Curious about T's approach to my suidical crisis

I love my T. I have been with him for years. Definitely been some ups and downs, and I usually feel like our connection is healing for me, however sometimes I question his approach.

I am doing better now but a while back I had a crisis. I was on the brink and pulled myself back, all on my own but it was like I was mentally restraining myself (like a mental straight jacket almost) for a while. I talked about it openly with T, about what was stopping me... barely. A few things, but the main thing, the most important thing was my young son, who I couldn't imagine abandoning like that, although in the depth of my crisis even that hardly registered. I had to dig deep to find it in the midst of it.

After I expressed what an epic regretful last thought that would be, and how it would not be the legacy I would hope to leave in the world, he responded by saying that if I did it, he would be ok. Time would heal and he could still live a happy life.

Curious what anyone thinks about that. It always struck me as cold and counterproductive. I was just barely clinging to life and that was basically my life line and he essentially, as far as I see it, tried to sever it. I didn't believe him, for the record. I don't think that my son would ever fully heal from it. I know that he loves to too much and is very attached to me.

Why would a T say such a thing? Is that some kind of method I'm simply not aware of? some kind of reverse psychology perhaps?

Your son would live a happy life? Or your T would? I'm guessing you mean he said that your son would have a happy life?

Sure, people can and do survive experiences of suicide in their relationships. But they WILL be forever impacted by it.

I don't know why your T would say such a thing. Not a method that I'm aware of. No one has ever told me that a person would be okay if I died. Well, except for themselves. L tells me my death would forever impact her AND she has good self-care and support that she would go on living a good life. But that's different. I do know that sometimes people might try to guilt you into living, but this isn't that either...

I would definitely talk to your T about it. Maybe it was a defense mechanism somehow? Somehow it was meant to be reassuring? It's best to talk it out because if you're ever unstable again, you'll want a more helpful response than that.

This seems really odd to me as well. Particularly because you were the one saying you didn't want to leave your son.

I can see how it wouldn't be helpful if you were saying something like, "No one would care if I died" and your T had said you'd ruin your son's life, almost like if he were trying to guilt you into staying alive (I can see how that would make me feel, at least, if my T said something like that about my daughter). But I'm not sure what purpose it serves to say the opposite? Sure, if you were dying of cancer and filled with guilt, I could see a T saying that your family would be OK. But for something like this? What if it made you think, "You know what, you're right, so I'm going to go ahead and end it."

I would definitely ask him about it. Maybe he had some other reason for saying it?

I'm glad you were able to come out of the crisis (I was there myself many years ago).

I’m guessing many things were discussed during your crisis. I remember weeks like that and certain statements stood out to me among the many ideas covered; I sometimes didn’t remember everything and focused on certain things. And sometimes I honestly misremembered or misunderstood what was said simply because my mind wasn’t terribly clear. Is it possible that you clung to that one statement but much more was also said? Just a possibility.

I do remember that my therapist wanted me to want to live for myself, not just for others, and I am pretty certain we had those discussions in the midst of the crisis. It was fine that I wanted to live to not hurt others, but that wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the end game; I had to want to live for my own sake. Perhaps that’s where he was going.

I’m glad you are doing better. Certainly talk to him about it. It is important to process the crisis time after the fact.

I was thinking along the same lines as Artley! That’s the only thing that would make it make sense to me (trying to get you to live for yourself)
If that’s not it well then it’s a very odd thing to say and you should definitely talk to him about it and find out where he was going with that statement

Thanks for the responses. He does believe that living for ones children is not healthy, and that we should put value in our own lives first. I know because of other conversations that we have had where that was said somewhat in passing, not necessarily the main topic.

It was not a case of misremembering the conversation, I'm sure of that. I have a very good memory in general and that was such a striking thing to hear.

While I agree that a healthy person should have their own reasons for life, I was not healthy and very much teetering on the edge at that time and, I just cannot fathom why he would say such a thing. It could simply be a major blind spot, maybe he had reasons like you are suggesting and couldn't see how important that thread to life was for me in the moment.luckily for me he did not sway me, but that might have done someone else in. Someone who take what their T says as authoritative, and it could have been dangerous if i was more like that. I think we both got lucky in that I found my reasons and stayed true to them despite what I see as a major misstep on his part.

You experiencing it as a major misstep is what really matters here, I think. Why he said it, what he really meant, the impact of suicide on others, and so on are sort of side issues. He might be able to explain his comment and it might make sense to him, he might have meant it with all best intention and care, but the fact is that you experienced it as a time of major misattunement when you were desperate for connection and contact because you were adrift. For me, that is what I would explore with him (what was that like for you, is that a common experience for you, etc) rather than the content of his comment.

For the record, I think it was a stupid thing for him to say.

Possibly this?:

"I'm such a bad person that I would even leave my son hurting. I'm so bad that I don't deserve to live. Therefore I won't."

versus

"What I'm considering won't hurt my son. So I'm not such a bad person, I always think of my son first. Maybe I do deserve to live after all."

Wow, that is an angle I wouldn't have thought of.

My depression, and that episode of crisis, however, do not stem from lack of self worth, or self loathing. They are mostly fear based, based upon ideas of severe pain of one sort or another in the future or looming disaster in the present, or near future. Sometimes it seems T forgets this, though.