong with that. If current T jas a problem, that's her issue that she needs to deal with.

That's my opinion anyways.

I don't think seeing T1 again is at all "unfair" to T3. You need to do what you need to do to get the care that works for you. Like Scarlet said, if T3 has a problem that's her issue to deal with. And if it impacts the way she treats you or if she even tells you that she feels upset about it, that's probably a helpful sign that she might not be a very sturdy therapist after all.

It doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Perhaps you do need to go back to see if it is right to stay or leave.

Do what's right for you.

Well that was just.... weird!

I had a short phone call with T1 whom I last worked with over 3 years ago, just to discuss changes to contracting. I was looking forward to speaking to her and in the brief call, felt immediately comfortable and at ease, so made a f2f appointment for the next day.

Next day in-person session (which was how we had worked for 4.5 years); I felt absolutely no connection at all, not very comfortable and when I came away, although glad I'd satisfied my curiosity, regretted going.

Wtf is that all about?

Wondering if it means that it's never a good idea to try and 'go back'.

I was pinning a lot of hope on being able to reconnect with T1 again and I'm so disappointed with how it left me feeling. I guess I wasn't expecting that.

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I'm sorry that the session wasn't what you were hoping for, East.

Also sorry it wasn't what you hoped. Is it possible you might just need more time to feel comfortable and connected again? Three years is a pretty long time to be apart.


Obviously, if you feel no desire to go back, then don't go. But if you're still at all wondering about it, you could consider another session or two to see if it feels any better.

I'm sorry the session wasn't what you were hoping for, East. I think, for me, I'd make another appointment in case you need more time....

(but then I gave a very unprofessional and abusive T ''more time'' to **** with me. Different situation entirely of course)

Hoping for you

I'm sorry it didn't turn out as you had hoped for.

Have you ever reconnected with someone else from your past? I ask because I wonder if something similar happened as well.

I personally have found that reconnecting is hard. There are things that are familiar like a laugh or the way they express themselves. But I have also found that people really can change. I've changed, they've changed. Sometimes it's like starting over. This is my fear with L going on her maternity leave.

I have reconnected with 2 therapists. First therapist, I saw for 2 years and then stopped. Then when she was transferring 6 months later, I saw her for a few times before she left. Everything about her seemed the same, and yet she was a stranger to me. I'm glad that I got to see her for awhile. It brought me closure. But she was no longer my T. Second therapist I reconnected/reconnect with is T. I email her once a month, and maybe once a year have a session with her (if I can afford it). Emails are fine, but in-person or over the phone is hard. I recognize her laugh and she looks the same. But it's like I don't know her. The attachment feelings aren't there. Maybe that's the difference: the attachment no longer exists, so the dynamic changed?

A break of 3 years is a long while, and of course so much changed for everyone in that time.

The only person I've ever reconnected with after a break was T2, but that was only a gap of about 3 months and as soon as we started working together again, it was as though the break had never happened. I was really hoping to be able to process the grief around her death with T1, as it's something I find impossible to do with T3.

I'm thinking I might try an online session rather than in-person and see how that goes. If I still feel as disconnected from the relationship after another session, then maybe that's my cue to call it a day with her.

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