Couch 245: STELLA!

Hugs, Lost, I'm sorry...I can't believe there's nothing they can do? I hope you can get it resolved.

Hugs, NP. I hope it went/is going OK, that the gown worked out, and that nothing is seriously wrong. I'm sorry you had to miss therapy for it--do you see him again this week? I can't recall what your usual schedule is.

R was helpful again today--she was talking some about Internal Family Systems, with the exile (like the child part) and the protectors, then the self. It helped me think about things differently. Also about the place I want to get to, in terms of self-love, so that I don't need to keep trying to get it from the outside (not that love from others isn't important, but it also can't fill a certain void). And finding meaning. And a bunch of other stuff that I'm still processing.

I may be able to see her for a session at the end of August, when Dr. T tends to go away for 5-7 days for a particular event, so it's good to think that we could continue a conversation then. Or I could potentially schedule another time with her sooner, though I need some time to process what we discussed, I think (plus I'll be away for most of a week in August with my family).

And there's stuff going on with D that I wish I could talk to Dr. T about this week (as he knows all the background). It's hard because I'm just used to updating him so regularly. Over the weekend and earlier this week, I kept thinking, "Oh I can discuss that in our session," then remembering that's not until Monday, 7/31. Which I know isn't *that* far away. But it can feel like it when you're used to frequent contact. I'm halfway there, I guess? My goal is not to email him.

I'm also hoping it is going/went okay NP. It's annoying that they don't seem to make different sized gowns.

I'm sorry, Lost, it seems like there certainly SHOULD be something they can do about it. Not that I would know what, but dang! that sucks. I don't understand anything at all about this newfangled crypto stuff.

Well, I got 3 out of the 4 MRIs done. It was pretty awful. The scrubs fit although not very well. I tried to just not think about how awful I looked in them. Got into the MRI room, they situated me and started to shove me into the tube and I freaked out. They pulled me out. They had said I would be in there like an hour and a half and I was like no f'in way I can stay in that tube that long. Had a bit of a panic attack, started apologizing to everyone, then started crying. How embarrassing. After a few minutes, we agreed to maybe just do two of the exams so I was reinserted back into the machine. This time I managed to keep it together and they started the exam. They were talking to me via headphones and I had a panic button if I needed something. After a bit, I told them I thought I could continue and do all of the exams, but they had changed the thing that goes around your head and it would have to be changed back to do the 4th one, so I may have to go back and get that one done at a later date. Felt very shaky afterwards and I'm glad to be back home.

Ive had a couple of mri's, one on my knee and one of my head, and all theyve ever done is open like some back door with no lights on so i had no idea where i was or if i was in a confined space. I think they asked me beforehand if i was claustrophobic and pretty sure i answered yes. I swear one time i thought they were shoving me out to the alley, thats how sketchy the door looked. But they fooled me!

I need my power back on! I have a bike headlamp to get around the apartment with, but they wont even start fixing it until this next round of thunderstorms comes thru.

Sweetie, I think those were the alien kidnappers…

The expensive part of my recent body part replacement, in terms of what I had to pay, was the part of the open sided MRI that the insurance company wouldn't cover. It was worth it to me to do the open sided kind -which was still fairly claustrophobic

Oh I hope it comes on soon. I am guessing or at least hoping for you that Michigan isn't quite as hot as some other parts of the country right now. We're in a pattern right now we're 99 to 100° every day with a great deal of humidity so when electricity off it is dangerous. I'm pretty sure I would have to drive at least one of my dogs to a hotel because he would be in peril

My therapist had one done recently on his hip to diagnose a labrum tear and he said he took a nap while they did it. I'm gonna have to inquire if they stuck him in head first or feet first. I will say the noises didn't bother me and were a little trippy at times.

Oh yeah i looooove the mri "music"!!! As d*ck clark used to say, it has a beat and you can dance to it! I googled for recordings a few years ago but couldnt find any. I only found music to cover it up. Not what i wanted at all!

I'm exhausted. Processing my infertility in session yesterday plus only 4 hours of sleep... And I don't get to see L next until Tuesday.

Hugs, Scarlet. Can you get some rest today?

Hugs, if wanted. I'm sorry it was such a difficult experience. Hopefully, they got what they needed from those MRIs and you won't have to do the 4th. Do you know when you'll get results?

I don't remember music or anything much about the 2 I had in the hospital last month; then again I was out of my mind with pain for both of them so... well, I do remember I went in the tube thingy feet first.

I've read the reports on My Chart. Nothing stood out as problematic in them, but I'm not a doctor so we'll see what the ENT has to say.

Yeah. I'm probably going to take a nap after my phone call with L.

Hope your nap helps/helped, Scarlet!

It was only a 2 hr nap because H woke me up, but I am feeling a little better. More grounded.

The infertility stuff is really hard for me in general, and now with L pregnant... I've never had anyone to process it with. Everyone walks on eggshells around me with this. It sucks. And my house is not a safe place to cry because my dad and H do everything they can to make me stop. They don't care that I might actually need a good cry.

I am hoping to try to get pregnant one more time. H has an appointment in September to see about getting testosterone supplements? And I also have an appointment in September to see if I can get on fertility medication. I just have doubts about my appointment. I'm considered so high risk. From my age, diabetes, high bp, psych meds, and PCOS, plus already getting a huge cyst from the last time I tried meds. I just want to try one more time. I just want one more chance.