Couch 246: Choose Change

Welcome to the couch, old and new! A place to hang out - sometimes you get immediate feedback, sometimes you don't.

Shouting, "Cool Whip" tends to bring others out from between the cushions if you're feeling lonely.

This is a chatty thread. All are welcome. We're kind of psychologically oriented, sometimes. We try to be supportive. At times we discuss what that means.

It’s a place to plop down on the couch when you come home from work or wherever, or wake up in the middle of the night, or check in at lunch, rant a bit or not, and be among friends.

We advise you not to drink or drug and text your therapist ("T") - we speak from experience.

Sometimes the thread moves fast and you might get overlooked; sometimes it moves slowly and all you hear are crickets. Sometimes you get hugged or thanked pages later. So if it's a bigger question, you might want to start a new thread.

Grab a cushion, a spot on the floor, or an armchair in the corner and make yourselves comfy.

Thanks, Oliviab! For the title idea.

H is taking me out tonight to get Sees Candy, then go out to dinner at a restaurant, and then get some coffee (well chai tea latte for me!). Today is our 6th wedding anniversary and Sunday is our 18th anniversary. Tomorrow night, he's also taking me out to dinner again. It will be a good weekend.

I love See's. It's just so yummy and WHOLESOME, not all fancy dancy like Godiva. Altho i love me a godiva too.

That sounds fun, Scarlet!

Sellers accepted my offer. They liked the letter I wrote so decided not to wait until the offer deadline. Next is the home inspection. Keep crossing all of the fingers and toes and eyes and etc.!

I bet they were charmed!

Fingers crossed for you!

6 sessions and 2 weeks max left with L until she takes her leave.

And I'm so scared. Scared of G, scared of H being my main support again, scared of the holidays, scared of myself and my ability to keep myself safe.

It's been 10 years since I depended on H for emotional support, and last time he was controlling and abusive. I know he's got a lot better since then, and still I'm scared.

I decided on a second tattoo while L is gone. This one will represent us. It will be a single peony (her favorite flower) and a single stem hydrangea (one of my favorite flowers). I know she'll love it. I have another tattoo that represent our theraputic relationship and she loves that one, too.

Hugs, Scarlet. That all sounds very difficult. Could you think of yourself as also partly relying on G for emotional support? You also have us on here, of course--post here as often as you need/would like.

The tattoo sounds lovely! I also love peonies--we used those as part of the bouquets in our wedding, though only for the actual bridal/bridesmaid bouquets--they were so expensive that we just went with lilies and roses for the tables (those were also in the bouquets).

I don't think P wants to be my emotional support anymore. Or at least not my main support. After him telling me multiple times that he was fine/glad/happy to provide that support. Which has conveniently come up after I expressed a deep longing to be his friend (it was no secret prior, I just was more open about how deep it was). Of course, he claims there is no correlation between that and this new development, that he has been thinking along these lines for a while now. I'm sure he has, he has mentioned "a new chapter" in our relationship several times, but then he doesn't bring it up again. But I'm sorry, I can't help but see that this rupture all started so shortly after I opened up about my feelings.

Thanks LT! I'll definitely be relying on everyone here support. You all helped me through ex-T. I really appreciate all the support over the last 10 years here.

Relying on G for emotional support... I'm not sure. I don't know if I want to share with him anything about L and my feelings towards her. Maybe once I get a feel for him? He's still a complete stranger to me for now. I'll have J and T, too. But my main support might have to be H.

Btw, LT. I took your ideas about conversations to have with G, and L and G liked them. So he's going to teach me about what he knows of ACT, he's going to help me quit smoking, and we're going to work on having my dad move out.

That's so cool about peonies being some of your wedding flowers. My bouquet was blue and purple orchids and hydrangeas. And my cake had the orchids and blue ribbon on it.

Hugs, NP. I'd be having the same reaction to the rupture, including the timing. I hope he can continue to be a strong source of emotional support for you. And to help you find other sources if he can't provide it, but not pull it before you're ready.

I think a thing about a therapist being a support is that they, from what I have read, are not supposed to be the main support forever -more like a bridge to people finding outside support - and when it becomes long term it is rather unsustainable and a dis-service because of it sometimes keeping a client from moving to finding that other support.

For np, and anybody who wants to be friends with their t.

Oh how i have yearned for this. But then there were the couple instances of encountering them outside of the office, and i was just overwhelmed with embarrassment. A very weird kind of embarrassment. Just soooo self-conscious. As if THEY look normal to other other people but i look like a skinned animal. Which is what a person is in therapy, no?

The comfort of the t's office just does not translate to the outside world. Just step outside and you will see. I could barely handle being in the building hallway with my t.

I get that with my logical brain, but it still makes my emotional brain hurt like hell. I think I also heavily doubt I'm going to find that other support.

Has he starting helping you try things to find outside support or are you trying to find it on your own?

Therapy is by design a sort of unnatural relationship. That’s not a bad thing. I mean, having that person that you can unload anything on without need to protect them from our reality is really useful. But it is not what “real” life relationships are like. No matter how much I love my husband or my son or my sister, there are thoughts and experiences and emotions that I protect them from out of care, out of embarrassment, out of fear, out of . . . .

Therapists are, theoretically, objective outsiders to our lives that we don’t have to spare from ourselves in any way. That’s so completely different from any “real” world relationship. It’s tempting too long for the therapist to be more than a therapist, but as soon as that line is crossed, the reality of the relationship prevents us from that full therapy openness. We start doubting, editing, fearing, just like we do with our friends and family, and the therapy gets lost in the complications.

I’ve found no individual “real” person can be all things “therapist.” So I can discuss my work issues with a work friend or my son or sister who are both teachers. But I can’t discuss all of my grief issues with them because either they are dealing with grief on their own level or not at all.

Therapists fill a wider range of needs than most individuals in real life can possibly fill.

He has encouraged me and is always suggesting ideas. I have tried to be more open with friends. It doesn't always go like I think it will though and I have a lot of fears about opening up to people, so it's hard for me to want to take his suggestions.

Same. I can't stand seeing L or anyone outside their own little box I put them in. I've seen L outside her office building a few times, and it freaked me out. I literally try to hide. Or one time I ran into my older sister at a Walmart she didn't even live near. It really scared me. 1. It just shocked me and 2. Well, my older sister is scary in general.

L is a type of friend/peer but within the therapeutic boundaries. I don't get to go out with her or provide her with my support. Those are the main two boundaries. And she's told me that even when she retires, we won't be friends.

After the mess with ex-T, I'm grateful for these boundaries. I'd rather have her in my life as a therapist than to mess things up and lose her.

I never found the therapist to what I would call supportive or comforting -but I really didn't look to them for that. It isn't why I hired them. I never felt safer or anything positive having to do with them - certainly not more than in my real life. I am fascinated to see that others do - I have friends in real life who I know think of their therapist as a safe haven or place of comfort - boggling to me but there we have it.

I saw the second woman at art shows and such because she considers herself an artist and a friend of mine is one and they had stuff showing at the same time. It didn't bother me and we just avoided each other. I doubt the first one would recognize me out of context and I doubt I would recognize her either - but as long as she stayed back - and I know I would have no urge to engage with her (I didn't have all that much of an urge even when I was paying her) -it wouldn't bother me