Couch 245: STELLA!

Oh ex-hankster fair! Will you be my monkey?

I could do.

Thanks Lost.

Do you consider your writing (outside of your work with the programme) to be an occupation? Is that informed by whether you are paid for it or not? Or is writing leisure?

I am asking because I have been reading about people taking part in (non religious) sabbaths, either day long or longer periods, where they are committed to no work activities at all. Something that I can't figure out is what counts as work for me. Sometimes everything feels like such a monumental effort that the smallest task feels like work. So, when I write, it definitely feels like work, even if there is significant emotional/psychological benefit.

I don't judge people who don't work, for whatever reason. However, I am finding it hard to let go of the safety, stability and meaning which comes with having a "good job". Do you experience anything like that or are you comfortably outside of these narratives?

Obviously, feel free not to answer or to PM me if you prefer.

I think this is one of the confusing parts for me - am I able to live life with less money? On the one hand, yes. I own my house, no children, I will be able to eat well and be warm. I wasn't loaded when I was working, but I could afford to go on little trips, buy stuff - the luxury things I will have to give up now. I think I romanticise the idea of living more simply and frugally. I like the simplicity and minimalism but I also like knowing that I could pay for a new boiler if I need one or that I have more life options than my family ever had.

I absolutely agree about performing tasks for other people (or in my case, completing tasks with any contractual obligation attached). I think there is a significant emotional resonance to having to work. No one likes doing things that they don't want to do and for me it feels intolerable. I think it conjures up my childhood experiences of abuse and having to do things I didn't want to do, I don't think I have moved beyond that wretched bind.

I wish I had a garden! I need to be alone a lot so I welcome that part of not working. As I asked Lost, do you consider gardening and cooking to be work or are these respite? Maybe things are not binary in that way.

If you are taking care of another person (never mind two adults!) you are working for sure, just in an unpaid capacity.

It's interesting that you talk about not leaving the house because I can easily stay in my house for days at a time and when my mental health is poor (like now), I can become reclusive. I find it hard to know where the line is with these things. Part of not working is me wanting to find space for how I truly am. Is it good for me to embrace being a recluse because it's my natural state or do I need to work (and there comes work again) at pushing myself into something which is considered more wholesome and healthy like leaving the house/engaging with others/being occupied? It's not clear to me. Do you want to leave the house?

Oh my god!! Here I am talking about how much spare time I have and you right out offer una the job, not even considering me and my monkey talents! Nepotism before our primate eyes. There is no way that una's arms are as hairy as mine and I have often been told that my bonobo arse is second to none. Well, the two of you get what you deserve. Don't come crying to me when una's trying to bail you out of the flood using a colander.

@@ does like her a calypgian characteristic.

Im sorry i havent answered the work question. Leaving work (20 years ago) was traumatic for me. I was traumatized before i left and started having nightmares which continued for ten years, waking up confused. For years i was sure i was still working but eventually came to realize i wasnt leaving the house, so how? When? Where? In sum, i think i am finally starting to integrate. Starting to accept how hard and weird it was.

There's no need to apologise, una darling. It's totally fine not to respond. I think work is a big deal for lots of people, far beyond the conventions of the ordinarily admired work ethic, and yet the negative effects are minimised, dismissed, accepted, even celebrated. I think work can be traumatising (more than that, it is fatal for some which is a ludicrous position to find ourselves in) and if you have already experienced trauma then the world of work can be overwhelming and arduous. I can definitely relate to how long it takes to integrate stuff and self, lifelong endeavour.

I'm a little confused about my dr's instructions to shower with an antibacterial soap last night and tonight. I mean I get it in theory of course, but... it's not like I'll be traveling to the hospital tomorrow morning in a sterile bubble, I'll be out in the world, so I'm not sure what the point is. I mean I'm doing it of course but... I suppose I should ask them about it tomorrow morning. It just seems curious to me... but then I'm also a good bit anxious about the whole thing atm.

I think, just my opinion, there needs to be a balance. What that balance looks lile for you is probably different than for me.

For me, getting put of the house is difficult like taking a shower. It takes energy that I sometimes don't have, but once I do it, I feel better. I don't think you need to join a club or group or anything to socialize. Picking up a coffee or tea or going to the grocery store and greeting the worker is socializing. Sitting in a park and smiling at people as they go by, for me, is socializing.

I locked myself in the house for 5 years. I literally didn't go out: not to doctors or grocery shopping. I stayed home and played tv and computer games. It was so bad that my neighbors didn't even realize I existed. H did everything or we got stuff delivered. That was my most unhealthy period in my life. So yes, getting out of the house is important for my mental and physical health.

Maybe to try to prevent the bacteria from regrowing? I think it's mostly to prevent staph infections. But then again, they don't have you shower before an emergency surgery, so... Idk.

It certainly depends on the day. Both of these tasks are things that you have to do every day. Sometimes I'm lazy and don't want to cook and might either have some leftover frozen stuff or might even order something. Or I just go outside and water the plants. Other days it's a great experience, taking in the smells and sounds from outside or of food that's on the stove. I try to be mindful of the things around me whenever I can, it makes most things enjoyable.

Regarding your antibacterial soap, Artie: there are different types of bacteria and different scenarios: there's the bacteria that live on your skin and you can kill those off by repeatedly scrubbing. There's bacteria that you'll pick back up from when you travel, but it will be less and will be more likely to die during cleaning before the surgery. There's other bacteria that you might get from other sources and those you don't get rid off by scrubbing at all.

You also don't get scrubbed down when it's an emergency, because the chance of you surviving if you just get a surgery quicker are much better even though you might get an infection.

Also, I don't know how this affects it, but since we have more and more antibiotic resistant bacteria, cleaning yourself so you don't get infected at all sounds good.

I think it's just a standard protective thing? I had to do that before my surgery years ago, and H had to do so before his hip surgeries last year. They'll also wipe down the area again where they're doing the actual surgery.

Totally understandable that you're anxious. Is your H being supportive at all?

ETA: CNS explained much better!

I'm going to answer this for myself, too. I'm an introvert and often just feel like staying in. But I also like being out and around people, even if it's just sitting by myself in a bar/taproom or coffee shop. The first 6 months or so of the pandemic were really rough for me, initially due to forced isolation (things being closed), then being afraid to go anywhere once they opened. (H and D were here, but I missed other people.)

It got so I basically became agoraphobic, where even stepping out on the porch made me panic. Dr. T helped push me toward little steps, like just going and sitting in my car for a few minutes and not going anywhere. I gradually got better with it. But it seemed like isolation sort of fed on itself and made it more difficult to go out.

Then, once I started going out more, I felt terribly awkward, like I'd forgotten how to interact with people (even like a server at a restaurant or someone bringing groceries to my car). I've now realized that being out fairly regularly is important for my mental health. Even if it's something like going to therapy in person, running to the store to pick up a few things, going for a walk. Where I'm not really interacting with many people, if anyone, but still being out of the house and out in the world.

But without actual reasons to leave the house (therapy appointment, grocery order is ready or otherwise need something at the store, etc.), it can be easy for me to just be like, "Eh, I'm just not going anywhere today." Which of course is fine--I don't have to leave the house every day.

For you, if you have a tendency to become a recluse (not that there's anything wrong with that, but you seem concerned about it), it could be helpful to set some sort of plan where you're due to be someplace at a set time, even once a week, for whatever thing that may be.

Even at my most depressed - the dogs still need walking. When my mother died suddenly - I just wanted to stay in bed for weeks -but the dogs still needed their 4-5 mile daily walk so I did it. I would never have dogs if I wasn't going to walk them (I have always had herding/working breed dogs -not always pure bred but even in the mixes I knew what the dominant breed was- and so maybe it would be different if I got a breed that was bred to be a lapdog) and take them out to do stuff to make their lives better like running, playing with friend dogs (not the same as living with another dog), swimming (not the ones I have now - they hate water but ones I have had in the past liked swimming), and just exposing them to stuff so they are not little twitchy freaks like my blind twitchy boy who had no socialization until I got him. Even with the cat I have to go outside to clean up dead field mice and such

Re showering instructions - yes but street germs arent going to fly up your pants leg. Its the cooties we all have on us all the time. Millions live in your nose. i think i studied this in nail school.

Re being alone - i feel like my interpersonal skills have improved recently. Like i dont get all mad and hyper trying to navigate stuff, like my eye surgery. Im just calm and assertive and pleasant. And i have a bridge in brooklyn to sell you...

Some surgery so called rules are just stupid and wrong - like no drinking water after midnight - no matter when surgery is scheduled - so the same instruction whether you were scheduled for 6 am or 1 pm which makes no sense at all. When I had my replacement surgery the materials all said that about water and I looked and researched and saw that was no longer really the case (in fact - one surgeon I almost used had instructions to drink 2 bottles of electrolyte drink (gatorade and such) in 2 - 4 hours before surgery) -so I asked the anesthesia guy when he called and said I wanted to do that because of the benefits and he said okay and I did it. But I did do the two shower thing with their special soap =the night before, newly washed sheets the night before, and another shower the morning of surgery as well as the wipes at the hospital.

thanks for the explanations y'all. I think maybe i might just be choosing to focus on that part instead of the rest of it. heh.

and oh yeah i had to do the clean sheets thing too and I just looked at my instructions again, one paper adds the shower that morning and the other doesn't ha. I will anyway as i need a shower to wake up. also they said no food or water after midnight but then also i was told to take my thyroid meds with up to 4 oz of water so... they just like to confuse people i think

Artie, I just wanted to say that I hope everything goes smoothly for you tomorrow and that nothing serious is found. Sending hugs.

Thank you LT! I appreciate that!

I would say i am probably gonna die of cooties, but my mom said in italy they had to push the bugs to the side as they drank water, so she always scoffed at me when i complained about her (lack of) housekeeping skills. Like just washing the top of plates. That one still kills me.

I think children need to be exposed to dirt and germs to help them develop. All the anti-bacterial stuff has caused problems I think. My grandmother always said person needed to eat a peck of dirt while growing up

My doctor parents would agree with this.

Food fell on the floor? Go ahead and eat it.

All day long I have been wondering, when colleagues are nice to me, how do I know they’re not just doing it because being nice to the deaf person makes them feel good?