Couch 246: Choose Change

Lemoncake · Oct 23, 2023 at 03:09 PM

NP:

I know you are very attached to P, but perhaps getting extra additional support could help?

In the wise words of Christina Yang "He is not the sun, you are."

LonesomeTonight · Oct 23, 2023 at 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I get that with my logical brain, but it still makes my emotional brain hurt like hell. I think I also heavily doubt I'm going to find that other support.

Yeah, I get it. My T has said a few times that his general goal as a therapist is "to work myself out of a job." He happened to mention it again recently (not in relation to me specifically), and I joked that he must think he's not doing a very good job with me then, as it's been 6 years now. But he said it's different for different people.

I wonder in this case if your T is concerned that he's not helping you enough? Also that he can't always be there and can't always give you what you need, so he wants to make sure you have other resources? But he shouldn't decide unilaterally to pull away support unless and until you have other people or things (like activities) in place.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 23, 2023 at 07:34 PM

T says to depend on G like I'm attached to him. What does that even mean? What does that look like? How do you depend on someone you don't even know? I'm so confused!

stopdog · Oct 23, 2023 at 08:52 PM

I despise Joe Buck - he is horrible as an announcer. I have to watch any game he is announcing without the sound on

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 23, 2023 at 08:56 PM

Almost done with my hexagon cardi - all's I have left now are putting the scalloped edging on the sleeves (which, in this picture, look like one is bigger than the other but it's not, it's laid out funny I guess) and weaving in a few more ends. I should finish it tomorrow evening!

Hugs and head nods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 23, 2023 at 08:58 PM

ok that pic makes it look totally lopsided. Both halves were the same size when I sewed them together. How odd; a photographer I am not!

unaluna · Oct 23, 2023 at 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I despise Joe Buck - he is horrible as an announcer. I have to watch any game he is announcing without the sound on

Is he still around? Is this his only job now? Dint he do something bad and get fired?

Eta - love the accent color artie!

atisketatasket · Oct 23, 2023 at 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Is he still around? Is this his only job now? Dint he do something bad and get fired?

He’s doing football now. Moved on from baseball, I think, praise be.

stopdog · Oct 23, 2023 at 10:27 PM

My mother and grandmother were huge fans of baseball - we heard his father (who was a decent announcer) all the time

LonesomeTonight · Oct 24, 2023 at 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

Almost done with my hexagon cardi - all's I have left now are putting the scalloped edging on the sleeves (which, in this picture, look like one is bigger than the other but it's not, it's laid out funny I guess) and weaving in a few more ends. I should finish it tomorrow evening!

Hugs and head nods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

That looks great, Artie!

LonesomeTonight · Oct 24, 2023 at 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

He’s doing football now. Moved on from baseball, I think, praise be.

I wish he'd move on from football!

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 24, 2023 at 10:21 AM

assertiveness course is going well. yesterday morning h was just laying around watching tv and I had a load of towels i took out of the drier on my break but i had to get back to work so I got in a little practice and assertively asked him to please fold and put them away.

and he actually did!

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 24, 2023 at 11:12 AM

Nice, Artie! I've been told by L that people want to be helpful to us, they just often times don't know how. L always tells me how helpful it is when I tell her exactly what I need or want.

With H, I make a big deal every time he does something for me and I always tell him it's the little things that make a difference. So, for example, when he puts his towel away after a shower, I praise him. Or maybe I'll ask him to get my insulin shot at night for me. I'll point out how helpful that is.

My problem is the nagging...

I am constantly complaining about what he doesn't do instead of just asking him to do it. Baby steps!

Oh, and pick your battles. Sometimes certain things just aren't worth the effort. Like laundry. I finally stopped nagging him about leaving his clothes inside out. It's not worth it to either of us to harp on it.

NP_Complete · Oct 24, 2023 at 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I finally stopped nagging him about leaving his clothes inside out.

My solution to that problem was to just wash and put away inside out.

unaluna · Oct 24, 2023 at 11:37 AM

Some clothes will turn themselves in the wash. Also if they are inside out, the stinky parts get washed better, and the colored fashion parts get destroyed less. A freudian and a mechanical reason for everything!

stopdog · Oct 24, 2023 at 12:40 PM

My solution would be to let them do their own laundry or at best to wash and dry the way they left it and let them deal with folding or putting away. Don't care more than they do is important I think

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 24, 2023 at 12:47 PM

I do that with my dad's clothes: wash them but put them back into the hamper. I don't go into dad's room anymore because it is such a mess, so I don't care what he does with his stuff. But I have ocd personality, and like things organized and in its place. So I need to put away H's clothes right for the sake of my sanity.

comrademoomoo · Oct 24, 2023 at 03:44 PM

I can't understand any adult wanting someone else to do their laundry or other basic life/self-care task on their behalf. I would find it supremely frustrating and infantilising. Men babies are the worst. Don't people want control over these (albeit minor) aspects of their life? I mean, if someone is significantly disabled and unable to complete such tasks, that is different, but even then independence is usually a hard fought for goal. Aren't dependent men embarrassed to be so seemingly incapable?

Lemoncake · Oct 24, 2023 at 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I can't understand any adult wanting someone else to do their laundry or other basic life/self-care task on their behalf. I would find it supremely frustrating and infantilising. Men babies are the worst. Don't people want control over these (albeit minor) aspects of their life? I mean, if someone is significantly disabled and unable to complete such tasks, that is different, but even then independence is usually a hard fought for goal. Aren't dependent men embarrassed to be so seemingly incapable?

It's weaponised incompetence.

Do it so badly on purpose, so they are not asked again. Their partner gets frustrated about it not being done and decides it's easier to just do it then to nag about getting it done.

I would not put up with that. I expect 50% of housework to be shared.

When I stayed with my sister she did all the cooking x3. I took care of the cleaning and shopping. It worked for us because I don't cook.

comrademoomoo · Oct 24, 2023 at 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

It's weaponised incompetence.

Do it so badly on purpose, so they are not asked again. Their partner gets frustrated about it not being done and decides it's easier to just do then to nag about getting it done.

I would not put up with that. I expect 50% of housework to be shared.

When I stayed with my sister she did all the cooking x3. I took care of the cleaning and shopping. It worked for us because I don't cook.

Absolutely. It is definitely more than laziness/unawareness. There are controlling and domination factors at play which, when combined with the "helplessness", make for a very creepy way in life.

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Couch 246: Choose Change

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Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Seattle. Posts: 9,963 (SuperPoster!) 7 10.5k hugs given	Oct 23, 2023 at 03:09 PM #21 NP: I know you are very attached to P, but perhaps getting extra additional support could help? In the wise words of Christina Yang "He is not the sun, you are." __________________

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,743 (SuperPoster!) 11 7,266 hugs given	Oct 23, 2023 at 07:34 PM #23 T says to depend on G like I'm attached to him. What does that even mean? What does that look like? How do you depend on someone you don't even know? I'm so confused! __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 35,051 (SuperPoster!) 13 1 hugs given	Oct 23, 2023 at 08:52 PM #24 I despise Joe Buck - he is horrible as an announcer. I have to watch any game he is announcing without the sound on __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,605 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,020 hugs given	Oct 23, 2023 at 08:58 PM #26 ok that pic makes it look totally lopsided. Both halves were the same size when I sewed them together. How odd; a photographer I am not!

stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 35,051 (SuperPoster!) 13 1 hugs given	Oct 23, 2023 at 10:27 PM #29 My mother and grandmother were huge fans of baseball - we heard his father (who was a decent announcer) all the time __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,605 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,020 hugs given	Oct 24, 2023 at 10:21 AM #32 assertiveness course is going well. yesterday morning h was just laying around watching tv and I had a load of towels i took out of the drier on my break but i had to get back to work so I got in a little practice and assertively asked him to please fold and put them away. and he actually did!

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,978 (SuperPoster!) 13 69k hugs given	Oct 24, 2023 at 11:37 AM #35 Some clothes will turn themselves in the wash. Also if they are inside out, the stinky parts get washed better, and the colored fashion parts get destroyed less. A freudian and a mechanical reason for everything!