Seeking Advice re Returning to Former T and Finding Support System

I'm thinking it's time to return to therapy and I want to go back to my former T.

After analyzing my actions, my initial decision to stop therapy over a year ago was triggered by my sense that T was pulling away from me. I'm super sensitive to that stuff which kicks in my hyper-independence. I reacted by quitting by email and then we later met for less than 5 minutes on Zoom and that was that. I could see he was hurt.

Mulling it over, I'm wondering if my sensing him pulling away was because I put too much pressure on him. He was my sole source of support for several years, and at the time I think he was dealing with some overwhelming stresses in his own life.

I think that is why he continued contact with me after therapy ended. He had to respect my decision, but he also knew I was not in a good place. It was his way of extending support.

I don't want to repeat the same situation, and I don't even know if he would be willing to take me on as a client again but I'm going to ask him anyway. The issue is I would still have no one other than T. I'm single. My parents are alive, but they are in their 70s and they worry so I don't like sharing too much with them. I have 1 friend, but she's dealing with her own health issues right now, along with the pending death of her father.

I find myself needing more than what I can get through a computer screen. I need to be able to at least make a call and hear someone's voice, or see people in person. I need face to face contact.

Is your T your sole source of support? If yes, are they okay with that? If not, beside online forums, who do you turn to when you need additional support? And how did you build that support system?

Do you have another "shoulder to cry on"?

Just curious: why not try another T?

I have a very small support system. L is my main support and she's going on maternity within the next 2 weeks. Do I have another shoulder to cry on? Yes, my H. We'll see how good he'll be at being my main support once again (last time he was physically abusive to me).

L and I actually had the conversation about my dependency on her today in session. She is perfectly okay with it. She understands that some of my parts depend on her for different reasons. And that I do have maternal transference with her (and she's 4 years younger than me!). Anyways, she says that therapists need to not only have good boundaries, but good self-care. They should never "need" a client for anything. They should be able to handle their own transference. They should also have a supervisor or other professionals to consult with. And she believes all therapists should have their own therapist. All of this protects the client. All of this allows for the client to safely depend on their therapist.

After knowing L for almost 5 years, I see how her boundaries and self-care protect ME. And it feels good knowing that she chooses to be there for me even though she doesn't need me. So many people in my life are there only because they need me. It leaves me feeling used and abused. But not L. She truly is there for me unconditionally.

@ScarletPimpernel, I'm glad that you have found the support you need in L. She sounds like a wonderful therapist. And I feel your pain at having to be parted from L during her maternity leave. I'm saddened to hear how your H has treated you in the past when you needed him. It's not something anyone deserves. I hope perhaps that a plan is in place during L's absence for you to reach out to a colleague of hers, if needed, while she's on leave.

As for not trying another T, I really don't want to. I like my former T. He gets me, not many people do. And I'm attached to him.