Turning human

I’ve been on the forums here for about 10 years, I’ve come and gone as I’ve went in and out of therapy, and have always found the people here so helpful when it comes to navigating therapy.

I would read through the threads and always noticed how human everyone seemed and I was always glad that I did not have the same issues that I saw myself being immune to. Things that are commonly discussed like abandonment issues, hurt feelings, attachment to therapists and just plain being vulnerable to being hurt by others. I actually would feel a little superior in a way because I didn’t have any of these issues and so Nobody could hurt me. I’d even type ‘I’m not clingy’ or ‘I don’t have abandonment issues’ like it somehow made me better or more acceptable.

Just to be clear, I’m not belittling anyones struggles by any means. I’m just trying to process the changes in myself as I realise I actually do have all of those issues but have been protecting myself from having to feel them all my life. I’m a bit in shock that I could even do that and be so convinced of my ‘superiority’. Now I realise how pathetic that really was while all the brave people are the ones being open and vulnerable. And I thought I was so different…

I don’t know what I am trying to say exactly… I’ve just been thinking about how much I have actually felt this year and how almost unbearable it has been compared to being unable to feel anything at all. It’s like an awakening but a bad kind. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t and won’t survive like this and want to go back to the isolation and shame of not being a proper person. I always saw myself as a robot. I’m now turning into a human and when I get triggered I feel way too much. And I’m not superior at all and I feel so stupid for thinking I was…

Suppose I’m wondering if anyone has ever felt like this? Or if anyone has anything to say about mine or their own experience? Thanks

I never felt that way about a therapist but I did feel that way when I fell in love the first time. I never thought I would and then I did and then I fell apart when it ended. I also felt like that when I got my first dog - I knew I liked her but if anyone had told me I would be devastated when she died suddenly - I would have thought they were nuts - but I was. On both - I even went back and did it more - love for both another person and another dog. And I keep doing it. So I don't know if it is quite the same or not.

First, this sounds like a challenging shift and realization. Sending good thoughts to you and hugs, if wanted!

What's interesting is that this is a topic that's come up in my therapy more recently. I am someone who has felt things in this way--what you call "human," I suppose--pretty much my whole life. My T has remarked on how deeply I feel things and how intense my emotions can be.

I suppose it's just something I'm used to. But it can be difficult when others don't understand, as they don't have similar experiences. Like, for example, if my H and I have a conflict, he can be angry in the moment, then it seems like it fades quickly, and he's totally fine even 30 minutes later, like nothing happened. Where for me, I keep thinking of things he said, what I said, what I should have said differently, worrying that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, etc.

Maybe a better example would be a rupture with my therapist, which isn't *just* about my therapist, but ties back into stuff that happened in childhood. Where I can feel a literal ache in my chest. And this cascade of emotions that are just overwhelming.

I know all of that probably sounds awful and miserable. At times, it is! However, I've also come to value that part of myself that feels things deeply--as I also feel things like love and joy deeply, not just the negative stuff. I'm thinking of it more like a positive feature rather than a defect. It's part of what defines me.

My T recently said that I'm a "powerful force" in terms of the emotion I can bring into the room. I wasn't fully sure how to take that, like positive, negative, or just an observation. I'm still not sure. (Though I admit part of me thought, "wow, I'm a force.") I guess I'd rather that as opposed to just sort of existing and not feeling much of anything or having much effect on others. (I mean, of course I wouldn't want to consistently have a negative effect on others.)

Sorry, I'm just rambling here! Hope this is helpful in some roundabout way.

Just all part of the journey.

Thanks guys! It’s just a pretty big change. And I guess I wonder if I always felt nothing because I knew on some level that I’m not able to cope with feelings things. I’ve overestimated myself a lot this year, throwing myself into things thinking I’ll feel nothing then bam, I’m screwed because it is too much for me to cope with.
Scarlet, that ache you described reminds me of this awful heavy feeling (like there’s something painfully heavy inside me) Ive been getting and I’m left with it for days or weeks and I can only pretend to function but it is torture and only severe SH eases it enough for me to be able to pretend. I have such a long way to go and I just don’t know if I’m able..
In so many ways I’ve wanted to feel because then I would know that I actually have been through stuff. But now I realise that it doesn’t matter that I can feel, it’s not like someone is going to suddenly appear and save me from it. I just feel the stuff, for what exactly? So I can hurt all over again that I wasn’t worth protecting or saving then and I still amn’t now.

100 percent. I too was that robot until one day an event caused my computer to crash and all of a sudden it seemed I became a lost, confused and very much hurting human. I wonder if you know what made you become a robot in the first place? I know what it was for me. Being human is HARD!!!! Realising you weren't superior but rather were shut down to everything is quite the realisation isn't it. I found it fairly humbling, and I regret thinking bad of people who were struggling with things I never thought I would. Feelings being a big one!!

But as my ex T so wisely once said... You can't have the good and not the bad. You either feel them all or are numb to every one of them. I too have often wondered if it would be easier/better to go back to how it was before, but I know to do so would mean losing so much if what I have gained since 'becoming a human' as you put it. Today is one of those days I'd rather be a robot, but they aren't all like this.

I wish you well on your journey of discovery and growth.

Water bear, you get it! No, I can’t pinpoint what caused me to be a robot, I hope I will understand one day. Yes it’s very humbling 😂 and I feel Ive become a less judgmental and kinder person because of it, as I was a bit of a cold fish before 😂