Couch 245: STELLA!

It may yet come to that.

I always felt that i just could not, would not admit what was so obviously true. And finally, at the end of my working days, that it was somehow preordained that i should end up with nothing. I could not stand to HAVE anything. Partly because SHE would always try to take it away from me.

My family was so weird. They were the original pushmi-pullmi. Push me away yet not let me leave. Exclude me but demand my attendance. Your dance with fin reminds me of this, and of my penultimate t, who laughed at me for literally enriching him.

Hi everybody. I caught up on the couch. HUGS to Artie and Scarlet and Lemon and Una and anyone I missed that wants one.

Therapy went well last week. My therapist said I talked a lot more than usual and I was very vulnerable with her. (These are good things I presume.) And on Monday last week I went to the Walk In Crisis Center at my T's urging. It was actually pretty good. I have been scared of going there but it was pretty nice. I waited around a while (but I would have waited a while at the ER too) and the T or Social Worker or whoever she was that I talked to was nice and empathetic. She said I could choose to stay the night there if I wanted to but by the time I saw her my crisis was kind of passing (voices being quieter and stuff) so I opted to go home with my parents. So now I have another resource.

Also my sister said if I ever need to come live with her and her new husband I am welcome to (like if/when my parents are passed away which hopefully is a long time in the future). I was kind of worried about that so it's good to have a backup plan in case I can't do it on my own!

Texted my therapist today to check on her dog. She said she is much better. yay! We talk again on Wednesday. Except for her text tomorrow confirming my appointment for Wed.

HUGS to anyone who wants Kit

I think it depends a lot on the insurance. I have Cigna which only has a $15 copay. Again, I'm sure there are different versions of Cigna as with and insurance. I live in a big city and there are a lot of therapists that take insurance. I guess it just depends what you are looking for. My main goal was to find a trauma therapist who was qualified in EMDR. I was lucky and found a great one. I see him twice a week but I could never afford to pay more than $25 a session. If I had to pay 100-200 I wouldn't even consider going. That is just too expensive for me and I have a decent paying full time job. I don't know how some of you do it.

Thanks, slumber. That was really nice of your sister to say

Hugs back, Kit. It's good to hear that therapy went well last week, that you have another resource, and what your sister said.

Meanwhile I am sitting here staring at an email I wrote to L asking for a one-off session this week. Been staring at it for an hour now and haven't yet managed to press send. I want to but I don't want to.

L says if she had to pay what she charges, she couldn't afford herself. She charges $220 for 45 mins now? With insurance, I only have to pay $45.

It took me an hour and 23 minutes since I started writing the email, but I finally sent it. I'm such a dork.

(trigger for medical stuff)

Well that was quick. I'm going Friday afternoon.

You guys, I'm sorry if I'm making too big of a deal out of all this medical stuff. It's just that I'm not used to it - a fact for which I am very grateful. In the grand scheme of my 61-year-life I shouldn't be making a big deal about any of it. I suppose I've always been better at typing about things than speaking about things regardless of what they are.

Hugs, Artie. You definitely don't need to apologize for this, and you aren't making too big of a deal out of it. It's scary! It's not like you're on here talking about a hangnail or a papercut. Did you maybe get the message when you were younger that you should minimize medical concerns? (I know I did.)


I hope you'll be able to meet with L to discuss this and that she's helpful.

I agree with LT, Artie. You aren't making a big deal out of your health issues. There could be serious outcomes. Health stuff is scary, and you don't need to be alone in it.

Thanks LT. Yeah, you're spot on with the childhood message thing! She already responded, and we're meeting Friday afternoon.

Thanks Scarlet. I appreciate that. I haven't been talking to h much about it because all he ever really says is 'don't worry, everything will be fine'... while we're getting along really well overall lately, he just isn't super helpful with this kinda thing.

I agree. You're not making too big a deal about it. I'd be anxious in your shoes as well. We're here to listen.

Agree. Artie, not to say things arent serious, but we are lucky to be living now. We have the technology.

It might be useful to be clear and direct about what you want from him. Whether he is capable of it or willing to do it or not may be a different question. I wasn't the only person my person depended on - I was the main one and took care of the practical stuff and her but she also had a couple of close friends who were sort of secular humanist episcopal ministers and that was better for when she wanted to talk about spiritual stuff - for both of us really as I am completely aspiritual and I would try but it was not my strong suit and we both knew it and worked around it.

I like their custard tarts and also Flapjacks (not pancakes -they are oat bars that are delicious)

I have been eating crumpets by the tuffetful.

Crumpets are easy to make and tasty -so good for you